DV Therapy

[Anonymous22]

My uBPDh has to partake in court mandated DV therapy, on top of his weekly DBT therapy.  Since starting his DV therapy, I have noticed a large shift in him, namely, he seems more angry than prior to starting this therapy, which has shifted his cycles.  It has only been about 3 weeks, so I am still trying to get used to the shift in his cycles.  For example, starting last Thursday, he refused to be anywhere close to me moving seats away from our family when at our son's school performance, etc; his texts to me are extremely rude with the underlying tone that he doesn't have time for communicating with me (even though my questions to him have to do with our kids the majority of the time);  he asked me to "please stop" when I sent my usual "good night" text as I don't like going to bed without saying good night (we are currently living separately while he goes through his DV therapy) so I stopped, but he is now, starting yesterday, sending "Good morning, Love you" texts to me, my daughter and my stepdaughter every morning, which is coming out of nowhere and it is very strange as my stepdaughter was with him this morning so I am sure was sitting right next to him on the way to school when this was sent.  Does anyone here have any experience with a loved one in DV therapy.  I have done some research and it sounds like the requirements for "graduation" are great, but I'm not sure that I believe that one could make such drastic changes in a relatively short amount of time, 6 months to a year is what I have read is the general time frame.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Anonymous22 ,

I have read some of your past messages. It seems like things have gotten worse, and now you are separated, right?

I think that living separately gives you the best opportunity to work out your conflict. By using boundaries to prevent yourself from reacting, you must try to make your conversations positive, and then hopefully you'll be able to have useful interactions (in which he is not dysregulated).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like in your post you were taking the "I love you" as a possible sign of being cured of his anger? Wasn't that being said frequently when you both lived together? It should.

Please keep in mind that if he has BPD or any other personality disorder, the DV therapy won't fix that. This therapy is only intended to make them reflect on their actions and hopefully feel guilty and accountable. It's just trying to make them see and rethink what they did and how that affects their relationships. But if his pattern comes from a personality disorder, it won't change so easily. There are many subtle ways of being abusive that do not get him in trouble with the law.

If you remain separated, I hope you can gradually resolve all of your conflicts before attempting to live together again.

[Mutt]

Hi Anonymous22,  

Three weeks is very early, especially when the program isn't a choice. Looking at your own behavior can stir the pot before anything settles. It's common to see more edge or some pulling away during this phase.

A bit of irritability or distance may show up before things calm down.  What you're describing-stepping back in person, sharper messages, then a sudden "good morning, love you"-sounds less like steady change and more like mixed signals.

Real shifts tend to feel even over time. They show up as consistent patterns rather than ups and downs.  Living apart might actually make it easier to see the bigger picture. Instead of reacting to one text, you could watch the pattern over a few weeks. Maybe ask yourself:

~ Is there more ownership for past and present actions?

~ Is the tone becoming steady and respectful?

~ Are your boundaries being kept without pushback?  

These programs often run six months or more, which is why three weeks doesn't give you much to go on yet. It's still the starting line.  

For now, your steadiness matters most. How are you holding up through all of this?

[Anonymous22]

Hi, thanks for checking in.  Its now been about 4 months with my uBPDh being in both DBT therapy and mandated group DV therapy.  Over the last couple of months, his usual cycle has shifted several times and his switches have been more spontaneous than before and probably longer blah periods in between good periods, but the blah periods are pretty much just that, blah, where he ignores me, asks when the kids can stay over at "his" house (one of our rental properties where he is currently living until the DV therapy is finished and the protection order is done, even though he is allowed by the protection order to stay at our house) and makes snide remarks when he doesn't get his way or is in a mood.  There have only been a handful of times where he has gone farther than that in those 4 months, yelling, full on accusation mode, etc, which used to happen every couple of days.   In all honesty, he seems very depressed and checked out on everything to me.  Its like he wants to be a part of his kids life, but can't sustain it even when he is physically present.  For example, he will go to our D5's gymnastics class, but after showing her that he is there, he leaves and goes and walks on the track (in the same building)...but would freak if I took her to gymnastics at a time that he could not be there; he says he wants to be around the kids but chooses going to the gym, walking on the treadmill in our basement, etc over spending time with them when it comes to reality; and its like he has checked out on actual parenting...refuses to take the kids to sports, put the kids to bed, make the kids dinner, etc...told me he doesn't want to be my "errand boy" when the "errand" is taking our S7 to basketball practice! ; and same for house projects, we make a plan when he is in a good mood, I follow what we had decided and he "can't remember" even making that plan.  There are times when the kids will talk to him and he has no idea, its like he is there physically, but not there is no comprehension of what is being said to him.  While he used to mention every once and a while small things about therapy, outside of saying he needs to leave at a certain hour because he has a group session, is all he has said for some time.  I know that he had to have a mental health evaluation, but the results of that were never mentioned to me, and since I don't feel like that is my place, I haven't asked him.  While I would like to be supportive, I feel like sharing his diagnosis would make him feel like a failure.
For me, honestly, I am struggling!  Essentially being a single mom to 4 extremely active (For example this weekend, I have 2 kid birthday parties to go to, 1 soccer game, 5 basketball games, taking my oldest to and from work, celebrating my sister's birthday, a middle school dance and attending a college basketball game as a celebration for one of my kids...on top of regular life) kids, work and my H, I am honestly at my breaking point!  I have set very firm boundaries on making sure that the kids and I continue forward in a positive direction every day despite my H's mood.  It has been very hard, but I try very hard to be happy despite all that I have going on, and while I know it sets him off a lot when he sees that I am happy even when he is freaking out, not getting on his rollercoaster (or getting on for a more limited amount of time) he has slowly started to adjust but I do think that this is his biggest issue right now...but I don't care as my kids deserve a happy mom and I deserve to be happy.  I have finally set up daycare coverage for the kids so that I am able to work and not have to worry and thankfully he is finally being respectful of this...he used to do everything he could to make it so I couldn't work or sabotage the babysitter (but then tell me that I needed to pay for everything!) but he is respecting my boundaries on this recently.  I have also set firm boundaries on the fact that I will not get into an argument with him.  The second he starts in, I tell him that I am sorry he feels this way but that I will not continue forward with this conversation and I remove myself...which he is finally respecting.  So, while things are not great, writing this down has shown me that there has actually been some progress forward, even though it seems so slow! 
I think the hardest part for me is never really knowing what is going to happen each day...and having to plan for it all!  I know that he has lots of stress going on that depending on his mood if he will fill me in on those items or not, so I try to give space, let him know that I love him (even when he has split), try to be there for him and then try to continue forward with the kids.  I assume that he has awhile still in DV therapy and hopefully DBT therapy.     

[Mutt]

Hi Anonymous22, 

As I sit with what you wrote, two things seem true at the same time.

On one side, it sounds hard. He feels distant, uneven, and not very engaged. Carrying that every day is a lot. 

At the same time, the worst of the storm seems to have eased a bit. Fewer eruptions. A little more room when you pull back. Less second-guessing around childcare. Those shifts are small, but they still matter. 

Sometimes when someone is pressed to look at their behavior, the volume drops before anything healthier appears. It isn't proof of change, but it can hint that the pattern is moving, even if only a little. 

What stands out most to me, though, is you. Your boundaries are clearer. You're protecting your work. You're steady for your kids. You're not getting pulled into arguments. That's real movement on your end. 

It also makes sense that the unevenness wears you down. "Quieter" can still mean you're waiting for the next swing, and that takes a toll. 

With all of that in mind, what would feel manageable right now-not perfect, just doable? Maybe a set time to check in, a basic plan for kid handoffs, or one simple rule you can hold to even on the tough days.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Anonymous22,

Nice to know he is also in DBT. Sorry if I missed that. But yet this will take long. If you are lucky, in one year you'll see great progress. But it could take 10 years.

Your last post made me think that he might have ADHD, which could explain his aloofness with the kids and forgetfulness of your plans. Did he struggle in school as a kid? Maybe if you research deeper on the symptoms, you can build up your opinion on this diagnostic possibility. Unlike BPD, the ADHD treatment (pharmacological) is very quick. Stimulants are effective in half an hour, and non-stimulants in 3 weeks.