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Author Topic: Having children: can you avoid triggering the pwBPD in-law?  (Read 353 times)
TDeer
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 90


« on: January 18, 2017, 02:20:37 PM »

If there's already articles on this subject or posts, please do direct me accordingly, but ... .

how do people prepare for having children in regards to having an in-law pwBPD?

How do we avoid the pwBPD having tantrums that they're not the center of attention?

How do we protect our milestones and happy occasions?

The pwBPD in my life is my mother-in-law. Do I just try to pretend I'm not pregnant until I have the child? I smell that as a recipe for disaster, but I don't want to have kids and have her split again like she did before our wedding.

At least I'd be aware of what was going on instead of having it hit me out of nowhere.

What do people do in order to manage this? I don't want my happiest moments in my life made less and into frustration and anger because my mother-in-law has BPD.
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Stolen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 02:31:48 PM »

TDeer,

Judging from my experience, your concern is well-founded.  When my uBPDxW hesitantly told her mother of us expecting our first child, it elicited one of the most evil statements I have heard: "I am not ready to be a grandmother".  Accompanied with the familiar self-indulgent rage, and all about "I". 

If the news had been withheld, it would have brought the familiar "why wasn't I the first to know?"  again accompanied with the familiar rage.

So, in my case at least, this was a lose/lose proposition, even though centered on one of the most blessed events in life.

Its so important to have a united front to set boundaries with your MIL.  In my case that never happened and her toxicity worked its magic well on the next generation.

I am sure you will get some even better advice from the excellent support team here.



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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2017, 06:13:39 AM »

I understand your concern. I have a mother with BPD and being in contact with her while trying to minimize the drama between is is an important consideration.

I do have a word of warning though- and that is BPD affects family dynamics. Growing up with a BPD mother, I played my "role" in the family dynamics without being aware of whether or not it was dysfunctional. The children of parents with BPD may not have a disorder ourselves- but to survive in such a family- we may have learned behaviors- like being co-dependent, or walking on eggshells to keep our PBD parent in a stable mood.

In my FOO, having boundaries, saying no to my mother was often followed by her being triggered and angry. The Karpman drama triangle is a model of what happened. Mom would go into victim mode ( the preferred role in my experience of someone with BPD). She would present us kids as the persecutor to my father. My father would step in to "rescue" her and punish us. We grew up learning we could not say no to my mother.

When I finally did set boundaries with her as an adult,  I paid an emotional price for that. My mother is divisive. You are either on her side or not her side. She painted me black to my FOO, and placed my father in a position to choose, me or her. He chose her. The boundaries were over my own kids and included that I would not allow my mother to do the things you are concerned about- make everything about her when it came to them.

Here is the warning though- I did this, and so faced the consequences of my mother's anger. Had my H done that- it would have been a set up for the drama triangle. Because I was motivated to do this- it was between me and her. ( she acted out the triangle with others)

My warning is this- where is your H in this understanding of BPD? All of us play our family roles to some extent, and he may be doing this without even realizing it. It isn't his fault- when we are raised this way ,it is all we know.

I think boundaries are important- I stand with your feelings. However, I know that I had to be motivated to change the dynamics in my behavior with my family. If your H is too, then this is a way the two of you can stand together. However, if he is not in the place you are- then this might be a potential triangle- you, MIL, H. Even if your H loves you dearly and agrees with you- he will face his family dynamics.

We all do this to some extent. My H's FOO has some issues, not as severe as my mothers. Once I became aware of family dynamics, I could see his as well. When we visited, everyone played out their roles - including him. I could see it, but he could not. Because his family situation was not as severe as mine, it didn't affect the kids, but I could see it affect him some. Yet, because it felt normal to him, it wasn't obvious.

I know there are ways that I act in my own FOO- that are also so "normal" to me, but may not be to others.
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TDeer
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 11:58:24 AM »

I think we may be in a triangle, or at least we were, but I'm having a hard time figuring it out exactly.

The triangle started when his mom with BPD baited me and then when I gave her a reaction by telling her that she spit on my efforts to help her feel welcomed in my wedding (to her son which she was playing money games etc with and tons of other outbursts) she then acted the part of the victim.

That was a triangle, right? His dad stayed out of it. My husband (then fiancee) had had a previous argument with his mother previous to me speaking to her.

She then tried to flip her son against me. It started to work until I flat out explained to my husband to be what was happening (what she said that baited me and how bad it was for me to easily say that I told his mom I felt disrespected. I had spent ages trying to make her feel included, but upon typing this I realize again that I shouldn't have engaged her in the first place even to help her. She wasn't going to be satisfied since she wasn't the center of attention.)

At this point it's been that he goes to his parents' house for his FOO gatherings because he wants to protect me from further conflict, but we're stuck now.

My MIL pwBPD also started sending cards to just him, which frustrated me at first, but then I sent her a thank you card for the scarf she sent me plus the gifts she gave my husband. I figured we have to start putting something positive into the mix. Plus we have to lead since the pwBPD won't. We also have to show her that we won't be stooping to her level.

Soo... .is this a true triangle?


His sister was involved pre-wedding by also stepping up and telling us not to invite his mom pwBPD to the bridal shower due to her previous outbursts.

But we are trying to move forward by first understanding what happened and is happening as well as trying to find strategies to move on.
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