Girlfriend may have BPD and I need guidance

[tigers04]

Hi everyone,

I would like to start by saying this site seems like a great resource and I am excited to learn as much as I can about BPD. Also, this may be a fairly long post and thank you so much in advance to anyone willing to read and respond I truly appreciate it so much!

Today (actually about 9 hours ago), while talking to my therapist (who I see for anxiety and some depression issues) after talking about my girlfriend (who is 21 years old) and things that have happened between us/her past/and her current behaviors he warned me it seems as though she may have BPD. I want to start by saying I dont want to offend anyone who may be going through this and I apologize if my language does so as I am very new to this whole idea and I am just looking for help because I truly love this girl.

After reading the 9 traits that are used to help understand if someone may have BPD I believe she may have 7 - 8 of said traits. Our relationship is still very new (under a month) and I have only known her for maybe 4 months now so I dont know that I fully understand the severity or exact situation as well as I should.

Without revealing too much, she has struggled with past sexual abuse from a family friend for a few years during puberty as well as emotional abuse from her mother mainly focused on her being too skinny or too fat (while she is truly so gorgeous and neither of those things). She currently uses cocaine which has decreased recently but still a weekly activity as well as purging and cutting. I am not entirely sure on how often the latter two occur (purging more regularly than self harm) but she has told me she has struggled with them as well as one recent instance of a suicidal thought (the suicidal thought came from her telling her older brother for the first time about the sexual abuse and all he had to say back was he wasnt actually my bestfriend... .yea thats a whole other issue).  There has been many instance where she has gotten very upset and angry with me seemingly more so than what the situation called for. I will not sit here and act like I am perfect or there is no reason for them because that wouldnt be true but the severity of her anger and hurtful comments she does make can be hard for me to understand or fully deal with. Even comments I make that I see as seemingly innocent have caused her to lash out in hurtful ways 100 times worse than anything I had said.

Since this idea of her potential BPD has been brought up to me, I have read the first 110 pages or so of a book titled "I Hate You Dont Leave Me" and it has been a great resources for me to understand her feelings and emotions more so than I did prior. A technique called the SET-UP technique will definitely be something I will use in future conversations with her to make sure we are communicating as best as possible. Trust has been very hard to build and I have deleted twitter and instagram because I could tell she worried about me contacting other girls through there which I had never done (but honestly it has been good for myself to not have this social media as well). I have given her my snapchat login as well as the ability to access my texts if she so pleases (which i do not believe she has done but was more so a test of faith on my part). I am trying to do every thing within my power to gain her trust and it seems as though a considerable amount of time may be necessary to do so but I am willing to do that for her.

What I am struggling with is telling her that I think she may have BPD. I understand it is such a sensitive issue and no one would like to be told they have this especially if they do. I have told her I think it would be very helpful if she talked to a close friend about her self mutilation or purging or even enlisted the help of a psychiatrist. She is somewhat open to the idea and said she is willing to do a group session with me and my therapist but we are long distance and I want to get her the help she may need as soon as possible.

So I guess my question is how do I go about even bringing up BPD to her or do I? If you have had to do this in the past or have a third party experience I would love to hear how it was done and what to expect if doing so. Obviously, it is not something I would ever just come out and say so I am just asking for guidance from someone with more experience in dealing with a loved one who suffers from BPD on how to even start this discussion.

All I want for her is to be healthy, happy, and in the best state/mindset she can possibly be and I know she wants this too even though she may not realize she suffers from BPD. I dont want to lie, this is a frightening realization for me to make and with a relationship so new I have had thoughts of if I even try to continue on. But I truly love this girl and care about her so much and she is such a wonderful person and I want to do every thing in my power to help her realize and believe this. Please, if you have any opinion on anything I have said I would love to hear your thoughts. I am just looking for guidance so I can handle this in the best way possible.

If you have made it this far and are still reading thank you so so so so so much and please dont hold back on your opinions I will appreciate every single one. Also, if you have any resources you could suggest (book, blog, video, etc) I would love to hear about them.

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[Mutt]

Hi tigers04,   



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I haven't tried this myself personally, it was advice given to me. I also have anxiety and depression. As you probably know, BPD is often comorbid with other disorders, there's often and underlying clinical depression, your g/f could very well be clinically depressed too. If we were told by a loved one that they thought we suffered from a personality disorder that has a stigma attached to it, how would you react?

You suggest that you that she may have anxiety and depression, both are widely accepted in today's society and doesn't have the same stigma attached to it like BPD. That's just a suggestion, it could get her to seek help from a professional and get her on the right track. I hope that helps.

PS You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board.

[tigers04]

You suggest that you that she may have anxiety and depression, both are widely accepted in today's society and doesn't have the same stigma attached to it like BPD. That's just a suggestion, it could get her to seek help from a professional and get her on the right track.

I will definitely think about this and the best way to discuss this with her. Definitely seems easier to hear especially from a SO. Thanks for the advice!

[Lockjaw]

I have anxiety and depression too, and a BP GF.

Since you are young, and I am old, I am going to give you some advice. Run and hide. Cocaine use is bad news, and you need to consider the implications of what it could do to your future. The last thing you need or want is to be 50 like me, and look back and see you made a really bad choice and it alters your life forever.

You can be her friend, at arms length. I went through rehab for alcohol when I was 21, and there were people in their for cocaine use, and good lord almighty is it tough to kick.

She is likely using it to help deal with her pain from her abuse, that is why I drank. She needs a therapist and a program, and cocaine has a very high rate of relapse.

The way it was explained to me, the first time you use cocaine, the high is amazing, and every time after its not as good, and it takes more of it, because you are chasing the first experience.

Please make sure you are careful and protect yourself first. It's like a plane crashing, put your oxygen mask on first.