This is going to be harder than I thought

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Been NC with my uBPDxg for a month tomorrow.  We were together a year.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, she is literally living in the flat opposite only metres away in the stair.  I've been doing ok, I've not had any unbearable emotions since breaking up with her.  I know she's got a rebound but I'm making peace with that in my head.  I've hardly seen her since breaking up and haven't heard her voice.  She's not made any attempts to contact me either and I know she's splitting me black to her friends.

I've literally just come in from the shops a few minutes ago and on coming up the stairs to unlock my flat door I could hear her in her flat (it's a new flat and the walls are pretty thin).  There she was, music on having a laugh with her flatmate, playing with her puppy as if she didn't have a care in the world.  She sounded happy.

I thought this wouldn't affect me but I've got to be honest it's knocked me back on my ass a bit. I've spent a lot of time on here and elsewhere reading about BPD and have learnt loads.  But she sounded so normal and lucid as if there was nothing wrong with her at all.  It's completely filled me up with self-doubt again.  99.99% textbook high functioning BPD Waif and I still doubt myself because I've just been exposed to her indirectly again.

Why did I get involved with a neighbour?

[Wu-tang]

Been NC with my uBPDxg for a month tomorrow.  We were together a year.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, she is literally living in the flat opposite only metres away in the stair.  I've been doing ok, I've not had any unbearable emotions since breaking up with her.  I know she's got a rebound but I'm making peace with that in my head.  I've hardly seen her since breaking up and haven't heard her voice.  She's not made any attempts to contact me either and I know she's splitting me black to her friends.

I've literally just come in from the shops a few minutes ago and on coming up the stairs to unlock my flat door I could hear her in her flat (it's a new flat and the walls are pretty thin).  There she was, music on having a laugh with her flatmate, playing with her puppy as if she didn't have a care in the world.  She sounded happy.

I thought this wouldn't affect me but I've got to be honest it's knocked me back on my ass a bit. I've spent a lot of time on here and elsewhere reading about BPD and have learnt loads.  But she sounded so normal and lucid as if there was nothing wrong with her at all.  It's completely filled me up with self-doubt again.  99.99% textbook high functioning BPD Waif and I still doubt myself because I've just been exposed to her indirectly again.

Why did I get involved with a neighbour?

[hashtag_loyal]

She sounded happy.

Does this bother you, somehow?

[Wu-tang]

It bothers me because I feel I'm left here picking up the pieces and she hasn't got a care in the world.  Despite the pain she's caused she's moved on to the next.  I know it's not as simple as that but it's left my head spinning.

[C.Stein]

It's not fair, simple as that.  I am sure mine is doing the same as yours ... .going on like she didn't lose anything when our relationship ended.    This fact has been a constant struggle for me, accepting that her feelings for me didn't go anywhere near as deep as mine did for her.  It has been one of the hardest aspects of being discarded for me to come to terms with. 

[Wu-tang]

It's not fair, simple as that.  I am sure mine is doing the same as yours ... .going on like she didn't lose anything when our relationship ended.    This fact has been a constant struggle for me, accepting that her feelings for me didn't go anywhere near as deep as mine did for her.  It has been one of the hardest aspects of being discarded for me to come to terms with. 

I absolutely agree, it's so hurtful to think you had something special.  Then to find out that no matter how much you bent over backwards it was never going to be pretty.  It was 'funny' just before I went to the shops I was looking for a hat to wear as it's chucking it down outside and found one she bought for me which immediately made me feel sad and I wanted to help her understand she had BPD (as futile as that would be) but on hearing her I feel mad.

I suppose we just have to look at the bigger picture and realise there is more at play than what appears on the surface and that, unless checked, the cycle will continue indefinitely.

[hashtag_loyal]

It bothers me because I feel I'm left here picking up the pieces and she hasn't got a care in the world.  Despite the pain she's caused she's moved on to the next.  I know it's not as simple as that but it's left my head spinning.

Yes, well if she is pwBPD, she may sound happy, but trust me she is not.

It's perfectly natural to feel angry; that's part of the process of healing. I know it is hard right now, but it will get better. In time you will be glad that you were left picking up the pieces because at least you were the one who had pieces to pick up.

[Mutt]

It was 'funny' just before I went to the shops I was looking for a hat to wear as it's chucking it down outside and found one she bought for me which immediately made me feel sad and I wanted to help her understand she had BPD (as futile as that would be) but on hearing her I feel mad.

Hi Wu-tang100,

I can see how that would hurt to hear her having a laugh, it has to be hard that she's only meters over the stairs. I think that the pain can hurt us to the core. At the onset of the relationship with a pwBPD it can feel like a dream come true, this is it, this is the one, I think that what can be difficult when we have suffered loss is that we have also lost a dream. I can see how we would feel angry, do you feel like you lost your future hopes and dreams?

[Wu-tang]

It was 'funny' just before I went to the shops I was looking for a hat to wear as it's chucking it down outside and found one she bought for me which immediately made me feel sad and I wanted to help her understand she had BPD (as futile as that would be) but on hearing her I feel mad.

At the onset of the relationship with a pwBPD it can feel like a dream come true, this is it, this is the one, I think that what can be difficult when we have suffered loss is that we have also lost a dream. I can see how we would feel angry, do you feel like you lost your future hopes and dreams?

Mutt you hit the nail right on the head.  I did feel at the start that I'd potentially found the right one and that I'd never experienced this level of connection before.  I did more travelling with her than I had ever done and I felt she awoke something in me.  Now that she's gone I'm stunned.

I'm starting to realise that there are issues within myself I'll need to address which have become highlighted through this relationship.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm not going to be able to meet someone for a while.  This is purely self-confidence.  I have my own flat, good job and friends but inside doesn't reflect that.  That's probably why when I found my ex I thought "I've made it".

[JohnLove]

I'm starting to realise that there are issues within myself I'll need to address which have become highlighted through this relationship.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm not going to be able to meet someone for a while.  This is purely self-confidence.  I have my own flat, good job and friends but inside doesn't reflect that.  That's probably why when I found my ex I thought "I've made it".

Nice realisation, Mr. Wu-tang. Know that none of this is easy... .but it's only as hard as you make it. Be happy for her "happiness"... .but focus primarily on yours.

[butterfly15]

It bothers me because I feel I'm left here picking up the pieces and she hasn't got a care in the world.  Despite the pain she's caused she's moved on to the next.  I know it's not as simple as that but it's left my head spinning.

I'm struggling with this as well. I haven't seen or heard from mine but know how "happy" he is with his new "prey". I am left to make sense of this mess to move on with my life that is currently shattered into pieces.

[Michelle27]

Mine is super happy too from what others who have spoken to him have said (we are NC for over 5 months now aside from exchanging one email back in early August).  I'm not hurt that he's happy without me (and has moved on with someone else within weeks of the end of the marriage) but I'm horrified that he seems to have written off our 11 year old daughter too.  He changed his phone number getting a new provider (and leaving me with his contract on the old one to pay) in August, hasn't paid a cent in child support in 5 months and hasn't given his new phone number to either me or our daughter.  And he's lying to others about being in touch with her.  He spent a total of 5.5 hours with her on 2 visits since July 2nd and that's it.  I accepted a year ago that I have healing to do and have been working on that for a long time, but I'm having trouble accepting the full weight of our daughter's healing on my shoulders alone.  She's doing well, including starting a class for kids called Children Who Witness Abuse through our local transition house, but it's just so unfair that he can go on with his life like she doesn't exist.  That hurts more than learning about all the lies and infidelities I now know about. And to add insult to injury, painting me black to people as the one who abused him and worse, telling people that I am keeping his daughter from him.  Grr.