Hi WalkingInRain;
It makes sense that however this relationship turns out (repair, parting ways, etc), you'd want to find tools and skills to navigate the next few months in the most effective way possible. That's definitely why the "Bettering" board is here.
I'm right now trying to find a way forward with a set of extreme anxiety mixed together with her going pretty silent / non-responsive at times. We are currently living apart as we took a big break up earlier this year.
Is that your anxiety, or hers?
Some days the old her will shine through, but most days she sits in her apartment and basically hides from the world with her anxiety. She is still managing to get out with friends now and then. I've been trying to support her and encourage her to work out more (on her good days she partly lives in the gym), and that I am here to listen and talk. But she doesn't really open up. And basically lies that she is "okay" even when I know after all these years when she's really not.
If you were to break down the subject matter of your communications with her, what % would you give to each of the following:
-her issues
-the relationship
-encouraging/supporting her
-logistics (finances, housing, etc)
-neutral low key no-investment topics (cute pictures, positive news stories, etc)
-other (let me know if I missed guessing the most common topics)
Gut feeling is it's actually making sense to me that she's withdrawing/minimizing in relationship to your encouragement/support. It might be too emotionally intense for her at the moment, and rather than lash out at you to get you to stop poking emotional stuff (acting out), or communicating directly (high skill approach), she pulls away and shuts down (low skill but not acting out at you).
You know her best -- but it's a thought to consider, that you being positive and encouraging might be either too intense or too invalidating for her at this point in time.
I know that at the end the day, getting better is both on her and up to her. I can't control that. I can't make it happen. But I would welcome ideas on how I might be able to support her in this time left. How to talk to perhaps lower her anxiety or create a chance for something better to bloom again.
While I'm not sure you are fundamentally in control of the levers to pull to lower her anxiety, it's still true that we can inadvertently make things worse out of our best intentions.
I wonder if you might see a difference if instead of focusing on encouraging her to get better/improve herself, you shifted focus slightly onto:
having neutral-to-positive interactions about "no strings attached" content (i.e., not about "our dog" but about "look at this other cute dog story")
Basically, instead of
talking about the relationship/talking about the issues,
doing the relating differently for a while -- taking the pressure off.
Again, I'm not the expert on her or on you -- I'm sitting behind a computer screen far away. I'd be interested, though, if any of that seems relevant to you.
