Lots of anger & frustration

[mcAnnie]

I've lived with my boyfriend for the last 5.5 years and in the last 2, it's been difficult ... .he has expressed anger & frustration that I never have seen in an adult. Arguments go from 1 to 100 in minutes from misunderstandings. He will yell, hit himself, cry uncontrollably in a fetal position in the bathroom or basement. He talks a lot & nothing I say is right-even when it's in agreement. A year ago, he believed that I had a form of social autism. I thought some traits were similar to what I had, but more relevant, the total opposite of what he had. That's when I found out about BPD. I listened to the walking on eggshells book & also have read the workbook. It's difficult to implement the workbook, as when it's the heat of the moment, it's hard to remember or follow. My boyfriend is ready to give up, but not? If I say, let's give up, I'm abandoning him. If he says it, it's like he wants me to say, "no stay". When I have said "stay", he tells me I'm playing with his emotions. When I tell him let's "break up" I'm abandoning him. He Jude's not only my words (which I'm not allowed to say very often), but my perceived tone of voice, inflection, facial expressions and hand movements. If I talk, I say the wrong thing... .he opens his eyes wide, gets a panic expression on his face, plugs his ears with his fingers, turns away and tells me to leave. I express to him that he needs counseling which he thinks I need counseling. I went to a therapist who advised me to leave him after the second visit. I fear more for him & his safety, yet he tells me that he wouldn't harm himself, yet he regrets his life. I'm totally lost in what to do. I love him & care for his health & safety. He has expressed that I am, from his perspective, cruel & simple. He's very angry & sad. I just don't know what to do next. Any thoughts or relation is much appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi McAnnie,  I'm sorry you are going through this. Living with someone with BPD can be so confusing and emotionally tiring. Implementing new techniques and communication skills can be very overwhelming at first, but don't beat yourself up if you don't get it right 100% of the time. Start with one thing and begin practicing. When you think you've been able to use that skill well, add another one to your language.

One of the things we say around here is Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. Although your boyfriend is responsible for his own behavior, us Nons are also responsible for our own. That means we have to look at how we also contribute (whether consciously or not) to some of the problems. The lessons on the right side of the page can really help you learn more about BPD, about your responses, and new ways to help you find a little relief in your relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi mcAnnie,



I'd like to join Tattered Heart and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I can understand how hard it is to deal with emotionally immature behavior.

Implementing new techniques and communication skills can be very overwhelming at first, but don't beat yourself up if you don't get it right 100% of the time.

I'd like to echo Tattered Heart, the tools may not always work all we do is try. Sometimes it's just best to leave the house and go run an errand, watch a movie, go for coffee with a friend and not subject ourself to anger and rage from a pwBPD.

My boyfriend is ready to give up, but not? If I say, let's give up, I'm abandoning him. If he says it, it's like he wants me to say, "no stay". When I have said "stay", he tells me I'm playing with his emotions. When I tell him let's "break up" I'm abandoning him.

At the center of the disorder is abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment, a narcisstic injury, a pwBPD anticipate that loved ones will abandon them, a pwBPD will push boundaries and test you if you're going to abandon. It's a fulfilled prophecy because it's destructive behavior in a r/s, that being said. There's a reason why you partner acts the way that he does, there's logic there, it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, that way it normalizes the mental illness and you'll come to understand that the behaviors are not personal to us, it's something that your partner is going through internally.

You'll see that you'll fit right in there, many of members can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

Do you have support from family and friends in real life? I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits