My HwuBPD escalated, making me wonder if danger is on the horizon.

[JazzSinger]

Yesterday, my H swatted my phone out of my hand.  I was taking a picture of him wearing  a T-shirt with a  a polarizing message. 

He feared I would  use it to blackmail him, by sending it to his friends, which I would never do. I took it to remind myself of who he really is.

I wonder if this means he could escalate to hitting me? He’s never done it, in 22 years of marriage. But I know I can’t rule it out. 

I realize I can’t throw him out, not just because I’d take a big financial hit, but also because he has rights. He’s on the propriety lease. He’s on the deed. Apart from that, where I live, everything is marital property. Unless he hits me and I press charges, I can’t force him out. I’m not leaving, because I have nowhere to go, and I love my home. I’m nearly 80 years old — I’m not looking to change my surroundings at this stage in my life. 

I feel stuck. 

But…

I’m detached, at all times. When his outbursts feel like he’s making me a punching bag, I leave the room. I have an enjoyable life when I’m away from him.  He’s not criticizing and digging into me as much as he used to. Now, I  can actually experience joy and peace at home, even though he almost never leaves the house.  I found ways to block him out. I’ve come a long way. 

I guess I’m just venting, but…

Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Thanks.  I needed to vent. 
Jazz

[Pook075]

Hi Jazz!

I've swatted at a few phones in my day when someone was trying to take a photo I didn't like.  But I never tried to break anyone's phone either or actually hurt them.  I guess it would depend on your husband's motives and how we was feeling/acting right after that happened.

Maybe the best possible lesson here is not to take photos of your husband since it could be a trigger for him.  I know that sounds silly, but it's a minor concession to living in peace.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi JazzSinger,

When you say you took the picture to remind yourself of who he really is, it seems like you really didn't like his polarized t-shirt, right? That was understood as criticism. More than that, the action of taking a picture was assumed to be a combative action (in a way, it was). In this situation in which he feels judged and "attacked," he will tend to have quick negative interpretations, and he did the simplest one, that you would use that picture against him.

[Notwendy]

Hi Jazz, I don't think there's a solid case for him being violent or potentially violent.

I think he could sense your contempt for the shirt and for him. Taking the photo to remind you of who he is could be seen as crossing a boundary. It's his body and his shirt, and even if it's got a message that you think is obnoxious- he still can choose to wear what he wants.

One could say his motive was to stop the picture, not to hurt you. That he swatted it- yes but possibly he was trying to stop you from taking the picture, tried to grab it or just push it away.

Even though you are entitled to your feelings, you have chosen to stay and live with him. I think it will make things easier on you if you "pick your battles". This isn't for him but for your own peace, wherever it's possible.