What does “detaching” actually look like for you right now?

[Mutt]

When I first got here, detaching sounded very clean and absolute, almost binary. In my experience, it often feels more complicated than that, especially when emotions, history, and real-life constraints are involved.

I’m curious how others are experiencing detaching right now.
   •   How does it show up for you at this point?
   •   Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?
   •   What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far?

[Alex V]

Hardest part for me is realizing I love her, but hate her behaviour. We are getting seperated right now, but still I feel sorry for her. Was she my extra child I took care of?

[Pook075]

For me, I met my BPD ex in college and was married to her up until age 49.  So I don't know what "detaching" is supposed to look like with someone you've spent +50% of your life with.

Do I hate what she did?  Yes. 

Do I hate her?  No. 

Am I over the relationship?  100%. 

Do I know what to do with decades of mainly good memories raising the kids, family vacations, Christmas, etc?  Nope...I am clueless how to "let that go" or if I even should.

Over 50% of my identity was driven by living life and maturing with my ex.  I can't just erase that or pretend like it didn't happen.  And I realize it's so much easier to just hate someone, to see the absolute worst and say good riddance, but that's not who I am as a person.

How does it show up- usually late at night when I'm still and trying to clear my mind to sleep.  I'll reminisce a bit and then catch myself, and have to push those thoughts away.  Mainly, it's wondering how she could do what she did and how she can live with it now.

Does it feel steady, stop-start, or something else?- Its random and it's not every day or even every week.  It just sort of shows up from time to time and I'll struggle for an hour or two.

What part of it has been hardest to sit with so far? - I still grieve the loss of my family of four being torn apart, all the lies that came afterwards, all the manipulation of in-laws and others to cover up the fact my ex was having an affair.  These are religious people and my ex was more afraid of what they'd think of her than what it said for her personal faith.  I mean, you can't lie to God, so what's there to gain by deceiving everyone you know?  That sort of eats at me.

[Rowdy]

To be honest exactly the same as Pook.

My ex was my best friends sisters best friend, so I’ve known her most of my life. I was with her from the age of 21 until I was 48. My kids are similar in age to Pooks as well, 22 and 26 but both boys. Everything Pook says I can relate in exactly the same way apart from the religious part as I, my ex and family are not religious.

It was a little difficult earlier. My eldest came round to look in the loft for useful things for the birth of his child in a few months.
He brought down several boxes of photographs and we sat looking through them. My ex was 19 and I was 23 when we had him and there were many photos of us together as a family when he was a baby, which made me both happy and sad looking through them.