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Author Topic: New to BPD - Trying to reunite with BPD ex boyfriend  (Read 554 times)
eleven_11

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« on: January 20, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »

I am not really sure where to begin. . . I apologize for the long message ahead.

My guy and I were together for 5 years. We broke up a little over a year ago. The first three and a half years of our relationship were really wonderful and so fulfilling. Three and a half years in, he told me that when he was a little boy he was diagnosed with OCD and then later on in his teenage years diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At the time, I was a little hurt that he kept this information from me for so long... .but looking back I can understand why he did. The last one and a half years of our relationship were pretty rough because of arguments over things he did that I held grudges against. I just felt very angry at him and I was not dealing with my feelings and sort of pushing them under the rug instead of working with these feelings and communicating with him. There was definitely a lack of communication going on. He broke up with me and in the beginning was confused about his decision. He said things like, "I am confused", "I feel like I am losing my lover, my best friend", etc. I was so heartbroken and tried everything to get him back and came off extremely desperate. I ended up cutting contact with him because he was treating me like I didn't exist. He came back a few weeks later asking to be in each other's lives. I agreed because I care for him so much. We remained in contact for about a month and then both just stopped talking for around 6 months until a few months ago in September when he messaged me when he found out my dog passed away. We have been in consistent contact with one another for the past 4.5 months now.

We have been communicating through text messages. On New years eve, he was talking to me about moving away to another province/country to study law and live there (this is a field he has never had any interest in before, mind you). I was sad to hear that he wants to move away and so we got into a conversation about it because he told me that he felt like I was bothered by it. He told me that how I feel about it matters to him, so I opened up about how I felt and told him that I still very much care about him and that I know he cares about me too... .I said that I can still clearly see a fulfilling, beautiful future for the two of us together. That is when he replied to tell me that he was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder within the last few months and showed me a book that his therapist told him he should read called "loving someone with borderline personality disorder" by Shari Y. Manning, PhD. I am currently reading the book he mentioned and it breaks my heart to know what he goes through. I have also been doing a lot of my own research online to learn more about BPD and it makes a lot of sense when I look back on our relationship. If only I knew then what I know now!

Over the past year, I have really been focusing on bettering my communication skills and knowing how I want to better my relationships. To me, I have realized it is about working at my relationships instead of throwing them away. I did a lot of introspection and reflecting back on things since the relationship ended (especially now knowing that he was diagnosed with BPD). I definitely recognize the unhealthy behaviors contributed not only on his part, by my part as well and I have been working on bettering how I deal with my feelings and communication over the past year with everyone in my life. For months, I was so confused as to how I should communicate with an "ex-boyfriend", but now have realized that if I love this man, showering him with care, love and compassion is the way I want to go about it. I have been reading that validation is super important and so I have been doing that with him and it seems to really make a difference!

When he came back into my life a few months ago, he asked me to go for dinner with him. We had an amazing time and it felt so natural. We also saw each other on Wednesday this week and in between September and now, I tried to make plans with him, but there seemed to be a lot of pushing and pulling going on. He had asked me a handful of times to go for dinner, but unfortunately it never really worked out because we either 1) never made concrete plans or 2) were unavailable. It felt like hanging out had to be on his terms, you know what I mean? However after a while of not asking, I finally asked him to hang out on Wednesday, and he seemed happy about it. We had a great time, but when he dropped me off at home he ended up seeing my dad. They exchanged hi's and how are you's, but when my dad left, my guy felt overwhelmed with guilt. He has seen family members of mine at his work (he works in an area where most of my family lives) and he always feels guilt and shame. I always explain and try to reassure to him that my family loves him. I wasn't just saying these things to try and make him feel better; my family really does love and care about him a lot and always ask me to invite him over, etc. Later that Wednesday night when he got home, he texted and said we should go to a museum soon. I suggested next week and that is the plan so far!

I see the potential for us. We built a solid foundation for our relationship in the beginning, which I think is very helpful. I know for myself that I have am definitely using the tools I have gathered this past year and know what to bring into a new relationship.

How can I show him / tell him that I understand how my behavior in the past must've caused him to feel abandoned, but that I acted in the only way I knew how at the time. If I knew then what I know now, I would've definitely dealt with my feelings and communicated with him differently. I'd like to show him that I am sticking around and want to build our relationship further and continue to be his support.

I'd like to think that I am an optimistic person the majority of the time. I believe each and every one of us on this forum will achieve our desires. Anything is possible.

I'd love to hear your suggestions and advice.

E.
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2017, 03:30:43 PM »

Hi eleven_11,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. You're clever, you've already discovered the silver lining, BPD can teach us where we need to do self work with interpersonal r/s's  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Are you saying that you want to re-assure him that you won't abandon him? Do you feel like you telegraphed abandonment when you reunited a few months ago with his push / pull behavior?
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eleven_11

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« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2017, 06:27:43 PM »

Thank you for your response Mutt Smiling (click to insert in post) I really appreciate it and I'm glad to be here!

When we dated, the last year and half was really rough because he did certain things and I held onto my anger and grudges because of those things. I didn't communicate with him how I was feeling because I really just wasn't working through my feelings in the first place, and didn't know how to convey how I felt or how to work through it. We both didn't know he had BPD at the time, and so neither of us knew how to efficiently and properly deal with what was going on. He was only recently diagnosed with BPD and I have been doing a lot of reading and research on it and it made me realize that he must've really felt abandoned during that time because I was responding to his actions by pushing him away. Since we've been in contact now for the past 4.5 months, and especially since he has told me he has been diagnosed with BPD, I have been doing my best to learn and understand what goes on in his head and how to communicate with him. I have to admit, it is still a little confusing to me at times, but things are going well for the most part. We talk every day and we both show care and appreciation for the other. We have and always have had a great connection with one another. However, I see a push and pull coming from him. Some days he is very talkative and flirtatious, brings up memories of us and talks about hanging out, and other days when I bring up hanging out or if I say something that maybe is too intimate, he will pull back. It seems that he can say intimate things, etc. on his terms and it's fine.

I have hope for this relationship and I guess I am trying to understand what is going on in his mind. On my end, I want to work towards getting back together again. And yes, I want to re-assure him that I never meant for him to ever feel abandoned (I am assuming he felt like that from what I am learning about BPD, not that he said he felt that way) and that I am sticking around. Since the break up over a year ago, I really struggled with figuring out how to communicate with him because I was reading all about no contact and all of these manipulative dating tactics that I hate. I have recently decided that I am just going to shower him with the love I have for him instead of walking on eggshells or figuring out "how long to wait to reply" or "what specific thing I should say". Anything worth having takes work and all relationships take effort. Relationships aren't easy and especially BP relationships as I am learning, but I believe our relationship is worth it.

I also want to apologize as sometimes it is a little difficult for me to write out my thoughts and my posts end up either not making sense, being way too lengthy or being all over the place  I am sorry about that! :P

Hi eleven_11,

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. You're clever, you've already discovered the silver lining, BPD can teach us where we need to do self work with interpersonal r/s's  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Are you saying that you want to re-assure him that you won't abandon him? Do you feel like you telegraphed abandonment when you reunited a few months ago with his push / pull behavior?
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« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2017, 07:35:54 PM »

Hi Eleven_11,

No worries, it was easy to follow what you posted  Smiling (click to insert in post) You're putting in sincere effort to learn about the disorder, I just wanted to say that his attachment style is something that belongs to him, I would depersonalize it, it doesn't mean to suppress what you feel. ‎

Attachment styles develop in early childhood, if we had a caregiver that was present usually we'll have a secure attachment style, the ability to self sooth. On the opposition end if our caregivers were were not present we have anxious attachment styles, inability to self sooth. I 'll give you a link on attachment styles tell me what think.

‎Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2017, 08:37:27 PM »

Hello, and welcome! You've found a community of people who know what you are going through.

I'd like to lay your mind at ease a bit regarding prior things you did which contributed to your boyfriend feeling abandoned--this is one small area where the nature of the disorder actually can help you!

If he's not feeling abandoned by you right now, then it is hard for him to remember that his previous feelings were different... .so that apology need not be at the top of your list of things to worry about.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I find it far better to focus on what is happening now, and how you can best deal with that.

How much daily contact do you have with him, and what sort of things are difficult about it now? (The more specific, the easier it is to work out ways to improve)

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eleven_11

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« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2017, 08:41:55 PM »

Okay, great! I am glad to hear it was easy to follow Smiling (click to insert in post)

If you could just further explain what you mean by "I would depersonalize it, it doesn't mean to suppress what you feel." -that would be helpful.

I just read the post about the different attachment styles. Thanks for sharing Smiling (click to insert in post) Okay, so, for the first 3 years or so, I'd say we were both pretty secure in our relationship. There really weren't any major issues in our relationship and we were always able to freely and easily express love, appreciation, etc. for one another and work through any issues that came up. However, when I think back, I do remember him being jealous at times or explaining to me how he never wants to lose me. I am not sure if that indicative of anxious attachment. I felt the same way of never wanting to lose him (although I was never worried that I would), because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. The problems came on really fast after 3 and a half years together. When I think back I don't even remember everything that happened exactly, but I know I held on to anger and grudges and communication went downhill from there.

I would say now that he is a mixture of avoidant and anxious. Although (I don't know if this is possible), I still see a glimmer of secure attachment style in him. I remember talking to him about a book I read about love languages and we had a discussion about it. His view on relationships at that time (a couple of months ago) seems to fall into this category.

*sigh* it is a little confusing for me to figure it out. I am not even sure if he is a mixture of all three or just one or two... .

Hi Eleven_11,

No worries, it was easy to follow what you posted  Smiling (click to insert in post) You're putting in sincere effort to learn about the disorder, I just wanted to say that his attachment style is something that belongs to him, I would depersonalize it, it doesn't mean to suppress what you feel. ‎

Attachment styles develop in early childhood, if we had a caregiver that was present usually we'll have a secure attachment style, the ability to self sooth. On the opposition end if our caregivers were were not present we have anxious attachment styles, inability to self sooth. I 'll give you a link on attachment styles tell me what think.

‎Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships


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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2017, 09:06:44 PM »

I can explain, become indifferent with the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, it's something that he's going through internally and it's not personal. That doesn't mean to invalidate or stuff down your feelings, you have a right to feel the way that you. That being said, if I have BPD things going on in my life, I come here, it helps keep me grounded sharing with people that get it. Now I have certain individuals in real life that I trust and I can share with them how I feel. I hope that helps.
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eleven_11

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« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2017, 09:07:55 PM »

Hi Grey Kitty! Thanks for your response Smiling (click to insert in post) It is very much appreciated! I can see that and I am really grateful that everyone on here seems to be so helpful and understanding. It really helps Smiling (click to insert in post)

Ahhh okay that is interesting. Why is that exactly? Why would he not remember previously feeling abandoned?

We text every day. Sometimes we keep texting throughout the day here and there and other times we have longer conversations. We like to share music with one another (we are both musicians) and sometimes like to send each other recordings of songs we're learning on guitar, etc. Some days he is more talkative and other days not so much. Although, when we do talk, we are always laughing and joking around with one another. Speaking of him. . .he just messaged me right now to say hello  He just finished work.

He told me about his BPD on new years day and since then he has brought up feeling depressed lately. On one occasion he said that he has been feeling really down lately, but doesn't want to talk about why right now. In my first post, I talked about how he has mentioned to me that he wants to move away and told me how I feel about it matters to him. I was honest with how I felt about it and told him I still see a beautiful and fulfilling future for us and I selfishly don't want him to move away. I was wondering if that was partly why he was feeling down. Another time he was with friends and when he came home he told me he spent the day with friends, but still feels alone. I know that throughout our relationship, he always told me he never felt like he had real friends. Him and I were not only lovers, but best friends. I understood him, listened to him, was there for him, etc. unlike his friends.

Anyway, another time he messaged me during the night to ask me if I was awake. I didn't reply because I was asleep, but he messaged again saying he was feeling depressed. The next morning when I woke up and read these texts, I replied asking him to talk to me about what is going on. He messaged later on in the day completely avoiding conversation about why he is feeling the way he is feelings. So, basically, I can see he wants to talk about something and why he is feeling depressed, but he hasn't talked about it with me yet when I ask him to talk to me about it.


Hello, and welcome! You've found a community of people who know what you are going through.

I'd like to lay your mind at ease a bit regarding prior things you did which contributed to your boyfriend feeling abandoned--this is one small area where the nature of the disorder actually can help you!

If he's not feeling abandoned by you right now, then it is hard for him to remember that his previous feelings were different... .so that apology need not be at the top of your list of things to worry about.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I find it far better to focus on what is happening now, and how you can best deal with that.

How much daily contact do you have with him, and what sort of things are difficult about it now? (The more specific, the easier it is to work out ways to improve)


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eleven_11

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« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2017, 09:11:39 PM »

Thank you for explaining! That helped me understand what you were saying better. It does help Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can explain, become indifferent with the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, it's something that he's going through internally and it's not personal. That doesn't mean to invalidate or stuff down your feelings, you have a right to feel the way that you. That being said, if I have BPD things going on in my life, I come here, it helps keep me grounded sharing with people that get it. Now I have certain individuals in real life that I trust and I can share with them how I feel. I hope that helps.
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2017, 03:41:18 PM »

Anyway, another time he messaged me during the night to ask me if I was awake. I didn't reply because I was asleep, but he messaged again saying he was feeling depressed. The next morning when I woke up and read these texts, I replied asking him to talk to me about what is going on. He messaged later on in the day completely avoiding conversation about why he is feeling the way he is feelings. So, basically, I can see he wants to talk about something and why he is feeling depressed, but he hasn't talked about it with me yet when I ask him to talk to me about it.

Hmmm... .I don't like "probing" for feelings quite like that--it can easily feel invasive rather than supportive, if that makes sense.

One other thing about feelings and moods like that is that they are temporary and they change. (Not just for people with BPD; for everybody!)

So I'd probably reply with "Good morning. Are you still feeling depressed?"

Possibly with a "Sorry, I was asleep when these came in." mixed in, although it is kinda understood and may not need to be stated.

Doing this way invites him to talk about his depression if he chooses to, letting him know you care and are interested... .without pressuring him if he doesn't feel like sharing, or if his mood is now different.
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eleven_11

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« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2017, 03:53:08 PM »

Oh definitely! I should have mentioned that I did reply to him apologizing that I missed his message because I was asleep at that time. I also told him that he can talk to me whenever he feels the need for someone to listen. 

Hmmm... .I don't like "probing" for feelings quite like that--it can easily feel invasive rather than supportive, if that makes sense.

One other thing about feelings and moods like that is that they are temporary and they change. (Not just for people with BPD; for everybody!)

So I'd probably reply with "Good morning. Are you still feeling depressed?"

Possibly with a "Sorry, I was asleep when these came in." mixed in, although it is kinda understood and may not need to be stated.

Doing this way invites him to talk about his depression if he chooses to, letting him know you care and are interested... .without pressuring him if he doesn't feel like sharing, or if his mood is now different.
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« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2017, 05:45:18 PM »

eleven_11, how's it going?

Are you still at fairly distant contact with him?

Are you happy with how your interactions with him are going?
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eleven_11

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« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2017, 08:44:55 PM »

Hey Grey Kitty! So nice of you to check up. I appreciate that Smiling (click to insert in post)

We didn't really talk much over the weekend, but yesterday night he did ask me once again if I'd like to hang out this week!

I do have something maybe you can help me with. He does not have a good relationship with his father... .for the years we dated, I saw how often him and his father argued and all of that. He was talking to me about him briefly last night when he said that he got into a big argument with his dad and I know validating is an important part of communication. I kind of struggle with figuring out how to validate properly. If someone says "my relationship with my father is hostile", what is a good way to respond to that? I already responded in the best way I could, but I would live to see your point of view Smiling (click to insert in post)

eleven_11, how's it going?

Are you still at fairly distant contact with him?

Are you happy with how your interactions with him are going?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2017, 04:02:44 PM »

I kind of struggle with figuring out how to validate properly. If someone says "my relationship with my father is hostile", what is a good way to respond to that?

First off, I wouldn't SAY this, but it is important for you to understand this:

His r/s with his father is his problem, not yours. You don't have to fix it, you don't have to do anything about it. I don't know if you've given him suggestions on how to "improve" it before... .but no matter how useful or correct those are, please understand that they may not have a positive impact.

Anyhow, how to validate it? Start by looking for what is valid in there... .

It sucks to have a hostile r/s with your father. This is true whether he or his father causes it--He still FEELS bad about it. That part is 100% real, no matter all the rest.

So you can validate how hard those feelings are for him.

You can also validate how unpleasant the arguments they have are. You've seen them, you can imagine how the last one he's talking about went if there was another.

Does that make sense?
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eleven_11

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« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2017, 07:51:22 PM »

Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes complete sense! Thanks for clarifying that for me Smiling (click to insert in post) I have never tried to tell him how to improve his relationship with his dad, so that's good.

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