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Author Topic: Trying to heal from a life of pain  (Read 505 times)
allthesame

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10


« on: January 18, 2017, 12:48:12 PM »

This is my first post and first time on this site, not really sure what I'm expecting but think it would be nice to get some insight from others in the same situation.

I'm in my mid/late 20's and grew up with a mother, I just recently found the term for, who has borderline personality disorder.

To put it shortly, she had very little interest in me my whole life.  My father was the one that tried to make an effort with me.  She would make promises and never keep them and never knew any of my interests.  I've spent most of my life seeking her approval and trying to fit into her life and her interests.  I could go into countless stories but the points are: she was verbally and very emotionally abusing to me, she manipulates all situations in her own favor, knows nothing about my life, pushes blame on others, and nothing I ever did was good enough (I messed up if I didn't do things and if I tried to do things to prevent her being upset then I never did them good enough or it wasn't what she wanted so I'm at fault).


I've had countless years of therapy.  I've tried talking to her about some of my concerns so we can move forward.  about 8 months ago she called me out of the blue and started screaming at me that she was done with me.  That it wasn't worth her time and that I didn't try (in her eyes) so she was done with me.  It was the worst fight that we've ever had.  It ended with me hanging up with her.  In the coming months I got hateful text messages until I blocked them.  Then she had one of her friends reach out asking if I could be the bigger person and mind this, I politely asked if she and my mom could give me space to heal and respect that I need to heal.  Then she started emailing my work email with passive aggressive emails until I blocked that. Then it was my personal email, and I blocked that.  Now it's she is calling and leaving voicemails... .so I'm debating blocking that as well.  That makes me fear I'm a bad daughter, however, my father assures me I am not and I'm just trying to make the best choices for my own happiness.

We live 10 mins from each other and now I'm fearing that she will stop by to scream and blame me for everything and derail any of the healing I've accomplished.  How can I stay strong, continue to heal, gain confidence?  How do you get past fear of communication?  I'd like to be able to talk to her at some point again, but I'm so petrified with fear right now that I don't know if I can... .
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 08:10:14 PM »

A big welcome to you, Allthesame! 

I'm really glad you found us and that you wrote your first post. It is good to hear your thoughts and I can well understand the things you shared. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us.

Our online family is a supportive family of members who have been through or are going through things similar to what you shared. My mom was also uBPD, and the misery of growing up in such an environment is awful. I am so sorry that it has been so hard and that it continues to be difficult. As you've seen, a pwBPD does not easily change. That's why it is important that you are taking the steps you are to protect yourself. I'm glad your dad is supportive.

There is a list on the right side of our board which is a great place to start exploring. If you click on any of the sentences, a more detailed description comes up. --------->> >>

I have a link about the drama triangle which may interest you posted below:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Other members that have gone NC or LC may be able to pitch in and share their thoughts as to how difficult it has been for them. Sometimes it is necessary to have space from the pwBPD until you are able to get stronger and be able to work on boundary setting, or it may be a long term thing. With time you will know, and whatever you decide is okay. It is easy to feel guilt or FOG as we say here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

 
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Leaflet

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 17


« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2017, 09:37:15 PM »

You are NOT a bad daughter. My Mom was a different type of BPD; she was totally enmeshed in my life, and later my sister's life. I, too, am learning that I'm not a bad daughter. I just posted about how I'm finding it helpful to verbalize some of the things my mom said to me when I talk to my therapist. When I say it out loud I realize how awful the stuff my mom said was, and it helps me heal. It's like it gets it out of my head. I felt like a horrible, unworthy person for years because of the things she said to me. I've had this internal feeling that something is wrong with me because why else would my MOM say that stuff to me? I think blocking your Mom is a good idea. No one needs to hear that stuff. Space will help you process everything and figure out what you want to do to avoid the madness.
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allthesame

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10


« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2017, 04:02:09 PM »

Thank you both!

I'm still trying to convince myself and come to terms with the fact that I'm not a bad daughter and that these are her choices.  Sometimes I truly believe I'm making a healthy choice for myself and that blocking her and having distance from her is better for me and my emotional healing... .but then other times it feels like a punch in the gut and I'm standing there wondering what I'm doing and why I'm not trying.  In those times I try to remind myself that I've tried for 15+ years and nothing every changes, not until now, with my boundaries and blocking her, this is the first change for the better I've had in my life in regards to her and her influence.

And Thank you Woolspinner2000, I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate this site, it's not the most user friendly.  However, those links on the side are helpful... .I need to take the time and try and go through each one individually... .I feel like this is the first time in my life that I'm truly accepting what I've gone through and realizing all the wounds (that I've been hiding) that need addressed and healed.
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Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2017, 08:43:15 PM »

Hi again Allthesame!  

Thank you for coming back to share. I know what you mean about the back and forth with the feelings of 'am I doing this right or am I doing this wrong?' It is hard, every single day. With time I feel it has gotten easier for me, but then I think most of us here can be honest and say it is a real up and down battle.

What you said reminded me of one of my favorite books and I wonder if you have ever heard of it? It is called: Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Frieda Friedman. I will post the link here for you:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

This was the first book I read about BPD and it has been a huge help to me. There are a lot of self-help guidelines and questions within the pages, and it is a great place to begin asking questions as you reflect upon your childhood. At first I didn't necessarily see myself throughout the book as a child survivor, but as time went on and my eyes began to open, then the book had more and more value.

Do you have any questions that we can help you with? Feel free to ask. We are family here.

 
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Mitchell

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 15



« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2017, 08:21:05 AM »

         
Hi allthesame,

I'm in a hurry at the minute but I come from  very similar background that is I was an only child and my father died when I was 17 never feel guilty your mother is disordered and can't help her rants or at least until she seeks help & treatment.

I'll talk with you when I've more time read all you can and understand this horrible disorder

Best of Luck

Mitch

            
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ijustwantpeace
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 121


« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2017, 10:07:04 AM »

Allthesame,

I am very sorry for your situation.  I fully understand your desire for space and time to heal.  There is nothing wrong with this.  I used to really be a nervous wreck with surprise visits from my BPD mother and BPD uncle.  I know this won't help now, but at least you found this board in your 20s vs your 40s.  Information like this did not exist when I was your age. 

The best thing you can do is continue to set boundaries, but don't expect her to respect them any time soon.  I would find a way to get away from her and start over.  My mother has wrecked many lives.  It is her superpower.
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alwaysconfused

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4


« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2017, 01:19:24 PM »

I'm in a similar situation, just learned my mother has BPD. She treated me almost exactly the same as your mom treated you, except physical abuse also when I was young. I've gone to a lot of counseling and decided it's best to not have any interaction. It's incredible hard to not feel guilty for this, but I just remind myself I'm allowed to take care of myself and treat myself well. I still haven't figured out how to explain to people why i don't have contact with her. To other people she gives a sob story about how she's the victim and I'm a horrible person. They always believe her and it's incredibly awkward.
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allthesame

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10


« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2017, 02:53:47 PM »

I still haven't figured out how to explain to people why i don't have contact with her. To other people she gives a sob story about how she's the victim and I'm a horrible person. They always believe her and it's incredibly awkward.

Alwaysconfused, that is exactly how it is.  I have her friends and family members coming up to me, blaming me, asking why I can't make an effort... .

I've made an effort with her for 90% of my life, and it's hurt me, I'm making an effort now to protect myself and they make me feel bad for it... .
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Basenji
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 54


« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2017, 06:51:59 AM »

I have her friends and family members coming up to me, blaming me, asking why I can't make an effort... .

I've made an effort with her for 90% of my life, and it's hurt me, I'm making an effort now to protect myself and they make me feel bad for it... .

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but your story has really struck me - so many parallels with myself and others. In praise of your awareness and strength and insight and determination, you are 30 years ahead of where I was at your age trying to figure the whole deal! So, even though it may not feel like it, right now, you fully deserve a medal... .good job!

You mention trying to do the right thing for 15 years: in my case add another 30 years!

Yep - something has to change so you can get on with your life potential right now, not in so many years' time!

Woolspinner2000 has already mentioned the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent".

In my own case, that book helped me greatly move forward. It helped to see that its wasn't me that was the issue. It became clear that I would never have a "normal" relationship with my mom, and to keep expecting that and hopelessly trying to fix that would only continue the cycle of frustration, anger and various other impacts upon my daily life. Time to say - no more - time to stop! Time to break the cycle!

Please may I offer a point of view. Although easier said than done, we must resist the temptation to place our faith in the opinion of others: rather generate our own self confidence in ourselves. Others do not have the facts. They do not have the understanding of how it feels to be at the receiving end of a borderline parent, especially during childhood when we are vulnerable.

Also, the borderline person can be quite manipulative in marshalling folk to their world view, even it if means lying about us behind our backs.

Yes, absolutely, time to protect ourselves, time to transcend the ill-informed judgement of others, time to put ourselves first.

To even get to a point where we accept our reality and recognise our wounds that need nurturing is an extraordinary step in itself.

Go for it! 



    






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allthesame

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10


« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2017, 04:01:36 PM »

Please may I offer a point of view. Although easier said than done, we must resist the temptation to place our faith in the opinion of others: rather generate our own self confidence in ourselves. Others do not have the facts. They do not have the understanding of how it feels to be at the receiving end of a borderline parent, especially during childhood when we are vulnerable.

Basenji, any advice is appreciated.  I just purchased Surviving a Borderline Parent and Mothers Who Can't Love... .hopefully they both are helpful with me.  I'm just starting to really deal with this and realize I have some amount of control in the situation.

I'm just really struggling with guilt and other emotions after cutting her off!  As sad as it is that others have been through the same experiences, it really helps to connect to others that just don't automatically assume the worst of me but instead understand my feelings and what I'm going through.  It means so much!
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