Intro

[blownhead]

Do you believe that I have been in a relationship for 40+ years with a BPD significant other.  I have been yo-yo-ed back and forth, up and down etc.  I just learned of this disorder and am seeking help desperately to understand and therefore, stay in this relationship.  I am pretty sure that I am reacting wrongly and I am feeling hopeless.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blownhead]

We can have a happy period; I feel like I am on cloud9 and then FLICK; the switch is turned off and Dr Jekyl is gone and Mr Hyde has arrived.  Now I am being pushed away and treated not so nice.  Then, I attempt to talk about the sudden change and the hurt and confusion I am feeling.  His response is to stare and not say anything and I mean not anything.  I talk more, he blames me for again receiving the same info and then leaves.  The push continues until I am ready to give up and then he starts pulling me in emotionally and there I go--back to believing in him, happiness and then repeat, repeat.  We now live apart but see each other daily.  There is so much emotional distancing now.  We are on the Mr. Hyde side at present.  I think he is trying to pull me back in again.  I am scared and don't know what to do.  If I say "no" when he asks me to do something--I've never done that.  What do you think? 

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here.

That's a long time! You must be an extremely strong and tolerant woman. Kudos to you!

You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone. Many of us have experienced the "switch" that you mention. One moment life could not be any better; and then within seconds, it's hard to imagine it being much worse. These boards helped me a lot in learning to deal with all of it.

Please tell us more about yourself, and your situation, as you get comfortable here. It will help us support you better.

The push/pull dynamic is something that most all, if not all, of us are very familiar with. It can be very hard. But, once you are better able to recognize it, you can start to change the dynamic. There are good resources here and assistance finding the resources.

What do you think is the right direction for you, and the best kind of help you hope to get here?

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[blownhead]

I just found your post.  Figuring out the computer is not one of my best traits.  I do appreciate your support.  I come from a traditional, old time, small German based culture.  In love and married for life.  We have six grown children.  Naive is how I would describe me.  Thought all of the emotional abuse, yo-yo-ing was normal married crap.  Alcoholism was very significant (active) for the first ten years of our marriage. It was HELL!  He quit without receiving any therapy; basically refused.  He has not relapsed into drinking alcohol.  The behaviors did not change, though, and after ten more years I was totally used up and empty;  I left the home.  To make a long story short I requested a divorce after he put our house in foreclosure and was to be auctioned off.  He never paid a bill while he was employed full time.  To the present, we are still emotionally involved; see each other daily.  Our family remains as a unit and we are all close.  BUT... .nothing has changed R/T his exaggerated behaviors.  We were on a three month bliss.  He said he knows how he pushes me away after he feels we are getting too close but he wasn't going to do that anymore.  Flick.  The switch-- he doesn't want me so close; he needs to be alone.  That last cycle nearly did me in.  For poops and giggles I went online and googled ':)r Jekyl, Mr Hyde' personality and there I read what was totally him and that directed me to the BPD family.  Wow, there was a name and it was a disorder.  My eyes were opened for the first time.  I have been studying BPD and I am presently reading 'Walking On Eggshells'.  Because I am pulling back and trying to learn, of coarse, now as history dictates, he is being so very nice to me and reeling me in.  I am trying to stay distant and accepting which means to me that we are never going to be in a normal, intimate relationship.  I have always been unrealistically, hopeful.  I am sad.  I have put way too much into this only to learn what I have learned.  Please, help me learn what to do and how to respond to keep me from going completely over the edge.

[Meili]

Keeping some distance can really help as you try to learn and figure out new techniques for dealing with the problems that come from BPD relationships. That doesn't mean intimacy should not occur. Of course, the intimacy that is there might be different from what was imagined.

There is a technique called Mindfulness that can help with his trying to pull you back in. The idea is utilize your Wisemind, the part of our thoughts that combines both emotional and logical responses to any given situation. The non can get caught up on the idealization, react emotionally to the showering of affection and let their guard down. This sets them up for disaster. Staying in the moment and thinking both emotionally and logically can prevent a great deal of the problems that would otherwise arise.

Learning to define and maintain Boundaries is also very useful and highly recommended. The boundaries are there for us to protect ourselves and our core values. They keep the pwBPD away from the parts of us that can be damaged; whether that means emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

[blownhead]

I wish I knew how to copy my first posts to this intro but high tech I am not.  I've basically been in a relationship with a Dr Jekyl/ Mr Hyde person.  In fact, that is how I learned about the BPD family when I googled r/t these two personalities.  I have watched live conferences and read books on this phenomenon.  I am pretty well convinced that my S.O. has a personality disorder.  The yo-yoing behavior persists as it has for the last 45 years.  To make a long story short, we are now in couples counseling. He is a Dr. in psychotherapy.  In my first and only individual session, I mentioned the BPD disorder.  He told me at our first couple therapy that he is pretty certain that my partner does not have BPD.  The psychologist had only an one hour individual session with him before he made this determination.  I have not brought it up since because who am I to dispute a Dr. of psychology?  I think we've attended about five sessions now but nothing has changed; still yo-yoing.  It's been a hell of a roller coaster ride but wouldn't you know it, the sweet, nice man reappeared yesterday after a long hiatus, and this afternoon is the counseling session.  My anger and frustration are, of course, gone now and I am so setting my emotions up for another terror attack and I know it.  But I can't help it.  It's the way I work.  Is anyone able to teach me as to how to help myself?  Sometimes I think my brains are going to blow up when the change back into the Mr. Hyde person occurs; the mental pain is horrific.  I have to be going now to my session.  I will look forward to any suggestions.  Thank you.