We broke up she moved out, but still wants to be on a break rather than breakup

[stevemcduck]

Hi Guys

I met this wonderful girl 5 years ago, 1 year long distance relationship and 4 years living together. i was 38 she was 20 when we met. for 4 years straight everything was perfect, soul mate stuff, electrifying sex, intense bonding and loving caring affection. in the last year of our relationship she seemed distant, I was struggling with work and she I believe was struggling with body dysmorphia. I caught her lying about something (not cheating) and confronted her, she broke up with me as she said one day I will abandon her for it. after 1 week we got back together but when I came back she was acting different and more distant than ever. when I confronted about this she said I was being sensitive and basically gaslighting me. we broke up again. she was living in my house and I let her stay there for a few weeks until she found somewhere else. I went round during this time to collect a package and I went in to see her but he said she didn't want to talk and felt uncomfortable around me, I asked why and I couldn't understand at the time. it was really heartbreaking. she left and now live 7 hours car ride away from me. she said he wants to tay in touch and we are only on a break. we texted every day for about a month but she was cold and inconsistent with her responses. however each time ive asked her if she wants to stop contact she has said no we can still talk. we also facetime sometimes and seems upset I painted room rooms in the house as she said she may come back. she seems to want to be with me from a distance but no longer says nice things, initiates contact or makes me feel valued or wanted. I went to visit her and stayed in a hotel which she told me in advance she didn't want to stay with me overnight. we went for dinner and all seemed ok until I said I was sad living in our home without her, she started crying and just said she wanted to go home and left. I was sad as id made such an effort to see her and she just ran on me during dinner. we are still talking on text if it didn't happen and may meet today, im in the hotel right now. I don't know what to do I feel in limbo and we are so far apart. I love her so much and I want her back but im not sure how to react or say the right thing to get her back fully. she seems to not like me anymore yet doesn't want me to go. I love her deeply and unconditionally, however I am so depressed, confused, and im starting to have panic attacked when I try to sleep and I can focus on anything, im in therapy, my therapist told me its most likely bpd that she has (he is an expert in bpd partner breakup recovery)  but she doesn't know it either I don't think and she seems reluctant to get therapy. I have researched a lot about bpd and she does show an alarming amount of the traits. can anyone offer any advice of how to navigate this

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[losthope1234]

Hi,

Your story is very similar to a situation i went through. Back then he was my bf (now we are married) and it was pretty long term by then, 7years i think. Things triggered when i went to another state for higher education. He didn't oppose it outright ( and i didn't have any clue about BPD and abandonment issues) but he started to behave exactly like you are describing - distant, yet refusing to give up when asked.  This was followed by whirlwind of incidents, he cheated on me, dumped me, i tried and tried to fix everything, my mental health damaged, finally stopped, he came back blah blah.

Back then i didn't at all handle the situation properly. But now, looking back, i know what I should do differently.

The whole thing started off because he felt abandoned when i went to another state. For your case, i think her extreme abandonment kicked in when you caught her cheating.

1stly, the fact that i continued to send him texts regularly, had given him the assurance that i am still there and he can return whenever he wants. With this assurance, he tried to look for other options, such that if this fails, he has that, thinking that either way, he doesn't have to be abandoned. I don't think this is okay - to leave someone hanging like this. Since you have a good therapist, you can work with him and define a good boundary as to what your expectations are out of this relationship and what exactly she wants. At this point i am sure she is also confused, not totally willing to let u go because then she will be lonely, and not sure of you totally so she might be keeping her options open. But she has to decide. Work on a boundary with your therapist and try to assert it. She either has to be in the relationship, for that she has to do so and so, or even if she is rethinking and needs, say, one month off, even that has to be clearly defined. If she wants to continue, she has to come out clear as to what is bothering her, is there anyy  change she is looking for in the relationship? if that is reasonable, that can be accommodated. what are your needs? assert those.