Hi Bella
Thank you so much for replying. Yes he is in therapy, has been since I found out. So have I.
It's great that you're both getting professional help. I know from my own experience that this takes a lot of courage.
He is a changed person, its like he looked behind himself for the first time and saw who he was. The therapist is excellent & says he has years of therapy to go through.
I imagine that it feel very frightening to confront the reality of his condition. There is no short term fix for treating a personality disorder but there are some very good therapies around that can really help. It's great that he's found a good therapist. [/quote]
From feeling suicidal I now feel I have to make pragmatic decisions for my daughters and I.
I'm really sorry that you've been feeling so low - I know how challenging it can be to live with someone suffering from a disorder and infidelity can be particularly traumatic. I think it's reasonable and mature to prioritise you and your daughters needs. Has your therapist offered any guidance on how you might proceed?
I think he behaves manically when he was on trips abroad for work - trying to fit in and seeking attention. Paradoxically the therapist thinks a lot of his behaviour comes from bring away from me, feeling abandoned. I just can't relate to this at all, the attention seeking and selfishness has shocked me. Everyone thinks he is 'such a nice guy'. Does anyone else deal with manic behaviour? It was so lovely to get a reply
My exes therapist also identified a fear of abandonment. I know this can feel very contradictory because someone suffering from a personality disorder can appear to be the one doing the abandoning. There are reasons for this behaviour
The theory is that those suffering from BPD struggle with object constancy - the ability to maintain a stable internal image of a loved one. This is normally a skill that we learn in early childhood when an infant understands that even when his mother is not physically present she has not abandoned him and still loves him. We learn to create a stable internal image of a loved one that helps us maintain our connection and feel loved.
I think your husband's therapist is suggesting when he's is away he he struggles to do this and feels abandoned... .So he reaches out to to others to try and fill this void.
Someone suffering from a personality disorder typically has such deep feelings of shame and worthlessness that they are convinced that they will be abandoned / rejected by their partners. So to try and control or avoid this they do the abandoning first.
Their dysfunctional behaviour is triggered by intimacy and hidden from others who often have no real idea of what's actually going on underneath the facade. This was my experience and yes my ex has episodes of mania - not severe but still very upsetting.
Prioritising your own self care is really important so it's great that you're seeing a therapist too.
Keep posting
We're here for you
Reforming