Anyway, I am feeling very depressed and a bit hopeless. There was someone I thought was really nice that I was interested in, but I pretty much found out today by his actions it was one sided. I swear it's more fun to like someone at a distance than to actually find out they don't feel the same. I just wanted to vent. I guess my question is, does anyone else feel lonely in their new awareness of people? I honestly know that all people are not bad, but I just feel like I am constantly being tested. Other people see these people as takers in my life, but why can't I see it sooner, why do I keep meeting them? I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel ultra sensitive, but I also feel awakened. It is kind of depressing. I can't seem to find a balance
So I am two years or so out of my r/s with my ex and well, I see myself still adjusting to learning and implementing boundaries. I do see myself still evolving. (I imagine it is just that in my mind I have more freedom to grow, not really that he is more relavant to this than that)
Like 6 months ago or such, I can't recall, I lost two friends I had been friends with for years. I just started to feel my eyes open about it being somewhat one sided with one, and the other, I realized she was only wanting to relive her past, talk about who she used to be and have someone to retell stories of her past to. I really wanted to talk about experiences in present day life and make plans to do stuff or make today stories or such. So the guy ended up offended after I explained I wanted to have talks less one sided, the gal kinda faded away as I took less initiative to meet up.
I have to say, right after it, I was feeling like something was wrong with me a bit. Like keeping friends was a problem for me.
With some time from that, I now see it as me relearning my values, and a natural result of me still growing to love and get to know myself better. They just ended up being less compatible with what I want in life now.
So my work with boundaries seems to be never done.
Just last week I was bringing up in therapy how a client at work is abusive and I am struggling to not feel triggered. Shocker for me... . he did not tell me how not to get triggered by abuse. He kinda looked oddly at me. I asked, "Well, you must know what to do and have more people try to be abusive to you in a day than I?" He said he doesn't. Wow! I had no idea it was not ok for clients at work to speak derrogatory, controlling things to me. I simply thought, I am the professional, it is my job to not get triggered, not get controlled, etc. Newsflash to me that getting spoken to demeaning is not ok?
Anyway, just saying, for me, I see it as ongoing process.
Seems to take lots of experiences, interactions for me to know what I don't like and don't want. The process is not failing cause I am still learning what I like or what I like changes as I am learning more about myself and growing. So it kinda makes sense that friends I had four years ago, before such growth, may no longer seem suitable for me now.