Controlling Mother with I believe to be BPD

[unknownidentity]

I live on the West coast with my parents. I am female, 28 years old. I was abroad for about five years before I decided to come back. I tried living with my mother for a few weeks here and there and it doesn't seem to work out for me. So last night, I told my mother I was going to New York for a job interview.

Her reaction: false dilemmas. She said the only way I could go was if I studied to get a Phd at Columbia. Then she said I should try to find a job in our city. (This was more reasonable.) But the problem was still the fact that I cannot control my own life. I have no say in what to do. She claims that I should have asked her if I could go to New York and of course I was defensive and immediately said that I didn't think I had to ask for her permission to do everything.

The last threat was for me to leave her forever, be disowned, if I wanted to go to New York. I was really tempted to especially when she pulled me to the front door. I would have gone if she had not told me to take the jacket and shoes off because she bought them.

I guess, I'm just trying to deal with my own identity right now and trying to make thinks right. But she acts like I don't exist anymore and I just want to run away.

So now it's awkward and I'm just in my room and my mom is washing dishes. We haven't even spoken to each other this whole day. Should I reach out to her? Should I make the first move? Or should I just do nothing and let this awkward silence continue to linger? (I booked a ticket to leave in a few days.)

[Mutt]

Hi, 



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how frustrating and distressing that would feel. Mothers with BPD traits don't know where they end and their child begins, a child is an extension of  themselves.

I was defensive and immediately said that I didn't think I had to ask for her permission to do everything.

Agreed. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. I can also see how you probably have feelings of guilt triggered by your mom, it's also called FOG fear, obligation and guilt. You're not responsible for someone else's feelings. We can control two things, our thoughts and feelings we can't control someone else.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

You know your mom best out of anyone on this board, how long does she usually carry on like this for? If it were me, i'd consider talking to her after a day or two to give her time to return to her baseline, it's going to be a mute point if you try to approach her otherwise.

[Kwamina]

Hi unknownidentity

Mutt has given you some great advice and I would like to join him in welcoming you here

I am sorry though that your mother is treating you this way. It is very unpleasant that she tries to control your every move and threatens you. If she indeed has BPD or some other personality disorder, her behavior is a result of her distorted thinking and perception. If you were to decide to talk to her, there are certain communication techniques that can be helpful:

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

These structured ways of communicating help minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict and drama and help maximize the likelihood of getting through to the other person. Following these structured communication patterns, can also help us stay more calm ourselves.

You mention living with your parents. You only mention your mom though but is your dad also living there? If he is, how does he view your mother's behavior?

You are dealing with a difficult situation and I'm glad you are reaching out for support here. Take care

The Board Parrot