Have you experienced something similar…?

[Pena]

The last three yrs, I have been in an on-and-of relationship with a man, who I deeply believe, suffers from high functioning bpd. We are both middleaged and I guess I therefor consider the situation to be even more chaotic… meaning I/we should know better. He recently broke up with me for the 6th time! And how crazy it may sounds, I still think about being reunited with him! When things are good they truly are, WE are good! Then he, like out of the blue, becomes doubtful about us, about our relationship.It always starts with him zooming out, splitting I suppose. His mood swings are fast and the impulsivity is always present. In between he is the most loving person and, despite him leaving me over and over, I still can’t seem to be objectiv… the fact that this dynamic won’t change?. He avoids medical help, mainly because of health anxiety, but also doesn’t trust therapists etc. I am stumbling in the dark and need support/advice to move on…Please share if you’ve been through something simular…

[Pena]

The last three yrs, I have been in an on-and-of relationship with a man, who I deeply believe, suffers from high functioning bpd. We are both middleaged and I guess I therefor consider the situation to be even more chaotic… meaning I/we should know better. He recently broke up with me for the 6th time! And how crazy it may sounds, I still think about being reunited with him! When things are good they truly are, WE are good! Then he, like out of the blue, becomes doubtful about us, about our relationship.It always starts with him zooming out, splitting I suppose. His mood swings are fast and the impulsivity is always present. In between he is the most loving person and, despite him leaving me over and over, I still can’t seem to be objectiv… the fact that this dynamic won’t change?. He avoids medical help, mainly because of health anxiety, but also doesn’t trust therapists etc. I am stumbling in the dark and need support/advice to move on…Please share if you’ve been through something similar…

[TelHill]

Hello Pena,

I was in a long term marriage to a man (now ex) who had almost all the listed BPD symptoms.  We had many extreme lows with bits of normalcy during the marriage. I wanted to leave him many times but didn’t. It was painful and scary to think about.

I got used to the drama he caused and started to crave it. I started yelling and screaming to make him obey.  I wanted to control him to bring peace and happiness to my life.

You may want to examine your motives about why you return to a disordered person.  Is it the fear of not having a partner and being middle aged compounds this fear? Is it you grew up in a chaotic household and this behavior feels comfortable? Do you think you have to fix him? Are you hooked on the drama he creates?

Has this relationship been mostly about him, the chaos he causes and his needs?

[I Am Redeemed]

I understand the pull towards someone who is unhealthy. I'm middle aged as well, I grew up in a chaotic household that was unpredictable, without much emotional support, so unhealthy feels familiar to me.

What kind of support system do you have for yourself?

I'm in a situation now where continuing the relationship is actually harming me, so I have to do something different this time. It's hard to think about letting go, even so.

How are you feeling today?

[PeteWitsend]

The last three yrs, I have been in an on-and-of relationship with a man, who I deeply believe, suffers from high functioning bpd. We are both middleaged and I guess I therefor consider the situation to be even more chaotic… meaning I/we should know better. He recently broke up with me for the 6th time! And how crazy it may sounds, I still think about being reunited with him! When things are good they truly are, WE are good! Then he, like out of the blue, becomes doubtful about us, about our relationship.It always starts with him zooming out, splitting I suppose. His mood swings are fast and the impulsivity is always present. In between he is the most loving person and, despite him leaving me over and over, I still can’t seem to be objectiv… the fact that this dynamic won’t change?. He avoids medical help, mainly because of health anxiety, but also doesn’t trust therapists etc. I am stumbling in the dark and need support/advice to move on…Please share if you’ve been through something simular…

I don't know if there are any published statistics out there on successful treatment for BPD, but I remember someone saying to me when I first learned about it "it ain't pretty."

I think you have to put away actions and thoughts based on the hope that the person will get treatment or change, and focus on the behavior you experience, don't like and want to stop.  And if they don't stop that behavior, you have to decide what you're going to do about it.

One thing I've had to learn is that if you are making excuses for the other's behavior, you have weak boundaries.  Link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

There's no right time and wrong time to maintain them.  You have to apply them objectively and that's how you establish how you want to be treated and what you won't tolerate.