Narcissistic Father and Sisters

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In my family I was the scapegoat.  My mother said I looked like my father and because of his deep insecurity he rejected me.  My younger sister was lavished with love and attention.  My older sister escaped his abuse.  I just recently found out that his abuse of me started in my early childhood.   He would get furious with me over little things and pick on me.  I had thought it started in adolescence and it was my fault because I was a "wild" teenager.  My parents divorced when I was 12.  My mom has bipolar disorder.  I was desperately searching for love and fell in with the wrong crowd and started drinking and behaving badly.  This behavior was very self destructive.  My younger sister, the golden child, was popular and had lots of friends.  We were only a year apart.  She slowly started taking over my friendships.  I was excluded from parties and other activities by my sister.  I decided I was going to be good. I began getting straight A's.  I applied to a university far from home.  I needed to escape.  My father had criticized me, compared me to my sister, said I wasn't outgoing and popular like her.  I struggled with friendships.  My Mother became very mentally ill when I was 17.  She had psychotic episodes.  My sisters had not gone away to college.  They took care of her.  When I got home from college, they were very cruel to me.  They went out with friends and excluded me.  I had no car.  I had to ride a bicycle to a job at a mall.  I started seeing a therapist who ended up being sexually inappropriate.  My sisters and father would go on annual ski trips and exclude me.  I found a good psychiatrist and things got better for awhile.  I had a good job.  My sisters and dad for reasons I don't understand decided to ask me on one of these annual ski trips.  I went.  My sisters refused to ski with me because I was at a lower level.  It was a terrible trip; I felt isolated; alone.  We never talked about it.  I never got asked on another ski trip again.  Years went by, we all got married and moved away.  I decided to go to law school.  I think I needed to achieve constantly to feel good about myself.  I struggled with my career but managed to practice law for 15 years.  Throughout this time I maintained contact with my father and sisters.  I went to visit them, mostly to see my grandmother who lived nearby.  She was my only real support.  But even though she knew my father was abusive (her son) she never stood up to him.  I kept making excuses for the behavior of my father and sisters.  (my sisters are just upset that I got to go away to college) ( I am not invited on ski trips because I don't ski well.)  Then I got to the point where I had to close my law practice.  I hated it and it was too stressful.  I had never learned how to properly assert myself in court.  I dreaded going to court.  Depression set in.  My grandmother died.  I went to the funeral.  My dads girlfriend gave me a quilt of my grandmothers.  My dad walked in and said no-Renee wants that (the golden child).  I was so hurt.  I was the one closest to my grandmother and my sister gets the choice of a quilt!  I have cut off contact with my sisters and my dad.  Each sister called me one time this year and I didn't call them back.  I was included in a group text at Christmas and I didn't respond.  I am going through severe depression.  I feel like I have lost my whole family.  I am now just realizing my sisters abuse of me has stemmed from my fathers narcissism.  They have adopted his narcissistic way of dealing with me.  I have realized that they don't care about me.  Any attempts to have me included in some of the family trips are superficial.  They would call me and ask for free legal advice.  I could never express any concern or need I had about my own life.  It was always one sided.  Its so difficult to realize I will never have a father or sisters.  I have some limited contact with my mother.  She is still mentally unwell.  I have a loving husband and son.  I am starting a new less stressful career in the health care field.  But I am really struggling with all of this pain.  I have been in denial too long.  I have blamed myself for too long.  I am not sleeping.  Thanks for reading.

[thduda]

In my family I was the scapegoat.  My mother said I looked like my father and because of his deep insecurity he rejected me.  My younger sister was lavished with love and attention.  My older sister escaped his abuse.  I just recently found out that his abuse of me started in my early childhood.   He would get furious with me over little things and pick on me.  I had thought it started in adolescence and it was my fault because I was a "wild" teenager.  My parents divorced when I was 12.  My mom has bipolar disorder.  I was desperately searching for love and fell in with the wrong crowd and started drinking and behaving badly.  This behavior was very self destructive.  My younger sister, the golden child, was popular and had lots of friends.  We were only a year apart.  She slowly started taking over my friendships.  I was excluded from parties and other activities by my sister.  I decided I was going to be good. I began getting straight A's.  I applied to a university far from home.  I needed to escape.  My father had criticized me, compared me to my sister, said I wasn't outgoing and popular like her.  I struggled with friendships.  My Mother became very mentally ill when I was 17.  She had psychotic episodes.  My sisters had not gone away to college.  They took care of her.  When I got home from college, they were very cruel to me.  They went out with friends and excluded me.  I had no car.  I had to ride a bicycle to a job at a mall.  I started seeing a therapist who ended up being sexually inappropriate.  My sisters and father would go on annual ski trips and exclude me.  I found a good psychiatrist and things got better for awhile.  I had a good job.  My sisters and dad for reasons I don't understand decided to ask me on one of these annual ski trips.  I went.  My sisters refused to ski with me because I was at a lower level.  It was a terrible trip; I felt isolated; alone.  We never talked about it.  I never got asked on another ski trip again.  Years went by, we all got married and moved away.  I decided to go to law school.  I think I needed to achieve constantly to feel good about myself.  I struggled with my career but managed to practice law for 15 years.  Throughout this time I maintained contact with my father and sisters.  I went to visit them, mostly to see my grandmother who lived nearby.  She was my only real support.  But even though she knew my father was abusive (her son) she never stood up to him.  I kept making excuses for the behavior of my father and sisters.  (my sisters are just upset that I got to go away to college) ( I am not invited on ski trips because I don't ski well.)  Then I got to the point where I had to close my law practice.  I hated it and it was too stressful.  I had never learned how to properly assert myself in court.  I dreaded going to court.  Depression set in.  My grandmother died.  I went to the funeral.  My dads girlfriend gave me a quilt of my grandmothers.  My dad walked in and said no-Renee wants that (the golden child).  I was so hurt.  I was the one closest to my grandmother and my sister gets the choice of a quilt!  I have cut off contact with my sisters and my dad.  Each sister called me one time this year and I didn't call them back.  I was included in a group text at Christmas and I didn't respond.  I am going through severe depression.  I feel like I have lost my whole family.  I am now just realizing my sisters abuse of me has stemmed from my fathers narcissism.  They have adopted his narcissistic way of dealing with me.  I have realized that they don't care about me.  Any attempts to have me included in some of the family trips are superficial.  They would call me and ask for free legal advice.  I could never express any concern or need I had about my own life.  It was always one sided.  Its so difficult to realize I will never have a father or sisters.  I have some limited contact with my mother.  She is still mentally unwell.  I have a loving husband and son.  I am starting a new less stressful career in the health care field.  But I am really struggling with all of this pain.  I have been in denial too long.  I have blamed myself for too long.  I am not sleeping.  Thanks for reading.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry you went through all that. I know how hard it can be to deal with a dysfunctional family. I went no contact with my father years ago. I went very low contact with my siblings shortly after that. It is a  long and complicated story for me too but the short version is that we have to grieve the family we wished they were. Because the one they are is not healthy for us and not worth worrying about anymore. It just continues to hurt us to worry about ending contact. So yes I am alone in this world. It sucks sometimes. But better alone than abused by them anymore.

Find a therapist who can help you with this. Grieve the things you wish had been true. Let go of what really was. Then go build a happy healthy life.

 

[thduda]

Thanks for your reply.  I have a supportive therapist.  She thinks I should go no contact on both siblings and father.  I am still struggling with it though.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Theduda:  

I am going through severe depression.  I feel like I have lost my whole family.  I am now just realizing my sisters abuse of me has stemmed from my fathers narcissism.  They have adopted his narcissistic way of dealing with me.  I have realized that they don't care about me.  Any attempts to have me included in some of the family trips are superficial.    

I'm so sorry about what you have gone through.  Having the love and support of family seems like a natural thing to expect - the normal thing.  It's devastating when we don't get that. Sounds like you were  SPLIT  by family members.

Personality disorders can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  Generally, there are other forms of mental illness/disorders that go along with them.  One thought is that family members can have a genetic predisposition towards something (anxiety, depression, psychosis, etc.).  We can't change the hand we are dealt, but we can decide on how we play the hand.  I'm hearing that you have fought to rise above your genetics and the environment in which you were raised.  You are a fighter, you have risen above the fray and you aren't giving up.  

My father had criticized me, compared me to my sister, said I wasn't outgoing and popular like her.  I struggled with friendships.    

Many of us have had struggles with not fitting in.  I used to be very shy, when I was young.  I was forced to participate in a group called "Camp Fire Girls", while in grammar school.  I wasn't  in the "In Crowd", so I was a bit of a loner in a group.  One time, our troop went on an outing to a minor amusement park called Pacific Ocean Park (now defunct).  I was ditched, during our time within the park, so I had to fend for myself.  In hindsight, I guess it is one experience that contributed to me perhaps being too independent.

I used to participate in a snow ski club, where I worked.  I used to go on 3-4 ski trips a year.  Sometime, I'd ski with others (of similar skill), but more often than not, I'd blaze my own trail, so to speak.  I took some lessons and my skill level got to be intermediate.  I just accepted the fact that an advanced skier would get bored spending too much time skiing along with me.  I choose to embrace blazing my own trails and learned to have a good time skiing alone.   It can be helpful to learn about and practice  RADICAL ACCEPTANCE 

I started seeing a therapist who ended up being sexually inappropriate.    

I'm so sorry about that.  It had to be very disturbing for you. I had a problem with a dermatologist once.  I couldn't get out of the office fast enough, and never went back.  
Good for you for forging on and finding a good psychiatrist.  

I have a loving husband and son.  I am starting a new less stressful career in the health care field.  But I am really struggling with all of this pain.  I have been in denial too long.  I have blamed myself for too long.  I am not sleeping.  

What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Are there any self-care practices that you use (mindfulness, various forms of meditation, hobbies, exercise, etc.)?

I'm so glad that you have a loving husband and son.  You are the survivor from your family, and have accomplished a lot and are moving ahead to accomplish more.  I look forward to hearing more from you, while on your journey to find peace.  

There are a lot of great links to the right of this post, that you should find helpful.  Here are a couple specific ones you might want to check out:

UNDERSTANDING THE NARCISIST FAMILY
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0;all

ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO FANTASIES
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=157309.0

HOW CAN WE FORGIVE OURSELVES
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113483.0

[thduda]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replay and all of the helpful links.  As far as selfcare; it has been difficult.  I haven't felt much like exercising although I have in the past been a runner and  an avid hiker.  I am hoping once I start my volunteer work with a hospital that I can get in a regular routine of exercise, go to work and study and get out of my head a bit more.  I am in therapy.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replay and all of the helpful links.  As far as selfcare; it has been difficult.  I haven't felt much like exercising although I have in the past been a runner and  an avid hiker.  I am hoping once I start my volunteer work with a hospital that I can get in a regular routine of exercise, go to work and study and get out of my head a bit more.  I am in therapy.

Thduda:
Volunteer work can be beneficial to our mental health.  Sounds like you have some good options for self care.  Various mindfulness practices and different forms of meditation can be helpful, as well.

We look forward to hearing more about you and your situation.  Hoping you have a good 2017.

[hope2727]

If its any comfort I don't really miss mine at all. I miss what I wish it was but not what it really was. This is true of friends I have left too. I missed them at first much the way an addict misses a fix. But now I have healthier friends and I don't miss the toxic ones at all. In fact I wonder why I tried so hard to make them see the light. Better to leave them in the dark and move into the light alone.

Shortly after my exfiancee with BPD left me I had to part with my best friend as he was taking my ex's side and being cruel to me. I missed him terribly for awhile. Then I met the most lovely woman who in the past 3 years has become closer to me than a sister and who's son refers to me as his step mom (his birth dad is deceased), her step daughter's call me when they have upsets they want to talk about, her new husband invites me to stay at their home overnight in bad weather even if she is not there so I won't have to do the hour commute. Today I was thinking of how little I miss my ex best friend and how he never treated me as well as this woman even after years of friendship. She leaves her 3 children with me for days while he hid his gay partner from me for years full well knowing that I would be thrilled he had someone in his life (and I knew about the partner I just left it to protect his privacy). Total difference in trust and caring.

Nature abhors a void (except apparently in my love life ) and any space you make in your life will allow for new people to come into it.

hugs

[Mister Watson]

I believe all that I wanted to say, has been said, for the most part.

But, I want to tell you, regardless, that I am incredibly proud of how strong you are, that I am glad you found this incredible community, and, most importantly, that it is never too late to heal.

You have wonderful people here to talk to. I understand entirely that the pain can be unbearable, but, just remind yourself that it won't be there forever. It won't be like this forever.

Stay well

[thduda]

Thank you so much.  I am proud of what I have accomplished despite my upbringing.  I am just going through a crisis because my identity as an attorney has been lost and because  I don't have a strong identity aside from accomplishments its extremely hard.  Also just realizing and admitting to myself (with input from my mother) that the abuse started when I was very young.  I am crying as I type this because I realize all the hell I went though in my teenage years; being promiscuous; etc was the direct result of this abuse of me.