First post, need encouragement

My wife and I have been married for a few years, one baby. I knew from engagement that she had some severe issues with emotions. I knew I'd be in for some hard times, but I loved her and thought that I could "help her" (boy was I wrong). My counselor at the time even said that based one what I said, he thought she could have BPD. I didn't even know what that was. He even warned me how hard something like that is to deal with . Again, I felt very strongly that I wanted to marry her.

Since marriage, the masks have come off. I never realized how nasty someone could be toward their spouse. I am generally a very easy going, relaxed, jolly, peaceful person. I am a strong Christian and it has taken me years to get to this place, but I generally just am a person who lets things roll off his back. I think the Lord equipped me with extraordinary patience, love, caring. Generally, her default is not horrible....but at best just depressive and ready to be triggered at any moment. She has a very stressful job. I learned early on she gets very stressed out by work, life, finances...then she turns that anxiety on me. Critical of every little thing I do, say, don't do. Every day is walking on egg-shells. About once a week, maybe every other week if we are in a good season, she has a major blow-up. Almost always about something so incredibly miniscule. Blow-out argument, berating me, saying very nuclear and off-limits things (divorce, regret marrying me, bringing up painful things in my past, says how horrible I am). Then she shifts into a half-hearted apology, then we fight even more. Then an apology. Then self deprecation. Then it is like...boom...she totally pretends it never happened and wants me to just move one.

Meanwhile, every day I feel like her court jester. I have incredibly stressful jobs...yet I come home and try to just be happy, upbeat, and joyful. She is like Eeor. I try to make her smile. Write her notes. Give her flowers and gifts. Do a lot of things for her. I make dinner most days, because she is too fatigued. When she wrongs me, I still am almost always the one to have to make amends. I pour out my life to serve, respect, protect her. Yet, I very rarely get any reciprocal acts or attitude. She admits she knows she doesn't do much for me, she wants to try harder. But really never does. She doesn't really like sex. I appreciate when she does it anyway, when we do. But certainly it rarely feels like it is this two way reciprocal love thing, more of a duty.

She hates where we live. She holds it over my head all the time. Like once a week. She blames where we live on her issues, which is just nonsense (she had them before we lived here). She just wants me to up and move and quit my job. When I actually say I would move...she says "no, maybe we need to stay here". It drive me insane.

We had a baby last year, he is our pride and joy. So sweet. But now she has some little guy to love, at my expense. A whole new set of things I don't do right "because I don't care for the baby", or for other people not to do right. Last year she had a total blow-up with my mom and dad, for no reason. My parents are so sweet, Christian, loving. They love her, even though they know she has major issues. They have only tried to help. Then, my mom was visiting helping with the baby and she had a HUGE blowout against here, for something so minor I don't even remember what it was. My mom was flabbergasted. She has heard from my how she can act, and saw it a bit the previous year, but she saw it in FULL BLOWOUT mode this time. Screaming. Aggressiveness. She tried to storm out and get in her car and drive away (she wasn't drinking,but very upset and not fit to drive). I took the keys from here. She took an iPhone cable and wrapped it around her neck and started to choke herself. I took it away and Called my mom in. My mom started to record with her camera, out of a sense of being able to show her how she was acting and because my mom just had no clue what was going on. Well, that sent my wife into an even bigger melt-down...."DELETE THAT VIDEO!!!I WILL SUE YOU". She tried to take the phone from my mom. I threatened to call 911, she melted down even more "that will RUIN ME". I should have just done it. But I did say I was calling our pastor. My mom was so flabbergasted and upset, she packed up her bags and went to the curb to get an uber. It broke my heart. It is my mom. She is the sweetest person. She flew home the next day. She then followed me around the house insisting we "talk" (by talking, I mean her berating me and my mom). She would not leave me alone, so I got in the car and told her I was going to the office (it was late at night). Then I sat in a parking lot and called a pastor I know and said I was in trouble and needed someone to talk to right now. He said I could come over, I did. She also had a major blow out with a friend. In both cases she has been so angry at me for not being equally outraged and nasty toward them, but rather asking her to reconcile and forgive.

I have since told her very clearly, that if she ever threatens her life again, in words or actions, I will call the authorities.

I can't even begin to tell you the long list of horrible things she will say to me. Today she got so angry at me for absolutely no reason. She started to wail while holding our son. He started crying. I said "I am not mad, let me take him because he is getting upset". She went into "you are trying to take him away from me" (abandonment stuff, she said this to my mom). And she kicked me away (not hard). I tried to settle this all day. Give space. She kept at it. Tonight she hounded me again, blocked the doorway and demanded I come to bed. I said no, I need space. She shoved me (not very hard) into the bathroom. It concerns me she is now willing to get physical. She said something like "you are a grown man, you can't handle a woman?".

Again, I think anyone looking in objectively would be so awed by how patient, loving, understanding I have been with her...despite how she has treated me. When she is not triggered, she knows this and feels very bad about it. She always says how much I do for her, how she wonders why I am so nice to her, etc. I just do it because it is my duty to love her, and I try to have the joy and love of Christ outflowing (imperfectly). Yet I find myself become ever more depressed, impatient, and prone to anger myself (responding to her). I have NEVER had an anger issue, my entire life. Now, I just can't even deal with her toxicity. I tried to walk away, get space, cool down. She just hounds me and creates me from text, calling, from the other room. Even in my anger, I have NEVER said anything intentionally to hurt or berate her, only telling her things that are true out of a desire to help her understand how I feel (that she is being very toxic to me, that she is being bitter towards someone, etc.). She equivocates that with the same as saying the absolutely intentional harmful things to me. It is so enraging. Gaslighting at its finest. I do find myself raising my voice more frequently, sometimes with my son present, and saying some foul words (which I NEVER used to do...to anyone).

Some of the most painful things she has done that just wear on me (other than the issue with my mom) are things like: when I had a friend call and say another friend had died, we were on our way to meet her family for the first time. I cried. She said something like "are you going to cry in front of my family? Do we need to stay home?" She was worried I'd embarrass her. I rarely get sick, but this one time I was so ill that I woke up in the middle of the night, took a long hot shower, then barely could get out of the shower. I literally just threw some towels on the bathroom floor and laid down and essentially passed out buck naked. She woke up and found me laying there half-dead looking and the first thing she asked "are those the good towels?". Meanwhile, when she is sad, I kiss her tears. When her grandma died, I consoled her. When she is sick, I have held back her hair and cleaned up her vomit, nursed her like a child.

One time she read my old dairy. I don't hide ANYTHING from her. I have told her EVERYTHING about my life, any skeletons (and they aren't really that bad). I don't really care that she saw my diary. I wasn't hiding it. But that she felt free to just look through it...well...that is not cool. Even worse, she read some entry about a girl I really was pursuing like 15 years ago. She confessed that she read it, but then proceeds to compare herself to this girl...and hold it over my head. She also has spied on my phone and looked at texts to my mom and best friends about her (then took them out of context and got mad at me). She knows that I have two best friends I can tell ANYTHING about our marriage, and she has permission to ask them anything about me (and they have permission to share). I established this as a method of trust. I have said, I need friends to process things with. They are very trustworthy. She also knows that I tell some things to my family, not all. I changed my phone password, which KILLS me to think I cannot trust my own wife.

We are both Christians (though she does not exhibit much fruit at home) and to many people look like this perfectly happy cute Christian family. She is incredibly sweet to strangers and others. Yet, inside we have a horrible marriage. I feel like a total fraud. I feel like it would be easier if people just knew we were in trouble and didn't think so highly of us as a married couple. I always remind her when she compares herself to another couple...I say "you know, people probably look at us and think how perfect we are...but they know nothing about what goes on in our family".

Sure, we have many okay days each week, and sometimes some very great days. And we both love our son very much. I love my wife, in the same why, I think a father would love his wayward son....I love and care for her...wont' give up on her.... but I don't like her right now, nor do I feel in-love with her. have NEVER said that to her. EVER. My heart can't even handle saying something like that to my wife. I have resisted even uttering something like divorce (as a Christian I do not believe that divorce should even be an option unless the extreme cases, especially of infidelity), though she threatens it all the time. I don't want to divorce. I want her to find healing. I don't want to put our son in the middle of a divorce. Heaven forbid we ever did get divorced, I do not trust that her family would not demonize me (because I see how they demonize another ex-husband) and try to take my son totally (my family would not demonize her). I Can't believe I am even typing this out.

This has made my life miserable. Walking on eggshells in my own home. Wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day. Even when they are not bad, it is just surviving. Today I had a major bout of depressive feelings, a deep sense of hopelessness I have felt for about 2 weeks when I had COVID years ago (and I think have a little bit of PTSD from. I have had it. I can't do this much longer. This is no way to live. I am concerned for my son and his mental health if we cannot find healing. It has strained my relationship with my family (they love me, but need distance from her), from some friends, and my relationship with God...if I were to be honest.

I have begged and begged and begged for her to get counseling. She has started and stopped a few times. She finally is seeing one (maybe 4-5 times now). She likely has not even broached anything more than "work is stressful" with her. I don't think this one is trained in BPD/DBT, but it is the one one we could get for now. We have met with our pastor (which I am surprised she was willing to do) and he said he was going to hold us accountable to get marriage counseling. We do have an appointment with one. But, again, I am not living in much hope. I also am starting counseling again (I have been in it many times) because I need to protect my own heart and have someone to process with.

I am thankful for these boards. It is helpful to know there are others who deal with the same thing. And to feel validated.One of the hardest parts of this is that she does not admit to having BPD (or any problem) and she projects it all on me. Tonight was so engaging when she was telling me I am the one with an anger problem, that treats her horribly, that gaslights, etc...It makes you question your own sanity. I made a mistake in engaging with her, and not just letting it go. I have started to keep a private locked electronic journal of major blow outs...not as a matter of "recording sin" to hold it over her head (like she does me), but for my own sanity and to remind myself that despite her gaslighting me...she has been the one emotionally abusing and manipulating me. She has been the one to threaten divorce multiple times, mock our marriage, mock my vocation, threaten her life, actually attempt to take her life (probably didn't mean it though), disrespect my mom (I have always treated her with kindness and respect), kick and shove me, leave the house with baby and turn off GPS, slam doors, pull up unrelated hurtful things just to hurt me, cry uncontrollably with the baby, read my emails and diary behind my back, etc.. Those are not signs of a healthy person.

I want us to be healthy. I want to love my wife again. I want us to raise our son to be healthy. I want more kids. I am just at my wits end and don't know what to do.



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