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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Struggling with friendships and dating...  (Read 330 times)
Herodias
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« on: January 22, 2017, 05:41:28 PM »

Hi, I am really struggling with friendships. After what I have been through I don't trust people to begin with, but I have noticed a pattern of attracting "takers" in my life. It is good that I figured it out and now push them out. I have tried different venues to make new friends and am becoming very discouraged. People continue to disappoint me. I even had a man interested in me and I felt something wasn't right. One day we were texting and I literally felt like someone punched me in the gut with something he said. I kept telling myself that it was just my PTSD, but then a coupe of people told me he seems controlling. The weird thing is a friend of mine knows him and said he is a really nice guy, but I told him you don't know what he is like at home. He said no- so I have to trust my gut. It is so strange. I have been trying to get this one woman to like me I think, but after several odd things she has done, I realized she is not someone I should be around. I am really glad that I am realizing all of this and am very aware now. I just feel more alone. My family has just all moved out of state and I feel extra alone because of this. I am talking on the phone allot to someone I had been friends with, but we lost contact when we both got married.  I am actually able to help her since she married a narcissist and then has dated a sociopath. Proof if you don't slow down and learn, you repeat the pattern. She has almost been destroyed by these people and I am trying to get her to move back here so she can have a chance to get her life back, plus we would both have a friend to do things with as we used to have so much fun together years ago before we met these jerks. I really hope she doesn't take the last guy back, she is feeling desperate and I fear for her life. Anyway, I am feeling very depressed and a bit hopeless. There was someone I thought was really nice that I was interested in, but I pretty much found out today by his actions it was one sided. I swear it's more fun to like someone at a distance than to actually find out they don't feel the same. I just wanted to vent. I guess my question is, does anyone else feel lonely in their new awareness of people? I honestly know that all people are not bad, but I just feel like I am constantly being tested. Other people see these people as takers in my life, but why can't I see it sooner, why do I keep meeting them?  I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel ultra sensitive, but I also feel awakened. It is kind of depressing. I can't seem to find a balance. Realize also, this has been happening over the past year and I am not running around trying to make things happen really fast-I am not "looking too hard"... .I am just finally coming to some conclusions and trying to stop the pattern.
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valet
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 966


« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2017, 10:34:13 PM »

I know how you feel. Sometimes people don't feel as safe to interact with as they did before, and I find myself a lot more keen on getting to know a small group of people very well than have a wide circle of acquaintances.

Dating a pwBPD (especially when we are ungrounded and not aware of the affects of the disorder on those who suffer, as well as their partners), isn't a task that should be taken on a whim. There are many therapists out there that choose not to treat these personality types for a reason.

It might feel like there is something wrong with us, that we are defective, etc. But when we take a step back and review the bigger picture these are the results of a much larger mechanism. Your brain is relearning how to interact with the world because your entire relationship with trust was shattered. Give yourself time and try to be patient. There are no short term solutions, but things will get better with time as you learn to self-soothe those negative emotions. Surround yourself with as much support as possible. See a T if you are able to. And most of all... .believe in yourself. When we give ourselves a chance at having hope the world becomes a different place.
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2017, 01:59:55 AM »

I can't say how you meet "good" people instead of the other kind. I think it is mostly a numbers game... .and getting good at identifying which people you want to spend more time with. Be patient with yourself.

Your history probably has your group of friends biased toward the wrong ones. ("Takers" as you call them)

I'm guessing that your FOO had these problems. Your ex clearly did, or you wouldn't be here. That kind of relationship felt "normal" or "comfortable" to you. Not good, but what you were used to. Thus you kept them instead of writing them off or shoving them off into the distance as acquaintances.

Getting used to healthier relationships is an adjustment. Trust that you will get better at finding them. 

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Sunfl0wer
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2017, 08:05:22 AM »

Excerpt
Anyway, I am feeling very depressed and a bit hopeless. There was someone I thought was really nice that I was interested in, but I pretty much found out today by his actions it was one sided. I swear it's more fun to like someone at a distance than to actually find out they don't feel the same. I just wanted to vent. I guess my question is, does anyone else feel lonely in their new awareness of people? I honestly know that all people are not bad, but I just feel like I am constantly being tested. Other people see these people as takers in my life, but why can't I see it sooner, why do I keep meeting them?  I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel ultra sensitive, but I also feel awakened. It is kind of depressing. I can't seem to find a balance

So I am two years or so out of my r/s with my ex and well, I see myself still adjusting to learning and implementing boundaries.  I do see myself still evolving.  (I imagine it is just that in my mind I have more freedom to grow, not really that he is more relavant to this than that)

Like 6 months ago or such, I can't recall, I lost two friends I had been friends with for years.  I just started to feel my eyes open about it being somewhat one sided with one, and the other, I realized she was only wanting to relive her past, talk about who she used to be and have someone to retell stories of her past to.  I really wanted to talk about experiences in present day life and make plans to do stuff or make today stories or such.  So the guy ended up offended after I explained I wanted to have talks less one sided, the gal kinda faded away as I took less initiative to meet up.

I have to say, right after it, I was feeling like something was wrong with me a bit.  Like keeping friends was a problem for me.

With some time from that, I now see it as me relearning my values, and a natural result of me still growing to love and get to know myself better.  They just ended up being less compatible with what I want in life now.  

So my work with boundaries seems to be never done.
Just last week I was bringing up in therapy how a client at work is abusive and I am struggling to not feel triggered. Shocker for me... . he did not tell me how not to get triggered by abuse.  He kinda looked oddly at me.  I asked, "Well, you must know what to do and have more people try to be abusive to you in a day than I?" He said he doesn't. Wow! I had no idea it was not ok for clients at work to speak derrogatory, controlling things to me.  I simply thought, I am the professional, it is my job to not get triggered, not get controlled, etc.  Newsflash to me that getting spoken to demeaning is not ok?  

Anyway, just saying, for me, I see it as ongoing process.
Seems to take lots of experiences, interactions for me to know what I don't like and don't want.  The process is not failing cause I am still learning what I like or what I like changes as I am learning more about myself and growing.  So it kinda makes sense that friends I had four years ago, before such growth, may no longer seem suitable for me now. 
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
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