Inadvertent gaslighting?

[mssalty]

My SO admonished me for not doing something minor earlier.   What I heard was a general comment to hold off on doing something, what they said to me was “I told you to do it in an hour.” 

I don’t recall being told explicitly to do something, I recall being told to wait before I did something with no guidance other than “don’t do it too soon”. 

I honestly didn’t think anything about it because it was not a specific request do to something, just not to do something prior to a certain time. 

Rather than argue the point, I just said, “okay.”   

It made me think about how much my SO has 100% recall during times of argument or frustration, even over silly things.  How much of that recall is based on a need to not be wrong in a confrontation of any magnitude?

I find myself often being told something they have said or I have said that never matches up with my recollection.  The gaslighting comes in because the SO never admits to being at fault or misremembering, and so it’s always you who somehow forgot what you or they said. 

The exhaustion comes in because you get tired of being called out on or told you’re wrong on stuff that has so little importance in the general scheme of things.   

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi mssalty,

It appears like your SO is micromanaging you and, at the same time, not being clear enough when communicating their demands. Has it always been like that? Or is that a way of trying to make you feel bad and at fault just because they also feel that way in a lot of situations when they fail to fulfill your expectations?

In case it has always been like that, a gentle talk about the communication issues might be helpful. However, if this is an intentional way to make you wrong, then expressing your feelings would not help. In such a case, the best thing would be, instead, to begin by investigating why they feel in the wrong, validate that, and then try to make plans on how to avoid that from happening (protecting them from such frustrations). And this can be a long and difficult conversation.

Does that make sense for you?

[Mutt]

That sounds really draining. When small things turn into debates about who said what, it can wear you down fast, especially if the other person is very certain about their version.

Something many of us run into is that once emotions are involved, people can remember the same moment very differently. It doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is lying, but it can make those conversations go in circles.

One thing that sometimes helps is stepping out of the memory debate altogether. A simple line like “we may remember that differently” can acknowledge the difference without getting pulled into proving who’s right.

Do you notice this mostly happening during tense moments, or is it more of an everyday pattern in your conversations?