My mum has BPD and NPD

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I read about this forum in a book my friend gave me. My mum has BPD and it has gotten to the point where it's unbearable. When I think back on some of the things she has done, I know they were abusive and unreasonable, and I never talk about them to people because I don't want people to hate her or think less of her.

Some of the worst examples are:
- once, my mum told my younger sister to get the groceries out of the car after we'd been shopping. My sister (who was about 12 or 13 at the time) backchatted and so my mum grabbed her by the hair and dragged her like a doll through the house. She then grabbed a butchers knife from the kitchen bench and threatened to stab her. My dad told my sister she had to do as she was told. The next day I said if that happened again I would call community services. She became very upset and accused us of thinking we hated her and that we didn't want her around, even after everything she had done for us. She left and went and stayed with my nanna for a few days. While she was there she told all of my aunts and my nanna that I had turned on her for no reason and that I was ungrateful and said I wished she was dead.

- once my younger brother (he would have been about 10 or 11 at the time) squirted the tv with a water pistol. My mum grabbed him by the hair and kept smashing his head against the bed head. My older brother and I had to run and get my dad from work because we were so frightened she would actually kill him. By the time we got back she had destroyed most of his things by smashing them on the concrete outside. She threw all his clothes out of the house and yelled at me to get the gun because she was going to shoot his dog.

- once my ex boyfriend's mother (I'll call her MG) invited me to Christmas lunch. Mum absolutely lost it and accused me of loving MG more than her, and was going to go to MG's work (she worked at the local hospital) and "have it out with her."

- a couple of years ago, my youngest sister moved out of home. On Mother's Day, the following weekend, my mum attempted suicide by overdosing on insulin (she has diabetes). She rang me after she had done it and told me that I wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. I had to call an ambulance and then after she was discharged (she lied and said it was an accident) she accused me of overreacting and "loving drama". She said I did it because I wanted to humiliate her in front of the neighbours.

These are some extreme examples but I feel like as we get older, the stakes are higher. She frequently tries to ruin the relationships my siblings and I have with each other and our dad and our partners by making up stories and saying hurtful things about them. For example, she told my older brother that my boyfriend only liked him because he thought my brother was a loser and that made him feel like he was better than someone.

My youngest sister - who is now 20 - lives with my mum in a different city. Whenever I see her, it is like talking to someone who has just left a cult. She doesn't even have her own bank account. Her money gets paid into mum's account. Mum had told her she couldn't open a bank account without mum being there and that you needed a lot of money before banks would let you have an account. She has no friends because mum won't let her go out, and she's got really low self esteem because mum blames her for everything.

More than anything I feel awful for my sister. She's so vulnerable and trapped.

I'm also tired of constantly having to manage her feelings. She came home for Christmas, after weeks of her refusing to come and accusing us of not wanting her there. Then, because I bought all the food and my brother and sisters did me st of the cooking, she accused us of thinking we could do a better job at Christmas than she could and said it was obvious we thought the last 29 years of Christmases were pointless and pathetic. She basically cried the whole time. She gets upset when we give dad presents and constantly accuses us of loving him more.

I'm exhausted and I just wish it was different. She won't get help. She went to a counselor a couple of times, but that basically convinced her that dad was abusing her and had turned us (her children) against her.

She makes unreasonable demands and tries to get us to move to the city she lives in. My sister is in her second last year of a law degree and mum asked her to withdraw and apply for a traineeship that was being offered near where mum lived. My sister said no because she only had two years to go and would have three degrees and industry experience and mum accused her of hating her.

She rang me at work one day and asked me to leave my full time, permanent job and apply for a 3 month contract job near where she lives. It's just outrageous and unreasonable.

[Dea89]

I read about this forum in a book my friend gave me. My mum has BPD and it has gotten to the point where it's unbearable. When I think back on some of the things she has done, I know they were abusive and unreasonable, and I never talk about them to people because I don't want people to hate her or think less of her.

Some of the worst examples are:
- once, my mum told my younger sister to get the groceries out of the car after we'd been shopping. My sister (who was about 12 or 13 at the time) backchatted and so my mum grabbed her by the hair and dragged her like a doll through the house. She then grabbed a butchers knife from the kitchen bench and threatened to stab her. My dad told my sister she had to do as she was told. The next day I said if that happened again I would call community services. She became very upset and accused us of thinking we hated her and that we didn't want her around, even after everything she had done for us. She left and went and stayed with my nanna for a few days. While she was there she told all of my aunts and my nanna that I had turned on her for no reason and that I was ungrateful and said I wished she was dead.

- once my younger brother (he would have been about 10 or 11 at the time) squirted the tv with a water pistol. My mum grabbed him by the hair and kept smashing his head against the bed head. My older brother and I had to run and get my dad from work because we were so frightened she would actually kill him. By the time we got back she had destroyed most of his things by smashing them on the concrete outside. She threw all his clothes out of the house and yelled at me to get the gun because she was going to shoot his dog.

- once my ex boyfriend's mother (I'll call her MG) invited me to Christmas lunch. Mum absolutely lost it and accused me of loving MG more than her, and was going to go to MG's work (she worked at the local hospital) and "have it out with her."

- a couple of years ago, my youngest sister moved out of home. On Mother's Day, the following weekend, my mum attempted suicide by overdosing on insulin (she has diabetes). She rang me after she had done it and told me that I wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. I had to call an ambulance and then after she was discharged (she lied and said it was an accident) she accused me of overreacting and "loving drama". She said I did it because I wanted to humiliate her in front of the neighbours.

These are some extreme examples but I feel like as we get older, the stakes are higher. She frequently tries to ruin the relationships my siblings and I have with each other and our dad and our partners by making up stories and saying hurtful things about them. For example, she told my older brother that my boyfriend only liked him because he thought my brother was a loser and that made him feel like he was better than someone.

My youngest sister - who is now 20 - lives with my mum in a different city. Whenever I see her, it is like talking to someone who has just left a cult. She doesn't even have her own bank account. Her money gets paid into mum's account. Mum had told her she couldn't open a bank account without mum being there and that you needed a lot of money before banks would let you have an account. She has no friends because mum won't let her go out, and she's got really low self esteem because mum blames her for everything.

More than anything I feel awful for my sister. She's so vulnerable and trapped.

I'm also tired of constantly having to manage her feelings. She came home for Christmas, after weeks of her refusing to come and accusing us of not wanting her there. Then, because I bought all the food and my brother and sisters did me st of the cooking, she accused us of thinking we could do a better job at Christmas than she could and said it was obvious we thought the last 29 years of Christmases were pointless and pathetic. She basically cried the whole time. She gets upset when we give dad presents and constantly accuses us of loving him more.

I'm exhausted and I just wish it was different. She won't get help. She went to a counselor a couple of times, but that basically convinced her that dad was abusing her and had turned us (her children) against her.

She makes unreasonable demands and tries to get us to move to the city she lives in. My sister is in her second last year of a law degree and mum asked her to withdraw and apply for a traineeship that was being offered near where mum lived. My sister said no because she only had two years to go and would have three degrees and industry experience and mum accused her of hating her.

She rang me at work one day and asked me to leave my full time, permanent job and apply for a 3 month contract job near where she lives. It's just outrageous and unreasonable.

[Mutt]

Hi Dea89,



I'm sorry that you and your siblings had a difficult childhood. No child should have to go through that type of treatment. I'm glad that you decided to join us, many of our members here can relate with you and off you guidance and support. You're not alone.‎

‎I'm also tired of constantly having to manage her feelings. She came home for Christmas, after weeks of her refusing to come and accusing us of not wanting her there. Then, because I bought all the food and my brother and sisters did me st of the cooking, she accused us of thinking we could do a better job at Christmas than she could and said it was obvious we thought the last 29 years of Christmases were pointless and pathetic. She basically cried the whole time. She gets upset when we give dad presents and constantly accuses us of loving him more.

‎

I would feel emotionally distressed too. You're not responsible for someone else's feelings. I read guilt in FOG ( fear, obligation, guilt) It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly become proficient over time. You can't change your mother, you can learn why she behaves the way that she does and depersonalize her behaviors. It helps to talk to a T concurrently with a support group.‎

‎Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Have you given thought about self protection? You'll hear minimal or no contact on the boards. As I said earlier, your mom is who she is, she's not going to change. I have kids with my ex wife that displays traits of BPD . I can't go no contact but I do minimal contact, I put the boundary on myself with what is valid to back to. Boundaries is self compassion and self love, it's an outward layer that protects us from harm. I'm not suggesting no contact, you try minimal contact, it's not a hard and fast rule but it will you give the space and time to rejuvenate yourself. ‎

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits‎

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, Dea89.

You used a word that I think we have all felt while trying to cope with our family member's BPD: exhausted. There are so many ups and downs, so much emotional turmoil, and a sense of needing to stay alert all the time. The experiences you went through would be traumatic for any child. Have you had any help in processing those events?

You mention feeling tired of having to manage your mother's feelings. The good news is, you don't have to manage your mother's feelings. She may expect you to, but you can allow her to learn to do that while you take care of your own feelings. The article on boundaries and limits that Mutt shared with you might be a good place to start. How can you take care of you right now, Dea89? (What does it mean to take care of yourself? )

I can also tell you're feeling protective of your sister. It does sound like your mother has done what she can to keep your sister dependent and enmeshed. It is hard to see people we care about living in conditions that seem harmful. How is your sister feeling about her situation? What are things like between the two of you?

I hope to hear more from you when you're ready.

Wishing you peace,

PF