My HwuBPD escalated, making me wonder if danger is on the horizon.

[JazzSinger]

Yesterday, my H swatted my phone out of my hand.  I was taking a picture of him wearing  a T-shirt with a  a polarizing message. 

He feared I would  use it to blackmail him, by sending it to his friends, which I would never do. I took it to remind myself of who he really is.

I wonder if this means he could escalate to hitting me? He’s never done it, in 22 years of marriage. But I know I can’t rule it out. 

I realize I can’t throw him out, not just because I’d take a big financial hit, but also because he has rights. He’s on the propriety lease. He’s on the deed. Apart from that, where I live, everything is marital property. Unless he hits me and I press charges, I can’t force him out. I’m not leaving, because I have nowhere to go, and I love my home. I’m nearly 80 years old — I’m not looking to change my surroundings at this stage in my life. 

I feel stuck. 

But…

I’m detached, at all times. When his outbursts feel like he’s making me a punching bag, I leave the room. I have an enjoyable life when I’m away from him.  He’s not criticizing and digging into me as much as he used to. Now, I  can actually experience joy and peace at home, even though he almost never leaves the house.  I found ways to block him out. I’ve come a long way. 

I guess I’m just venting, but…

Is swatting the phone out of my hand a sign that he could hit me?  I’m not sure. 

Thanks.  I needed to vent. 
Jazz

[Pook075]

Hi Jazz!

I've swatted at a few phones in my day when someone was trying to take a photo I didn't like.  But I never tried to break anyone's phone either or actually hurt them.  I guess it would depend on your husband's motives and how we was feeling/acting right after that happened.

Maybe the best possible lesson here is not to take photos of your husband since it could be a trigger for him.  I know that sounds silly, but it's a minor concession to living in peace.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi JazzSinger,

When you say you took the picture to remind yourself of who he really is, it seems like you really didn't like his polarized t-shirt, right? That was understood as criticism. More than that, the action of taking a picture was assumed to be a combative action (in a way, it was). In this situation in which he feels judged and "attacked," he will tend to have quick negative interpretations, and he did the simplest one, that you would use that picture against him.

[Notwendy]

Hi Jazz, I don't think there's a solid case for him being violent or potentially violent.

I think he could sense your contempt for the shirt and for him. Taking the photo to remind you of who he is could be seen as crossing a boundary. It's his body and his shirt, and even if it's got a message that you think is obnoxious- he still can choose to wear what he wants.

One could say his motive was to stop the picture, not to hurt you. That he swatted it- yes but possibly he was trying to stop you from taking the picture, tried to grab it or just push it away.

Even though you are entitled to your feelings, you have chosen to stay and live with him. I think it will make things easier on you if you "pick your battles". This isn't for him but for your own peace, wherever it's possible.

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

In my opinion, swatting a phone wouldn't qualify as violence, even if your husband shouldn't have done it.

The way I see the situation is probably one of, "He can dish it out but can't take it" type of exchange.  In other words, it seems that your husband readily criticizes, teases, or provokes you, such as by wearing a shirt with a message he knows will irritate you, but he becomes defensive/upset/angry when he is critiziced or otherwised challenged in return (i.e. when you take a photo of it).  He knows you know you were challenging him, and he reacted in an aggressive way, by swatting away your phone.  If he hadn't swatted, he might have screamed at you or demanded you hand over to him your property, just to show you who's boss.  You know your husband well and were sure that your small gesture of "retaliation" would be met with a negative reaction, right? 

This hypocrisy, insecurity, and/or a lack of empathy is often seen in bullies.  I've experienced it many times.  "He can dish it out but can't take it" sums it up.  And why is that?  I think it's because he's wired to be grumpy/negative/mean-spirited most of the time.  And yet, he thinks he's the only one who's allowed to be that way, while he DEMANDS that you be perfect, forgiving, tolerant of his meanness, always putting his needs first.  Not only that, but when he's in a really bad mood, he wants to dump it on you, belittle you and probably blame you too, in a vain attempt to make himself feel better.  That's when you need to realize it's not your fault, and to extricate youself from the scene as best as possible.

Now, sometimes I have felt incredible urges to "dish it out," just like my disordered roommates do to me sometimes.  I'm human, I have bad days and sour moods sometimes too.  But I find that the second I complain the tiniest bit, push back a little, act they way they do on a daily basis, I know exactly what happens:  it backfires.  All I do is incite them to up the ante and punish me in return.  So I have to be careful, so as not to unleash a WWIII.  I've found that rather than "dishing it back" as I've wanted to, I'm better off if I just gray rock.  In your situation, I might take a step back, and say to myself, it's just a shirt.  He's doing this just to rankle me, but I won't dignify the provocation with a reaction.  I'm going to gray rock in the hopes that he gets bored, changes his mind and changes his clothes.  If I'm lucky the shirt will get lost in the laundry, or maybe it will just stay in the bottom of the laundry bin where it belongs.

[SuperDaddy]

It occurs to me now that he got that T-shirt and wore it in front of you with the exclusive goal of pushing your buttons. So whatever reaction that you had about it would be used as fuel for another outburst.

This is unconscious conflict-seeking behavior.

If he really wanted to embrace that T-shirt logo, he would not want to hide it from his friends. The point is that this T-shirt was specifically chosen with you in mind.

But it's ok that you couldn't ignore it and reacted (by taking a picture), because no one is perfect and everyone has buttons to be pushed.

[Mutt]

That sounds very disturbing, particularly given that it crossed a physical boundary that you had not seen before. The most important thing is how you felt at that time. To continue trusting your instincts, disengaging when necessary, and putting your safety and peace first is a very good idea.