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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 1  (Read 7039 times)
Soulcrushed4
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« Reply #30 on: January 15, 2017, 01:59:07 PM »



But, I don't think it's an act with them - they truly believe what they say at the time, but they simply don't have the emotional maturity to see things from others' perspective and so can't form a balanced view of the world. You're either with them or against them.

And once they've moved on they need to paint you black to cover up the emotional destruction they've left behind and within themselves, plus you're now the bad guy for the next poor sap guy who takes them on to save her from.

Having lived through being the "non" of an active addict and the supposedly recovering addict before my dBPDex got the BPD diagnosis I feel that there seems to be a common thread of entitlement and lack of accountability or responsibility and anything/anyone that stands in the way of the addiction/fix/need/desire for immediate or instant gratification is bad. It became more clear upon the diagnosis and reading about BPD that it wasn't just drugs that were the issue - it was ANYTHING - sex, porn, attention, validation, money, a place, adoration,... .anyone that enabled (me included) the immediate need/desire was "good" anyone that got in the way of or didn't enable (also me) was "bad".

Also depending on who was present the need/desire was ever changing - if it was me then it was supposedly at times the calm stable family life, a bunch of 20 year old relapsing addicts then it was that lifestyle, coworkers it was different, bosses different again... .ever changing depending on what the other person seemed to value or how they operated in life.
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« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2017, 02:39:19 PM »

I suspect that relating these tales was a great way of pulling people she liked into her world and what she had always found when telling these tales, was that it generated wave upon wave of sympathy and good will from those around her. And even admiration from those around her at how she had got past these terrible set backs, to become the charming person she now portrayed herself as. And for me, that sympathy also keyed into elements of my personality linked to saving and being a white knight.

I think ex told whatever story he thought would get him the most attention. When we were dating, it was all about his achievements in boy scouts and foot ball. It was like he knew I wanted a good boy so those are the stories he told. Here it is 20 years later and he is still telling the same stories. It is like he is stuck in childhood. To this day, he will puff up his chest and pull out his master's thesis and show it off to people like that is somehow supposed to prove that he is great. He wants admiration. When people stopped admiring him, that is when he pulled out the woe is me card. That is when his family suddenly became horrible.

Excerpt
Then, there is the question, were these tales a true reflection of what actually happened?

I have often wondered that myself. Is ex really as good as he tried to portray himself to be? I know he has a penchant for exaggeration. If he gets cut off in traffic, he will tell it as "Wow, I almost got into an accident and it was horrible and, and, and." If he does something that he thinks is good, he will tell at as though he is so helpful and so wonderful.
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Soulcrushed4
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« Reply #32 on: January 15, 2017, 02:40:21 PM »

Can I ask what the motivation for doing this would be?
Or if there is a specific reaction you would expect or hope for?

If it were not for having a child together I would entirely end all possible means of communication for the rest of time with my dBPDex for my own sanity and personal well being.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #33 on: January 15, 2017, 02:45:26 PM »

Can I ask what the motivation for doing this would be?
Or if there is a specific reaction you would expect or hope for?

If it were not for having a child together I would entirely end all possible means of communication for the rest of time with my dBPDex for my own sanity and personal well being.

Well, they did such a wonderful job at messing with us. Why not mess with them? But more importantly, because they know that you're ignoring them by not responding.
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« Reply #34 on: January 15, 2017, 02:46:09 PM »

It became more clear upon the diagnosis and reading about BPD that it wasn't just drugs that were the issue - it was ANYTHING - sex, porn, attention, validation, money, a place, adoration,... .anyone that enabled (me included) the immediate need/desire was "good" anyone that got in the way of or didn't enable (also me) was "bad".

YES! Ex had to have something that he could fixate on. He stopped looking at porn and instead focused on video games. It felt like there was something that he was fixated on at any given time. When he was heavily into playing music, he would fiend over gear. He would pick something out and obsess about it until he got what he wanted.

I can see how I blew up our relationship after 15 years. I can now take full responsibility for blowing things up. I blew things up because I saw how his addictions were impacting me and the kids. When I started asking for help and wanting more from him, things went down hill fast. I could have backed down and been nicer but I didn't. I pushed for things to change because I could no longer sit back and enable him. I think that is why he kept chasing other women. Those women enabled him because he presented himself to be the victim of a nagging wife.
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« Reply #35 on: January 15, 2017, 03:10:22 PM »

Well, they did such a wonderful job at messing with us. Why not mess with them?

why mess with them? the relationship (and messing with each other) has ended. heal and move on  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #36 on: January 15, 2017, 04:26:30 PM »

I understand the frustration of being manipulated and abused, but revenge won't make them realize their wrong doings, it will simply make them miserable and make you the villain. They don't think they made anything wrong and they think you did it all, so all you are doing in their mind is to be mean to them.

BPDs suffer a lot in a relationship, all you would be doing is making them suffer more and having yourself painted black even more.

What I have said in the last break ups with my exBPDef was something like this "I love you more then anything, then anyone ever, I'm so angry and frustrated that you can't work harder and try to work pass your issues so we can live well, I blame you for this, I would have done anything and I have tried everything in my power to make this work and you not only didn't do the same, but did power plays and sabotaged my efforts to make our relationship healthier. I don't hate you despite my current anger, I love you deeper then you may ever understand and I don't think I will ever forget you, I don't think you are just another one, you are very dear and special to me, I hope someday you get better and if you do I'm here for you"

I said something close to the in tears the first break up and I repeated thinks closer to it the other 2 times. First time she showed more compassion, next 2 times she had already painted me black too much.

You might even think I was too nice, but I vented my emotions and removed that weight of my back, it helps, don't be hateful or vengeful, don't be like them, don't be impulsive and act on your current emotions, look at the big picture, use colors and grey, not only black and white.
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« Reply #37 on: January 15, 2017, 05:02:07 PM »

I understand the frustration of being manipulated and abused, but revenge won't make them realize their wrong doings, it will simply make them miserable and make you the villain. They don't think they made anything wrong and they think you did it all, so all you are doing in their mind is to be mean to them.

BPDs suffer a lot in a relationship, all you would be doing is making them suffer more and having yourself painted black even more.

What I have said in the last break ups with my exBPDef was something like this "I love you more then anything, then anyone ever, I'm so angry and frustrated that you can't work harder and try to work pass your issues so we can live well, I blame you for this, I would have done anything and I have tried everything in my power to make this work and you not only didn't do the same, but did power plays and sabotaged my efforts to make our relationship healthier. I don't hate you despite my current anger, I love you deeper then you may ever understand and I don't think I will ever forget you, I don't think you are just another one, you are very dear and special to me, I hope someday you get better and if you do I'm here for you"

I said something close to the in tears the first break up and I repeated thinks closer to it the other 2 times. First time she showed more compassion, next 2 times she had already painted me black too much.

You might even think I was too nice, but I vented my emotions and removed that weight of my back, it helps, don't be hateful or vengeful, don't be like them, don't be impulsive and act on your current emotions, look at the big picture, use colors and grey, not only black and white.

I don't want revenge and I wouldn't do anything hurtful to her like that either, but I honestly don't have any sympathy for someone who doesn't feel compassion or remorse, or someone who is a pathological liar, cheater and who just ruins others lives and causes destruction everywhere they go.
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« Reply #38 on: January 15, 2017, 06:13:52 PM »

I understand the frustration of being manipulated and abused, but revenge won't make them realize their wrong doings, it will simply make them miserable and make you the villain. They don't think they made anything wrong and they think you did it all, so all you are doing in their mind is to be mean to them.

BPDs suffer a lot in a relationship, all you would be doing is making them suffer more and having yourself painted black even more.


I didn't see very much, if any suffering in my dBPDex... .unless of course by "suffering" one means running off to get high or get a different high from lying, cheating, sneaking around, porn, hookups, ego/c*ck strokes from anyone available, financial irresponsibility, stealing, etc. I saw escapism and self pity.

The ones I see suffering (undergoing pain, distress or hardship) are the family/friends impacted.
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« Reply #39 on: January 15, 2017, 06:39:58 PM »

I agree with the 2 posts above. I have zero sympathy for my ex based on how she treated me and her complete lack of empathy, ownership of her actions, lack of integrity, etc. Just a horrible person who is a professional victim
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« Reply #40 on: January 15, 2017, 09:07:51 PM »

They did'nt ask for BPD, but research has shown they do know right from wrong. They are not as delusional as the schizoid personality disorder, and have good memories. It's just that they come to different conclusions with their memories than us. People are expendable objects to these creatures. I still struggle with anger because I have been peeking on social media. She is engaged to a straight-up military man from a good family, who just gave her a diamond engagement ring. However, she , behind his back, is rotating 2 ex's, plus a new one. If I told this man what I know, he would'nt believe me. Her act is that good. My anger tells me this creature must be stopped somehow. My reason says, if I did find a way to make her stop hurting people, will the woman I thought she was, or could be, become real? Will revenge really put an end to the pain/ anger long-term? Al Bernstein wrote my favorite book called "Emotional Vampires." He said the only way for an emotional vampire to learn anything, is by repeatedly experiencing painful consequences to their actions. So, they can learn from experience if the experience brings pain, according to him.
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« Reply #41 on: January 15, 2017, 09:12:20 PM »

Well, they did such a wonderful job at messing with us. Why not mess with them?

I wouldn't, because I don't want to get up the next morning, look at myself in the mirror and see a man who would do that.

But you aren't me, and may not be in the same place I'm in right now. If you feel that messing with them will give you satisfaction, go ahead and give it a try. You will figure out whether it works for you or not.
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« Reply #42 on: January 15, 2017, 09:16:21 PM »

I wouldn't go to that lengths.

First, BPD's suffer tremendously. It's not a simple disorder. They are practically like children in how they react to situations.

Also if you're trying to 'win'. You're never going to. You're fighting against someone who is disordered. There is no winning. The only thing you'll be doing is putting yourself as low as they can be.

Not only that, but by playing into the game of tit-for-tat, you're placing yourself back into the cycle.
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« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2017, 09:42:53 AM »

I wouldn't do anything to mess with her and I wouldn't send any compasionate explanation, etc.

If you believe (as I now believe), these individuals have a mental disability, then it would be pretty unethical to make this person suffer further. Remember, their lives are already a mixed up struggle filled with a lot of drama and emotions we could never understand. The masquarade as be whole to survive, but aren't. They have either a mental illness or an at the very least a mental affliction that is at the root of their behavior.

So let's take ananology and think about how you'd handle it: Let's say you were involved with a person with Down Syndrome. everyday that person did things that where counterproductive to themselves and to you, who's trying to love them or to help them, etc. Would you one day want to mess with them because of your pain or frustration?

Again, I don't see much difference from pwBPD and the Down Syndromed individual. Sure you could contend it's all on a spectrum, but intentionally mssing with someone, when we have the mental capacity for empathy and ability of superior self control and regulation, is just plain mean spirited and unnecessary. Not to mention immature. Be bigger and not add to this person's pain. They have enough to deal with as it is.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2017, 11:43:55 AM »

I wouldn't do anything to mess with her and I wouldn't send any compasionate explanation, etc.

If you believe (as I now believe), these individuals have a mental disability, then it would be pretty unethical to make this person suffer further. Remember, their lives are already a mixed up struggle filled with a lot of drama and emotions we could never understand. The masquarade as be whole to survive, but aren't. They have either a mental illness or an at the very least a mental affliction that is at the root of their behavior.

So let's take ananology and think about how you'd handle it: Let's say you were involved with a person with Down Syndrome. everyday that person did things that where counterproductive to themselves and to you, who's trying to love them or to help them, etc. Would you one day want to mess with them because of your pain or frustration?

Again, I don't see much difference from pwBPD and the Down Syndromed individual. Sure you could contend it's all on a spectrum, but intentionally mssing with someone, when we have the mental capacity for empathy and ability of superior self control and regulation, is just plain mean spirited and unnecessary. Not to mention immature. Be bigger and not add to this person's pain. They have enough to deal with as it is.

You're right, and I agree... But, would telling them I had died really cause them any pain though?
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FallenOne
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« Reply #45 on: January 16, 2017, 01:25:05 PM »

Why is it such a long and difficult process to detach from a BPD ex partner? Even after a short time of one or two years, it seems most become hopelessly addicted to them...

It's strange because in a normal relationship, with a mentally stable person, if there's a breakup, it hurts but not nearly as bad and it's within your ability to cope with it.

So why do we not grieve from and yearn for normal relationships as much as we do from ones that were completely unhealthy for us such as the ones with a BPD?

Why do we crave what was only hurting us and making us miserable? But we only miss it when it's gone...
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« Reply #46 on: January 16, 2017, 01:48:37 PM »

I feel, and this is MY feeling, that is a very immature response. I would just ignore and not answer. If they called from a new number and I realized who it was, I would just hang up.

Anything else is "game playing" and who is it affecting? It's just playing games with an emotionally broken person.

You are not that far removed from you ex as some of us on this board. The longer you are removed the more you will understand. Most of us have gone through the stages of wanting to get them back, wanting to hurt them, but that's only because we ourselves are not yet detached.

I am actually at a place where I hope it is all working for my ex and I never hear from her again. My life is 1000x better not being subjected to her crap. I didn't enter a relationship with her to hurt her and removed I still wouldn't stoop to her level.

The way the BPD thinks can be irrational. Doing that will only re-inforce to her you are an a-hole because that is what she thinks in her disordered mind. Don't give her that pleasure.

Seriously.
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« Reply #47 on: January 16, 2017, 02:10:18 PM »

FallenOne, I understand that you are probably angry and upset. I would like to second + quote PW and Hlintheviking.

BPDs suffer a lot in a relationship, all you would be doing is making them suffer more and having yourself painted black even more.

Doing that will only re-inforce to her you are an a-hole because that is what she thinks in her disordered mind. Don't give her that pleasure.

Since the question is out there: It would mean - and this is my opinion - further hurt for you and further hurt for the ex, simple as that. It's an extension of the destructivity that characterized the r/s. I can't really tell anybody what to do... but I'm wondering, with good intention, are those things what you wish for? I believe in moving away from all the hurt, not reinforcing it. Hard as it may be at times.
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« Reply #48 on: January 16, 2017, 02:10:52 PM »

well... .there's "trauma bonding."  That is when you go through a lot of ups and downs with someone (even if they are the cause of the ups and downs) then the attachment we feel towards them is greater compared to an attachment that has little or no conflict.

Then there's the "Sunk-Cost Fallacy." If I've already put in so much emotional/time investment into a relationship, I might be more inclined to stick it out further because I don't want to "waste" all my previous investment.

Why do we crave what was only hurting us and making us miserable? But we only miss it when it's gone...

Because that which is causing us pain is also perceived as the most immediate means to alleviate us from this pain.  Sounds more or less like an addictive substance, no?
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« Reply #49 on: January 16, 2017, 02:35:54 PM »

i almost started to feel like a DAD after 7 years of marriage. it seemed like i raised a baby.

maybe the attachment comes from the fact we were always the greater caretaker. who knows?

now she is with some loser replacement, makes me almost wants to go and guide her in the right direction, again its more like dads role vs husband.

you deal with weird behavior for so long and it has its toll on you too.,... .mine was a lot of silent treatments, happy/sad behavior
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« Reply #50 on: January 16, 2017, 02:41:32 PM »

Why is it such a long and difficult process to detach from a BPD ex partner? Even after a short time of one or two years, it seems most become hopelessly addicted to them...

It's strange because in a normal relationship, with a mentally stable person, if there's a breakup, it hurts but not nearly as bad and it's within your ability to cope with it.

So why do we not grieve from and yearn for normal relationships as much as we do from ones that were completely unhealthy for us such as the ones with a BPD?

Why do we crave what was only hurting us and making us miserable? But we only miss it when it's gone...

Exactly what Schwing has already described. Trauma bonding.
There is also this thing in psychology called intermittent reinforcement.
Intermittent Reinforcement is when rules, rewards or personal boundaries are handed out or enforced inconsistently and occasionally. This usually encourages another person to keep pushing until they get what they want from you without changing their own behavior.
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« Reply #51 on: January 16, 2017, 03:23:07 PM »

I would say in my case it was a combination of lots of things mentioned above... .

- intermittent reinforcement and a longing for how things were,
- mistaken beliefs about not being good enough and being able to fix it,
- FOG, especially fear of not finding someone better, and
- PTSD.

Someone above made a comment about being a Dad, not a husband. In my case, that was a little close to the truth as there was a 19 year age gap, but my BPDx always spoke about being looked after, how guys her age didn't "get" her, being a kept woman and someone taking care of her (which she often demanded when drunk or expected when sober). Perhaps I should have paid more attention to these comments.

It's so true they need a caretaker, but then they lose respect for you and you do become a father figure without romantic feelings. There's no winning with a BPD - they will always find a reason to fault you and you can never live up to their expectations. Nor can the next guy, which I must admit to finding as a relief.
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« Reply #52 on: January 16, 2017, 03:24:47 PM »

if she contacts you wanting you back and you dont want her back and make up some silly story the answer she is still getting from you is a no. It wouldn't make much of a difference. All she is looking is for is a yes. She would just look for another opportunity elsewhere, call up another ex or look for somebody else to meet her needs like you wasted her time. What if you don't get the reaction/response you want or expect? Again contact with her and responding would just end up disappointing either way. She'll throw you away again like trash and NC protects you from dealing with that pain again.
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« Reply #53 on: January 16, 2017, 05:30:54 PM »

I just thought saying something like that would guarantee she wouldn't try to contact me again.
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« Reply #54 on: January 16, 2017, 05:44:03 PM »

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) FallenOne

If you block her on everything that will make it near impossible for her to contact you again. Stay boring/grey rock.
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« Reply #55 on: January 16, 2017, 11:14:16 PM »

I agree with Curiously1. Become very uninteresting. Once you become uninteresting and stop responding, they will move on. If you don't give them attention ( doesn't matter if its positive or negative ) - often they will search for it somewhere else. Don't tell them your dead... .just play dead.

 It's time to work on you. Don't poke the person with issues. Blocking is not hard. I had to block my personal email, my work email, my phone, my facebook, other messenger apps.

 It takes just a couple of mins for each block. Oh look... .she emailed from another email address... .click block... .done... .

You will get to a point where you can let go. It took me a year to do so, and man... .I'm so thankful I made it - and you will get there too.
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« Reply #56 on: January 17, 2017, 08:21:33 AM »

When I was stupid enough to fall for all my exs bs she right away told me the most hideous lies I think I've ever heard. Her brother who I knew in our teen years molested her when she was young with his friend and also molested her older sister as well! Then she told me that her ex boyfriend raped her too. She then on other occasions told me she wasn't in contact with any of her exs and of course that ended up being a lie. They were all in her FB page. Then she told me she didn't like sex. It was overrated and just bodies clanking around. Then another time when we spoke she told me about this ex of hers who raped her again lies how good he was in bed and he was a "real man " the way he treated her body. And then out of the blue from a woman who claimed she didn't like sex she said to me "Oh well some of it was good"! Wtf? Yes so I do believe majority of them with us is an act. A great play in Broadway with our ex BPDs as the stars. The  only thing that changes are the actors. But it will always be the same play for them. And yes both of those accusations about her brother and ex  molesting her and raping her  were all LIES! Bravo.
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« Reply #57 on: January 17, 2017, 09:53:47 AM »

I believe and know now with my exBPD it's all basically lies. From watching videos of this sociopath on youtube, his perception of reality is that we are just fuel source for them (narcissistic trait individuals). They fell empty so they lie and cause drama to fill the void. His story is spot on with my ex, word of word. She got hold of me again, we had a talk. I asked her a question of how long she knew that she was the way she was. She told me it started after her daughter was born, that she knew she has this ability to control people. Knowing this we got back together 3 years after she was born and she never told me about this. She was just hoping she can use her powers to keep me around.
 
In the end they do like us but it's not love they don't know what it is, they know what love looks like from watching how people interact but they can't feel it. All they know is they need fuel to fill their void. When they find a good source they latch on to they break us, then they find a new source. Then when they think we are recovered they come back for the charm and the recycle.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #58 on: January 17, 2017, 10:35:05 AM »

Her brother who I knew in our teen years molested her when she was young with his friend and also molested her older sister as well! Then she told me that her ex boyfriend raped her too. She then on other occasions told me she wasn't in contact with any of her exs and of course that ended up being a lie.

I was also friends with my ex's brother during our teenage years (my ex is 8 years younger than me) and she and her older sister also claim that he molested both of them (which contributed to their mental health issues)... I have also wondered if mine lied about this? Why would she make it up? Her stories about it lacked consistency when the topic came up over time again, and it never quite added up...

The brother/father have denied it for years and claim she's imagining it and it never happened. I don't know if I'll ever know the real truth to this.

What's your opinion? Why would she lie about something like this and lose the respect of her family over it if it never happened?

And, if it never happened and it was a main contributor to her BPD, then how did she develop BPD just from neglectful parents?
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #59 on: January 17, 2017, 10:51:45 AM »

I don't think it's an "act". In that moment, they BELIEVE what they are doing. It is very real for them.

Thus is the crux of this disorder.

They do have moments of clarity (far and few between) where they might aknowledge they were doing something to get a reaction but overall this is who they are at their core.

True story: BPD runs wild in the theater community. If you read the tabloids take a look at some of the high-profile Hollywood Divorces right now. Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Drew Barrymore, Amber Heard. Very indicative and possible these women are BPD or possess multiple disorders. Look at their relationship histories and stories. Look at the volatile histories and breakup make up patterns.

The BPD often comes across as someone trying to "reinvent" themselves when in actuality it's that whole chameleon affect, the mirroring the current partner, etc. Many claim to be bi-sexual. I am not stating being bi-sexual makes someone BPD but it does give more options to connect with a new source.

More options=Supply.

Something to chew on.

 

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