These things just never end do they?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been rather calm for a while. I work in clinical research and supervise the human subjects research program. My ex works for the non-profit managing funds from sponsored clinical trials and grant applications. Every year there is something called 'research week'. Studies can advertise for recruitment, there are presentations, a service wide bbq. Prior to the explosive end to my relationship I haven't been attending these things as I would. It seems she didn't either last year.

Had a prep call today and everyone kept throwing my name out there as the person to work alongside my ex. Hell no. I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with that person after everything. And maybe she starts rumors about things I did or whatever. Not to mention the anxiety I'd have interacting with her like some stranger who hasn't tried to have me arrested, or punched me. No, no, no. Then a study coordinator who never really messages me sends me an IM 'hey looks like they really want you at the table with non-profit'. Random thing to just say. And I'm not grilling at the bbq anymore so I can see her parade around laughing with everyone. Keep in mind our jobs do NOT intersect at all. There's zero reason for me to have to work with her in any capacity. I am subject matter upper management, she is an assistant at the non-profit. Add to that she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me? Again, no.

The original agreement from my boss is we'd have no direct contact. So far haven't. So here goes my email to my boss that is going to probably ignite this again:

Hi 'boss',

I do not want to work near 'her' during Research Week. Given the history of physical assault, police involvement, and accusations that have been made against me, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we are not near each other.

Thank you,

'me'

[Me88]

It's been rather calm for a while. I work in clinical research and supervise the human subjects research program. My ex works for the non-profit managing funds from sponsored clinical trials and grant applications. Every year there is something called 'research week'. Studies can advertise for recruitment, there are presentations, a service wide bbq. Prior to the explosive end to my relationship I haven't been attending these things as I would. It seems she didn't either last year.

Had a prep call today and everyone kept throwing my name out there as the person to work alongside my ex. Hell no. I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with that person after everything. And maybe she starts rumors about things I did or whatever. Not to mention the anxiety I'd have interacting with her like some stranger who hasn't tried to have me arrested, or punched me. No, no, no. Then a study coordinator who never really messages me sends me an IM 'hey looks like they really want you at the table with non-profit'. Random thing to just say. And I'm not grilling at the bbq anymore so I can see her parade around laughing with everyone. Keep in mind our jobs do NOT intersect at all. There's zero reason for me to have to work with her in any capacity. I am subject matter upper management, she is an assistant at the non-profit. Add to that she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me? Again, no.

The original agreement from my boss is we'd have no direct contact. So far haven't. So here goes my email to my boss that is going to probably ignite this again:

Hi 'boss',

I do not want to work near 'her' during Research Week. Given the history of physical assault, police involvement, and accusations that have been made against me, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we are not near each other.

Thank you,

'me'

[Under The Bridge]

she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me?

That alone is reason to be keeping your distance. Who knows what she might say or accuse you of after working wth you? Has the study coordinator - who you say you normally never deal with - been influenced by her to try and get you on the scheme?

Seems strange that, knowing your history with her, management seem happy for you both to work together.

Hope you can find out what's behind this - seems a little fishy to me.

[Me88]

Very fishy. Granted not many people on my end know the extent of it all. And that whole random reach out yesterday made me think that too. I spoke to the service chief before emailing my direct boss, and his response was 'who the fk said that? No, that isn't an option, that should be a given. That's ridiculous. Chances are she won't even be here. I go to their building to check on the non-profit and she's not even in by 10am most days, ridiculous. That is not happening. If they push for it let me know'. But his mom and sister were both diagnosed bpd and he said life was hell growing up so he gets it.

SURPRISINGLY, my boss said this:

I understand.
I think for the Monday and Wed sessions in the PI conference room if the others are there, that should be sufficient.
We did not talk about doing a researcher training, so I think we should do at least one session via Teams that would cover protocol submissions and development or other topics that you would be SME.

It feels good to be seen, not questioned...and that people are finally seeing her work ethic and other things unravel. What a relief.

[Me88]

1 point to the 'survivors'.

[Me88]

and you really can't argue with documented facts: domestic violence on her end, destroying parts of my house when moving out, stealing quite a bit of my stuff, dumping me then calling the cops saying she was afraid of me, telling everyone for months I'm a physically abusive, controlling, toxic manipulative narcissist. You just CAN'T be around that person.

[Pook075]

It's a tough topic for sure and unfortunately, we've had this same conversation many times because you broke up...yet she still lingers.

I'll echo advice that I shared last year.  If your paths must cross in a professional environment, so be it.  Your fear of her is just, but it also empowers her in an unhealthy way.  I would take that power back by speaking directly to her in a room full of professionals and absolutely killing her with kindness.

Don't let her intimidate you at work any longer than you have to.  I would NEVER be alone with her, but in front of others I would be cool, calm, and collective as I wished her the best and showed that she's not harming me any more.  After all, that's why she is still there and still in your orbit.  She knows it bothers you.  So stop letting it.

The things she said and did, those things happened because she's mentally ill.  I was in that position with a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter.  And you know what I did that stole every bit of their hatred and anger?  I forgave them for everything...and then I let all of that pain go.  It's not their faults that they're mentally ill and I didn't want to be angry (or afraid) anymore.  So I stopped giving into that and released it through forgiveness.

That won't be popular advice here, but I hope it helps my friend.

[Me88]

This was going to be her and I alone. That just isn't safe, to me. I know what she's capable of.

I'm not sad and angry everyday. And my boss came into my office and said they'll work with me but there may be a time we need to collaborate with just us...but that's a no. Strangely she said she doesn't foresee it soon as our roles are not related to each other at all. But given opportunities that may change.

I understand the whole forgive and all, and I'm in that mindset with other exes, even those who cheated on me. With her I just don't WANT that. You can't be telling coworkers I've hit you. You can't call the police on me in my own home saying you don't feel safe or I'm scaring you. Domestic violence is a huge thing in my state, and as my sister, a cop said, at the very least I'd be detained during their investigation. If she lies more, things get bad. If she gets a restraining order, I won't be allowed to even live in my own home since she lived there. She could have ruined my life, COULD have.

I've moved on quite well and have navigated this well regarding no-contact. I simply don't want to see her. And there is absolutely no business need as everyone including my boss has said.   

[Me88]

and the whole kill her with kindness will backfire, given her self admitted usual mindset of keeping in touch with exes, recycling etc....I don't want this to open any doors or make her feel comfortable reaching out more.

[Mutt]

Hi Me88,

I’m really glad you came back and shared this. It sounds like you handled a tough situation really well.

Reading this, what stands out to me is how clear you are on your boundaries. You’re not reacting, you’re looking at what actually happened, the risks involved, and what that could mean for you. That’s grounded.

It also sounds like you were heard this time. Both your service chief and your boss responded in a way that supports you. That matters.

Given everything you described, it makes complete sense that you wouldn’t want to be alone with her. That’s not about weakness or fear, that’s about protecting yourself in a situation where things could escalate quickly.

And I hear you on not wanting to open any doors again. You’ve moved forward, you’ve kept your distance, and you’re being intentional about keeping it that way.

At the same time, I can understand how frustrating it is that this keeps coming back around just when things felt calmer. That kind of “it never really ends” feeling can wear you down.

For now, it sounds like you’ve got support and a plan in place that keeps things separate. That’s a good place to be.

And if anything shifts, you don’t have to carry it on your own. We’re here with you.

[Me88]

Really appreciate you all. This is a 'diary' of sorts for me. I didn't spiral. I told my bosses I'm not looking to escalate this, talk bad on anyone, revive this situation, simply looking to maintain the original agreement of no-contact. Should be quite easy, my immediate supervisor is the annoying one. The main one is great and on board. Quite simple to keep 2 people apart. Especially given the circumstances which thank God did not grow. Given what both sides said, regardless of her lies or exaggerations, it would make perfect business sense to remain separated entirely.

[Me88]

Just wanting a place to fully 'breathe'. Things are much better, keeping my door open again. Doing my thing. Just her presence causes 'anxiety' or whatever it may be. Been looking to transfer to another related federal facility for a while. Was told the facility down the road may be having some Program Manager positions opening up, would be a lateral, but I could truly start over.