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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: What to do with this?  (Read 398 times)
ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« on: January 29, 2017, 10:17:50 PM »

I just received this text from my ex.

Word for word.

First text
I just want to to know that I miss you you and think of all of you everyday.

Second
I'm sorry if that sounds corny.

I have not responded.  I left the spelling mistakes as they were.  The "think of all you" refers to me and the cats... .

Do I validate, no it's not corny and leave it at that?   I am not completely NC, I just don't call or text her.   This is the first text of this type in 2 months.

Crikey.
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SuperJew82
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 301


« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2017, 10:54:55 PM »

I'm going to be blunt and let someone else who is more explanatory elaborate afterward.

No. Block the number and focus on living your life. Look forward, not backward. I know it's tempting but it will cause more pain by prolonging it. Trust me on this.
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Mutt
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2017, 11:10:44 PM »

Hi ynma,

There's no right or wrong answer. Let's look at this from a different perspectivee, your exe's. What if your ex sent it and they're hoping that they're going to get a response that validates some kind of emotional attachment. Would your response validate that?  Everyone's situation and needs are different, in my case the only thing that I respond to is if it's something that has to do about the kids, everything else I choose not to validate, I choose to self protect because my ex cannot sustain a healthy r/s with me.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Larmoyant
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2017, 11:27:13 PM »

Hi ynwa, I’d start by working out how it’s affected you? What feelings has it brought up? I used to receive similar texts from my ex and I was a mess of conflicting emotions and it triggered hope. My tendency was to always answer and it kept me stuck for 11 months.  Remember, for your ex it reflects her emotions of the moment. She might feel differently in a few hours/days. Sounds cynical, but I now believe that my ex kept in contact because he was having a hard time letting go of me as an 'attachment'.  It all depends on what you want or are hoping for? Ask yourself is responding likely to cause you further pain?

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Kelli Cornett
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2017, 11:56:10 PM »

I've gotten those as well...

Email 1... .2 weeks post dump... .was I know I'm the last person you want to hear from etc... .blah and I know this doesn't excuse my behavior I'm just seeking closure

... .I didn't respond

Email #2 - 2 weeks after that... .I just had this date it was awful all i could talk about was you they thought i was a horrible person... I know we are over but i still miss you...

... .I didn't respond...

No contact except a snarky comment on a post I made on FB (note when we ere together she never commented and we were never friends on FB)...

... .I didn't respond...

Xmas came... .I was waiting, hoping to hear from her ... .because even though I didn't respond to the prior emails I still felt better for a day or two... just hearing from her... .

I caved an send an email ... simply just a Merry Christmas... .

I got a response fairly quickly... .pleasant, no I miss you... and she spelled my name wrong (ouch)...

fast forward to 1/3... .
I get an email...

Just wondering if we could check in on one another from time to time as friends...
Hasnt been a day since october 10th (the dump) that I hadn't thought about you
There was a lot more about me you needed to know...

Well I bit that hook totally and called.

Got what I wanted...   I love you, I havent stopped loving you etc... .
Then intermittent calls/returns of texts
then hearing about this  new "friend" which my gut tells me is more
Kinda call her on that and get a bit slammed... .
Then all cold and business and havent heard from her for about a week

so her profile on an online dating site on friday ... .- probably was on there for awhile no way to know... .I just rejoined myself...

So I'd say don't do it... .
It's a pattern
They just want to know they can still "get" you... .but nothing has changed... and they may indeed mean what they say at that moment or it may be a manipulation  you won't ever know...

The interesting part of speaking to her this time was I knew of BPD and read these forums...

I swear the whole time I felt like she was "acting" BPD from a book it was soo typical... .

even up to asking me if I was recording our phone call... .

Was I was AWARE of for me this time ... .I don't trust her... .
she tell me things and my head would go well if that's true... .

I wanted to talk to her about it... .not text... .and poof she was gone... .although she had no idea what i wanted to talk about... .

You can't have a real relationship with them... .that requires two people communicating...

This is a one way street and they drive the car... sometimes over you...

At best you may get some temporary relief but you it doesn't' get better it ends faster and harder each time... .

If they work hard and spend years in therapy ... maybe they can have a decent relationship... .but not with us... .and not us with them...
They are fragile and this is a shame based disorder... .
they would need a clean slate with someone AFTER they did they work... They shame they'd experience trying to deal with soemone they'd injured would send them straight back to the disorder... .

Best you can hope for is that you were part of the story of their healing and your own... .and that they and you get the help you need and move on to more successful relationships...

for me I truly hope she does get help and doesn't hurt anyone else... .or herself in the process...

and at the end of the day that is the LOVE I can leave her with... .







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Ronald E Cornett, Kelli Cornet, Kelley Lyne Freeman,

kellicornett@hotmail.com, kelfreemanfreeman@aol.com, kelleyfree@yahoo.com
earlyL
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2017, 03:26:33 AM »

Hi,

I had really similar 'I love you and am thinking of you' on Friday night. It totally threw me. I think the question of how did it make you feel, what do you want out of it is really helpful. I would love to give the relationship another go, but it would need full commitment from her (she cheated) and honestly, I don't think she is capable of giving it. If she truly wants to, then I need more than I love you text. I have chosen not to respond for now, but I do think there will be more communication to come.

Let us know what happens next.

LW
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2017, 05:17:25 AM »

Hello all,  thank you for the support and guidance.

I did reply to her. That it wasn't Corny at all.   I didn't reach further and I wasn't triggered at all emotionally.  I took it at face value.

The fact I was able to put the phone down and go to bed is a good sign.  I don't want the relationship at this point, but I cannot go completely no contact because of her cat and her things being here.  They are logistical rather than emotional for the most part.

I'm good.  For now I think.
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ynwa
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 293


« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2017, 03:20:49 PM »

There were a couple more texts today about the bills and switching them over.

I know how it feels.  I don't want to see her go.  But I know that her behaviors aren't straight forward. She definitely cycles through them.  I know she honestly misses me.  I've made it clear how I feel over and over.  I'm still here. 

I've not mentioned her traits to her, but I've told her than her drinking and her need for therapy would need to be discussed. 

I want to tell her I miss her too, and more.  But what would change?  And I can't answer that.  Letting it go, until it make sense seems my only option. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2017, 03:38:51 PM »

I thing that you have the right idea with letting go for now while you sort through it.
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Soulcrushed4
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Posts: 52


« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2017, 03:47:13 PM »

I found comfort in the nice texts/emails.
Sadly it simply stalled my healing not completely blocking everything as I would wrestle with myself over if/what to reply and maintaining no contact helped me see that regardless of anything I do or don't do he still cycles through the same repertoire of emotions. I know I played a part in the entirety of the relationship but truly it's almost like I don't even register because his behaviours and actions are so predictable even without any external stimulus.

And shortly after the nice stuff the not so nice would follow in short order.

I don't know that I'll ever know or believe that he loves/d misses/d me as I can and have been replaced time and time again with countless others. In one breath he can claim his love and yet his online adds searching for NSA sex or FWB indicate otherwise.

Sadly the only thing I can see is how it all seemed/felt like a set up to his next emotion of the moment or an act being put on for his or his company of the moments benefit.

Not blocking everything kept me stuck in a place where I couldn't detach as I was constantly still riding his emotional roller coaster even from a distance and in a way putting myself through more torture because it would trigger me to ruminating over the relationship and what would happen next or be the next emotion I'd need to grapple based on the message received. I no longer want to give someone that power over me.

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earlyL
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 176

Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"


« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2017, 06:19:58 PM »



I want to tell her I miss her too, and more.  But what would change?  And I can't answer that.  Letting it go, until it make sense seems my only option. 

This is exactly where I am at, it helps to know someone else feels this way. Letting it go for now.
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