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Author Topic: Husband won't get treatment, fights are escalating  (Read 349 times)
WitzEndWife
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 674



« on: January 18, 2017, 01:54:25 PM »

Hi everyone - I'm new, but have been reading some of the posts here and have been getting information on BPD.

I'm 36 years old and have been married just over one year to a man (39), who has not officially been diagnosed with BPD, but my own therapist has worked with him with me during couples counseling, and has said she thinks that he is, and pointed me to this site so that I could learn more. I have to say that it's astonishing how much I've read describes his behavior.

When we first met, he was visiting from another country and decided, shortly after meeting me, that he wanted to stay. Although we hadn't known each other long, I agreed to let him stay with me, against my more practical judgment. However, for the first six months or so, he was helpful, attentive, and loving. He organized my apartment, helped me take care of my dog, he was emotionally supportive, encouraging and fun. We fell hard and fast for each other. However, things started to devolve slowly over time.

At first, he started having a bit of a problem with excessive drinking in social situations, once horribly embarrassing me at my cousin's Thanksgiving dinner table. When he was drunk, he also would sometimes take on an impish, mean-spirited persona, doing things to purposely upset or annoy me. It would go from playing annoying songs to pretending to be mean and menacing, for no reason, laughing it off when I got scared or angry. Once, he hit me in the face with a belt while being "pretend mean." I set a hard boundary there, and he scaled back the drinking and hasn't gotten excessively drunk in a long while.

After that phase, he started to get depressed more often, lying in bed all day, sometimes for two or three days in a row. His constant mood swings and neediness started to drag on me. We fought, I begged him to get therapy, and he finally did. It was some inexpensive therapy through a university, where he basically paid $20 a week for someone to listen to him talk about his problems. It seemed to help a little bit, and he seemed to enjoy it. Things leveled out a bit.

His therapist moved out of town a few months later, and it was just enough of a distraction that he stopped going altogether. At this point, we'd gotten engaged. Things were okay enough until the US election cycle started heating up, and he suddenly changed his perspective to be on the completely opposite end of the political spectrum from me. He started loudly listening to really offensive YouTubers, whose views I did not share, and he would try to force me to listen to them, which almost always caused me to get really upset. We fought a lot and I started shouting, which is not like me. Usually he stayed pretty calm during the fights, only rarely raising his voice.

Simultaneously, he wasn't working and had stopped doing most things around the house, outside of things he enjoyed doing. I was working full time and started to take side projects on to support both of us until he got his work permit. I was feeling stressed and overburdened, and that started leaking out during arguments as well.

When I would address his lack of helpfulness, he would act wounded, as if I didn't appreciate him. He would say, "Fine, I'll go sleep under a bridge then." As if there were only two options: Me bearing 100 percent of the burden and staying silent about it, or him being turned out into the "cold, cruel world" by a heartless, persecuting demon. In general, he bounced between being needy and clingy, and being critical and contrarian. Over time, the arguments started heating up, and he would get really combative and venomous, claiming to be the one who was being victimized, while he lashed out at me, and at my family members online.

He agreed to go to couples therapy with me before we got married, and things seemed to get better for a little while. We fought less and we refrained from letting our political opinions escalate into arguments. However, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't hesitant, even as we said our vows. I guess that I was (foolishly) hoping that things would get better.

Over most of the first year that we were married, these themes would continue. Sometimes he would be depressed and in bed for days, refusing to eat or bathe. Sometimes he would be ultra loving, to the point of being needy and clingy, and sometimes he would be antagonistic, intentionally saying or doing things to try to get under my skin. Meanwhile, he would promise to study for his intended career path, and he would consistently fail to do so. My sister bought a book for him to study for Christmas 2015, and, to this day, he has read about 1/16th of the way through, even though he has now received his work permit.

In September 2016, I was laid off from my position. During which time, he started Ubering in my car (his car is too old). I scrambled to find something new in our city, but nothing came to fruition, and money was getting scarce, as we lived in a very expensive city. My husband had been begging me for months to move back to my hometown. So, I applied for a great job in my home city and I got it. We moved to my hometown, and in with my parents for a while (which he wanted to do in order to save money), and have been here for two months.

Since we moved, it's been straight up horrible. Prior to moving, he again promised that he would immediately start looking for full-time work, as well as commence studying in earnest for his intended career path. Instead, he spent most of the first few weeks ling around in bed, or on his computer. Then, he started arguing with my parents about politics, and then criticizing them for every little thing, from the way they lived, to the way they spent their money, to the way they ate. He refused to eat my mom's cooking, he hesitated to socialize with the family, and he spent more days in bed, sans food or water. He also adheres to a very restrictive diet, which goes out the window arbitrarily when HE feels like it.
He's either needy and clingy, or he's accusing me of hating him. And it's true, I'm growing resentful. Whenever we have a fight now, it's a horrible, screaming fight, usually in the car. Our fights have devolved into these insane power struggles. He says he hates me, he can't stand me, and that he's leaving to go live in the woods. Most of the time when we fight in the car, he either smashes down the accelerator, trying to scare me, or he pulls over and stomps on the break, and tries to get out of the car. It makes me literally crazy, I turn the anger inward on myself and have even started hitting myself when we fight, and threatening suicide because I can't take it. My job is high pressure and I am also working out at the gym very hard, and I barely sleep through the night anymore.

I am always walking on eggshells around him. I can't express my frustration, get angry, or feel sad or desperate. To him, I've become this hateful monster that nags him all of the time about work and therapy. To me, I feel like I am pulling a load of rocks up a hill, and he's sitting in the cart, reaping all of the benefits of my hard labor and criticizing my "technique" while doing it. Our fight last night was over him asking me about my timeline for paying off MY consumer debt (debt which was partially incurred paying for things for him).

As for treatment, well, I suggested DBT therapy, and, at first, he said it sounded appealing, but now he refuses to go, citing that he doesn't think it will work, and that he doesn't think a stranger can help him. If he doesn't get help, he will keep spinning and floundering, and we will keep fighting.

I really think he has no intention of actually doing what he's promised he would do. On the one hand, I do love him, but, on the other hand, I resent him with every fiber of my being for refusing to stand on his own two feet, both emotionally and even physically. I find myself fantasizing about living a life of freedom. It hurts me to think of living without him in a way, but I can't force him to get treatment. At least I am in therapy, which helps. My therapist suggests giving him somewhat of an ultimatum, or drawing a hard boundary regarding therapy. Has anyone done such a thing and seen changes in their mate? Or has anyone had to leave a BPD mate because they refused to get help? How was your life better or different afterward?
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"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 09:00:52 PM »

Hi WitzEndWife,

Welcome

I.  can see how frustrating that would feel when you're pulling your weight, his weight and he's denigrating you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's really important to take care of ourselves when our partner has BPD.‎

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Excerpt
My therapist suggests giving him somewhat of an ultimatum, or drawing a hard boundary regarding therapy. Has anyone done such a thing and seen changes in their mate? Or has anyone had to leave a BPD mate because they refused to get help? How was your life better or different afterward?.

I can't answer your question about setting a boundary witht therapy, someone else on this board has likely gone through something similar. A pwBPD have a dependency on others with things that they really should be doing themselves and sometimes we inadvertently enable our pwBPD. Have you set boundaries with him in the past? You're likely going to have some backlash but it will eventually taper off.

I'm glad that you've found us, you'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.


PS The lessons are to the right side of the board  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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