I hope I'm not spamming too much, writing things down helps me (typing in this case). I want others in that weird emotional landscape to just hope and strive to something better. I hope that my story can inspire others to do the same.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your feelings and getting it out on the computer screen- the process is cathartic in itself and it's how most of us ended up here. And I personally believe that it helps accelerate the healing process as well since we're being honest with out emotions and struggles.
I also agree with you that your ex has a different realty than you. We're all unique but share so many commonalities as well. When we meet someone who thinks in completely different way, it's easy to think "they're wrong and we're right." That's usually not the case though, different just means different and that's okay.
I'm sorry you're still hurting at times and looking back at the past. I have moments as well three years later. Time really does heal all though and those feelings will pass with time. If you can, just stop searching for the "why" and accept that the best answer will almost always be 'mental illness'. There's just not a deeper motivation behind it. Even if we could go back in time and realize the math problem from earlier = banana, there'd be a new solution to find the following day.
Why? Mental illness and disordered thinking, it's the great wild card in all of this and there's nothing we can do to change it.
