Holy roller coaster

[Anonymous22]

Holy roller coaster...as mentioned in previous posts, my uBPDh is in mandatory DV therapy (for about 6 months) and DBT therapy (for slightly over a year).  The last couple of months has been all over the place.  We have rental property, and my uBPDh has been living in one of those properties for the last almost a year, after a DV incident, but stays at our house with the kid's and I on Monday and Wednesday nights and then whenever he feels like it.  The kids, 2 mine from a previous relationship and 2 ours, live with me.  For the most part, I am the sole caretaker and provider for the 4 kids, essentially a single mom of 4 kids when it comes to actually looking at things!  When he does take care of the kids, I make sure that everything is set so that there is always very little that my uBPDh has to do.  All 4 of my kids are extremely active.  My oldest plays for a national team in his sport as well as his high school team and individual training, my next plays 2 fulltime sports, our next plays one sport and our youngest plays one sport but is wanting to start another one on top of that.  I am at my limit time wise, as I also take sole care of our house (whenever he promises to help me do stuff around the house, yard work, etc, he switches and just like that, its all my responsibility!) and work part time plus 2 PRN jobs.  When I am working, my uBPDh will take the younger 2 kids (our kids) to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but refuses to do anything else, including pick them up or take them to school on any other day, he states he is not able to because of work, but somehow is able to pick my stepdaughter up and go to my stepdaughter's sports, etc when he has her.  I also am the one to have to find child care and pay for child care when I work, he has told me that he refuses to be my "errand boy" when I have asked him to help with things like this!  I have worked very hard to set boundaries surrounding the kids and my work (he says he wants me to work fulltime, expects me to pay for almost everything, but has a complete meltdown every time I walk out the door to go to work, or really anything as he melted down yesterday when I left for my hair appointment, making it very hard for me to leave, especially for me to leave the kids with him).  I have held strong in my boundaries and have not "given in".  The kids and I have a really good life, I'm exhausted, but will support my kids in anyway that I can, and we are really happy...until my uBPDh decides to crush it.  A couple of months ago, my uBPDh split on me and it was a long 2ish months.  He would interact with our 2 youngest, but would ignore me and my 2 oldest kids.  We adjusted, he only came over when he had to get the kids to school and sometimes when our kids had games, but it was rough.  He always looked like he hadn't slept for days.  He would move seats at our kid's events if I sat next to he and my stepdaughter, etc.  He would try to start things with me periodically, but I would walk away.  Then all of a sudden on our s8's birthday party, he switched and couldn't get enough of me and my 2 kids.  It was literally like the turning of a light switch.  He seemed happy, but more even, not the over the top chasing the kids and I being crazy that usually signals the beginning of the switch.  This lasted 2 weeks, longer than I think he has ever been in a good spot.  He slept over every night, and all were happy.  It was like the stars had aligned.  It wasn't the over the top life, it was normal life that we both were able to live and emotions were normal.  I actually didn't know that could happen!  Then he started to pull away, but not crazy, I could tell that he needed space.  Every once in a while, when my h is not at home, a random car (it switches each time) sits in front of our house for an undetermined amount of time and it looks like they are taking notes.  I noticed a car sitting in front of our house on Monday.  I took pictures and decided to turn the alarm on, but then decided to go on with our day, as I had plans with my d5.  A little later, I decided that I should probably tell my uBPDh why I have the alarm on since we never turn it on, if he comes over, etc.  Well, he freaks out on me, that I am being shady, that I haven't called the cops, that I am just letting him know, etc.  In the past he has come over to keep an eye on things and told me not to call the cops.  I told him that this has happened so many times and nothing ever comes of it, so I figured that turning on the alarm was an ok plan.  He continues to freak out on me through text to which I tell him I am "not doing this with him today" and then he stops.  I actually talked to a police officer later on who told me to call the non emergent line next time so they can follow up.  He comes over that night as he has to take the kids to school the next day.  He all of a sudden switches and is super nice to me!  The next night he comes over as well, which was totally unexpected.  He doesn't tell me when he is coming over, he just shows up at 9 pm!  I was picking my oldest up from practice when he got there so it scared the kids.  The next morning, getting ready, our 2 youngest were being silly and our youngest D said, "daddy, I think you are the fattest in the family".  He attends the gym religiously, is on every diet known and is very self aware, but often jokes about him being the "fattest in the family".  So this was not out of nowhere.  He then more seriously says, actually I think that mom is the fattest in the family now.  I was a little thrown off, I knew it was funny, but my response was if I had time to go to the gym, then I that would be different...we are a very active and health conscience family! His response was "you have all the time in the world, you don't do much"!  That just about threw me over the edge, but I just decided to continue on with my day.  I had a flat tire that I needed to get fixed, my H was upset as of course either all of my made up boyfriends did this or I did it so I could go out with said boyfriend.  I asked him if he could drop me off, to which he agreed.  The day went on, he was in his mood, but I was trying to just be normal.  Night comes.  I literally have not sat down all day.  Its 9 pm, I have to leave to pick my oldest up from practice and he walks in.  Feeling the tension, my  11 d says she is going upstairs.  My uBPDh then tells our s8 that tomorrow he is taking him to school, he is not allowed to take the bus.  Our son has struggled with going to school.  He has worked really hard and his favorite part of the day is going on the bus.  Its easier to bring him to the bus stop, but my uBPDh has to control everything and so he told him he is not going on the bus.  I decide not to respond to that and table it to address once he is in a better mood.  I pick my oldest up.  When I get back, my uBPDh starts in on me.  "Next week these kids are staying at my house, you and your kids are so shady.  I am so sick of you cheating on me.  You can say whatever you want, after the judge hears this the kids will be at my house, If you don't let them stay at my house, then I will file for divorce next week." I say to him that I am not doing this with him and that it will be up to the kids.  He freaks out that this is not the kids decision, its his decision.  I tell him that our s8 wants to ride the bus (reason why he wants to stay at home on school nights) and he says that he doesn't care what he wants, he is the dad and he can do what he wants.  I tell him that if its too much for him that night, he can leave and I will figure out getting the kids to school.  He tells me that he wants to be with his kids, so he is not leaving.  He then yells at the 3 kids that were downstairs to go upstairs away from him...as they were all afraid and clinging to me.  He then watched tv all night, I don't think slept at all...meanwhile all of the kids were afraid so all 3 slept with me...literally following me around everywhere, our d5 telling me how sorry she was that daddy said such mean things to me and me assuring her that if he put a hand on me that I would call 911, as she kept asking.  He also didn't do a single thing for the kids, help get them to sleep, get them medicine when one had growing pains, etc.  I know that this is just another go around, I think it is just so disappointing as we hadn't had a complete blow up like this in weeks.  I will keep doing what I am doing.  Part of me wants to check in with his DV therapist, as that is something that I am able to do, but I don't know if that is something I should do or not.  I am assuming that this would put a red flag up with his probation officer, and he has A LOT on the line right now.  Another part of me feels like I am trying to control what is not mine to control by doing so, and to just continue forward and not let this change me.  While it feels like the world is crashing in on me at this moment, in reality, it is just another melt down by my uBPDh, and I have been through so many of them before.  I will hold my head high, protect my kids and not let this derail me!   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hey Anonymous22,

That really does sound like a roller coaster… and honestly, the part that stands out isn’t just the ups and downs, it’s how much you’re holding steady through all of it.

You’re basically functioning as a single parent to four kids while managing his unpredictability, and still keeping things structured, active, and safe for them. That’s not small.

What you described with the “good stretch” followed by the shift… that kind of pattern can feel especially disorienting because it gives a glimpse of what could be, and then it’s gone again. It makes the drop hit harder.

One thing I noticed is how consistent you’ve been with your boundaries. You’re not engaging in the chaos, you’re redirecting, protecting the kids, and staying grounded even when he escalates. That matters more than it probably feels in the moment, especially for your kids who are clearly looking to you as their safe place.

About contacting the therapist… I think your instinct is already pointing you in the right direction. There’s a difference between supporting accountability and stepping into a role where you’re trying to manage or stabilize him. From what you wrote, you’ve already stepped back from that space and are focusing on what’s yours to carry.

And honestly, the line that stuck with me most was this:

“I will hold my head high, protect my kids and not let this derail me.”

That’s not just something you’re saying… it’s already what you’re doing.

You’re not crazy for feeling disappointed after things seemed stable. And you’re not overreacting to how hard this is. You’re just seeing the pattern clearly now, and staying steady anyway.

That counts.

[Anonymous22]

Thanks Mutt, I really appreciate the thoughtful reply.  Its not always easy to see all that you are doing when in the middle of the chaos.  Unfortunately, the "crap" has continued.  Holidays have always been very important to my side of the family and I have done my best to keep that tradition with my family/children.  I assume that is not the case for my uBPDh's family, as he never understands why we are doing anything special for them.  Easter weekend rolls around.  I have a weekend full of kid's sports, but organize an egg coloring and dinner gathering at our house for the kids and my sister's family.  I invite both my H and my SD14.  My H stops by after church.  He does his ring the bell, then walk in the house thing that he has become accustomed to, and then stands in front of the tv and barely interacts with anyone, except my nephew to tell him that he is wrong as to who will win March Madness.  He barely acknowledges that the kids are all doing Easter stuff and just stares at the tv, then goes upstairs and "packs" some of his clothes to bring to his other place.  This is his new thing, to "pack" clothes that he hasn't worn in years to make it look like he is "moving more of his stuff out".  My sister's family leaves around 9 pm and my H grabs his bag of clothes and does the same.  We were all a little thrown off as we (the kids and I) thought he was staying over for Easter morning.  The next day, I do all of Easter, then send him pictures and say that we missed him participating with us.  He thanked me for always making holidays so nice for the kids.  Monday morning rolls around, our S8 doesn't want to go to school but I get him out the door and excited to ride the bus, which is his favorite part of the day.  Unfortunately, long story short, they now have assigned seats on the bus and my S8 is a wreck over the change and crying so I bring him home and after lots of tears agree to let him stay home for today only. (I spent a good part of the day contacting the school to get this issue figured out, to which my H is calling after me to make sure that I am not talking about him!) During this, our D5 trips on her shoe and does a face plant and is bleeding from her mouth.  I attempt to get everyone under control and my oldest out the house for school and to let my H know what is going on.  His response is of course blaming me for the bus, that he never acts this way with him (of course because he is afraid of you which he has told me) and he is fine to not ride the bus with him, etc.  I tell him that I am not doing this with him that I have to deal with our D5 who fell.  He asks to talk to her.  So she calls him, I am laying with her as she is in a lot of pain and he tells me that I need to move away from her, that she is tough and doesn't need me while she is talking to him!  She is balling and he just keeps saying "your tough, let me see your muscles, what can I buy for you, etc."  He then says that he is going to go on a walk, then do a little work then come over to see her.  She finally hangs up and I looks some stuff up and I decide that I should take her to the dentist.  I schedule an appointment, then ask him if that time works with his schedule.  He doesn't respond, after 10+ minutes, my daughter is pleading me to leave for the dentist, so I tell him that we are leaving.  He finally responds "cool".  I update him with our every move, he then tells me that he won't make it to the appointment...clearly his walk is more important...he did the same thing when I had to take our then 2 year old daughter to the ER with RSV, he showed up maybe 30+ minutes late cause he had to finish his workout.  Thankfully everything is fine.  We get home and a little while later my H shows up with smoothies and decides to work at the house, every once in a while coming out to check on what we are doing and give the kids a "high five" and me an eye roll and strange laugh.  I ignore and continue to play with my kids.  I had to leave to pick my oldest up from school and his office door was closed as he was on a meeting, so I text him to let him know.  His response was that my SD14 had strep so he was visiting her and then to let me know what the plan was for the kids for bringing the kids to school this week when I work as he still is refusing to stay over the house...yet he was just at the house for several hours without my asking him.  I ask our S8 what he wanted to do.  He started crying that he hates sleeping at dad's house, dad is mean and all he does is interrogate him about me and try to tell him things about me that he knows are not right.  I told him to tell dad he wants to call me and he told me that he has before and dad won't let him use his phone and when he brought his iwatch so he could call me, he refused to give him the password to the wifi, so he couldn't.  He tells me its not comfortable and he only wants to be with me.  We (meaning the kids and I, which I invited him on but did not buy him a ticket, etc as he has switched into his not nice mode and i won't have that on our trip) have a vacation coming up and I have a feeling that if I don't let the kids stay over 1 night, then he will attempt to mess with that.  So I told my son that we just have to do this 1 day, then I will figure out something for the other day that I work.  He refused for awhile and our D5 refused if her brother wasn't going.  I finally talked them into it as long as it was for today.  So I text my H to let him know the plan, saying that the reason why the kids would not be there the second day was because riding the bus was very important to him.  I then check my email and see that he has sent me an email entitled "negative talk in emails only"! LOL That pretty much states that he will not respond to any of my negative talk through text any longer as our kids can read the emails and he will ignore them and only respond through email.  Manipulation at its finest, as all  negative texts come from him and my response every time is that I am not doing this with him!  I laughed, forwarded it to my therapist (whose response was "holy manipulation!") and ignored it.  I then noticed that my H had scheduled a school thing for our S8 without clearing the time with me first and it is scheduled at a time that I can't be there...and he knew that.  So I sent him a text, asking him to please clear things with me as I do with him...to which he responded that I didn't let him know when the kids were doing their easter egg hunt, etc...what! (Everything in me wants to change the time to one I can attend, without telling him...but I won't)  They do it first thing in the morning every year, I can't even keep them upstairs, they were asking to go downstairs at 5 am this year!  He then switched to his email chain and said I lied, etc, which I didn't respond to.  He then started in on how he was going to convince our S8 to stay with him for the next time I work as his place is his house too.  I tried to explain what is important to him right now being a cool 2nd grader (friends) and my H flipped out (he derails anything having to do with him spending time with friends), sending an email "stating HIS "facts"" that his son doesn't spend enough time with him..., how many times have I offered for him to pick the kids up from school, take the kids to their practices, take the kids out to do something, be at the house to hangout with the kids before 9 pm, etc and I get told that he will not be my errand boy, he has to go to the gym, he has to work, etc...the excuses pile on!  This is the millionth time we have gone through this.  I can ignore the crap he throws at me...but I can't ignore the way the kids are feeling, which is my focus right now.  Honestly, I have a lot on my H and have saved him so many times, yet he doesn't care.  All he cares about is himself!  And I am tired!     

[Anonymous22]

Update...I am at work and I check the security camera at the front door to make sure that both of my older kids have left for school and I see that the door was opened at the usual times and that it was opened about 10 minutes after as well.  I watch the camera to see what happened and my H came to the house with his work stuff and is apparently working at the house!  WTF!  He literally just refused to be at the house, etc last night, accusing me of all sorts of things and now he shows up when it is known that no one is home with his work bag...meaning he had to pack his bag with all of his work stuff!  Certifiably crazy, like I have no other words!

[CC43]

Hi there,

What you describe echoes how my undiagnosed NPD brother-in-law acts.  I couldn't point to one or two incidents that illustrate his behavior; it's more about a general pattern of manipulation, meanness, self-centeredness and control.  If I tried to write it out, it might sound like I'm crazy.  But here are some of the patterns I've noticed:

*His own interests come before the children's.  An example might be, he'll be upset if the kids don't seem interested in him or what he's doing . . . and yet he'll basically show zero interest in what the kids are doing.  Another example might be, all the conversations revolve around his interests, and yet he won't show interest in the children, not even as banal as asking, How was school today?

*He makes scheduling and logistics absolutely impossible.  He's chronically late, typically by more than 45 minutes, and yet he blows his top if others make him wait for three minutes, even if for a valid reason (like sickness, an accident).  He demands that you write out logistical details, sometimes multiple times, and he needs constant reminders and explanations (e.g. for directions) . . . He expects you to maintain the calendar of activities and do all of the execution, according to HIS schedule, and yet he can't be relied upon to do his part, let alone even show up.  Why?  He thinks he's exempt from doing his part.  It almost seems like he ENJOYS barking at someone else to update him, to get his approval and await his slow reply.  It's like he wants to have a say on every detail, even if he's not involved.  I think it's a power move--he's controlling and yet not contributing.  He wields his veto power with gusto.

*He expects others to over-function for him.  One small example is that he expects his spouse or kids to wake him up.  He's too "important" to set his own alarm.  And yet his spouse and kids don't want to have to wake him up, because he's a total grump when awakened; he'll shout that he wasn't awakened "properly" and will hurl insults.

*He has a million excuses for non-performance.  His go-to excuses are his own ailments:  a sore knee, a sore toe, an upset stomach.  He frequently visits urgent care, often when his kids are in his care.  Yet if the kids have a health issue (one is particularly prone to stomach upset and vomiting), he ignores it, or chastises her for throwing up.   

*He does whatever he wants whenever he wants, with seemingly zero consideration for other people, even his own children.  An example might be, he'll binge-watch TV and binge-eat at night, and so by morning, he wants to sleep in late.  The kids will awaken at their normal time and want breakfast, and yet there's no food the kids like at his place--the fridge is empty.  He'll insist on sleeping until the afternoon, at which time he'll order brunch or something.  Meanwhile, the kids are starving.  They might be good and quiet for two or three hours, but as the morning progresses, they get hungrier and crankier, and they start to make some noise and act out.  Then he'll scream at the kids for waking him up.  And this is his visitation time.  Basically he wants to SLEEP during visitation and not feed or interact with the kids, not until HE is ready.  It would be one thing if he were working a night shift.  But he's unemployed of course.

*He doesn't contribute economically as he should.  With my BIL, he's remained unemployed long-term.  Sure, he'll "pretend" to look for work.  He'll talk about it, too.  But the record shows he hasn't worked a day since 2019.  Once he blamed his children for not being able to go to Washington to work on the DOGE project--he made it seem like he would have been chosen because he's a self-proclaimed "genius," but he couldn't go because he had to stay near the kids?  Anyway, he is providing absolutely the minimum child support he can get away with, and every payment is late.  He has his kids living at poverty-level support, while he spends marital assets on himself, buying all sorts of things online that he never even bothers to open.  I'm pretty sure he orders all of his meals with DoorDash.

Sound familiar?

If it does, one thing you might try is to put a limit on his power over logistics.  One way to do this is not to rely on him to do anything--that way, you and the kids won't be disappointed by non-performance, but if he does show up, then that's gravy. Another way is to limit his veto rights, by how you frame logistics.  Rather than ask permission, you can say that a nil response is tacit consent.  That might look like:  "Son has a special school event to attend on Thursday at 4 PM.  Unless I hear from you otherwise by tomorrow night, I'm signing his permission slip and will take him."  A non-repsonse means he's OK with it.  Just give him at least 24 hours to object or propose an alternative.  Chances are he won't reply because it's too much "work" for him.

[Anonymous22]

Thanks CC!  It is very similar, except that he "overly cares" about the kids when it suites him, in a very strange way where he thinks he is protecting the kids but in reality he is controlling them to "be on his side" as he has done with my stepdaughter.  I have set up everything so that I don't need to rely on him, I literally have a back up to everything I "depend" on him for and the back up has nothing to do with him.  I only ask him, as I believe he should be involved, but know the chances of that happening are slim most weeks.  But he will do everything he can to ruin that when in this mood.  Take the last 24 hours...my son has issues with school and my daughter gets hurt.  I do the practical thing, call the school to get things fixed and bring our daughter to the dentist for an emergency appointment.  He is too busy taking care of himself (he is so afraid that he will gain hundreds of pounds if he doesn't do his walks and gym time one day...he is over the top...then eats an entire pantry that night since he is up all night) to actually be there for our daughter and would rather blame me than actually see the reality, it takes the focus off him not being there if "its my fault".  While I am actually taking care of things, he is blaming me and causing more damage as he does, wanting to make it look like he cares as the blame obviously has to be on me, as things just can't be what they are.  He often switches things on the kids which makes them upset, but then pretends all is ok because he buys them something.  Same as when he yells at them and when they are hurt by him yelling at them, he tickles them...and he does the same at bed time, I put the kids to bed and he then lays next to them and starts tickling them but gets upset when they then want to play and not sleep.  He does ask the kids what they did at school, but often forgets that he already asked them because he actually isn't listening and then will ask again.  I don't think he is actually truly present when in this mode, he has hit his car on the side of the garage twice this year pulling out of the garage cause he isn't present (and I'm supposed to be ok with him having my young kids alone!).  He stated to me less than 24 hours ago that he will not be at our house with the kids, yet has been there twice, but made them sleep at his house because it makes me and the kids upset, but if I were to plan something different, he would derail that plan and physically come be with the kids, "protecting" them from my evil plan and in turn creating an unsafe environment for all.  He has stated that he can't pick the kids up from school any longer as he has to work, but goes to the gym every day and when I checked the camera he came to our house this morning and is still there for when the babysitter gets there, but why tell anyone that he is there...I let the babysitter know otherwise it would have scared the crap out of the her.  He also switched the presentation time for our son without telling me to a time that I can do it, but I would have never known if the teacher hadn't confirmed the time change with me instead of him.  He is literally doing everything he can to get under my skin!  I am holding steady with not responding, but struggling inside! 

[Anonymous22]

Sorry I am thinking about this more than I should today!  Another example, we opened investment accounts for each of our 5 kids years ago, with the intention of putting money in them each year to help them in their future.  For some reason we couldn't open them in both of our names, so we agreed I would open the ones for my oldest 2 kids and our youngest daughter and he would open the one for my step daughter and our younger son.  Outside of the initial amount required to open the account he has never put a single dollar in any of the accounts.  He has a 529 for my step daughter and puts money aside for her but no one else!  For the last several years, I have put a small amount of money a month into each of those accounts, including my stepdaughter's.  Every year at tax time, I ask him to submit the forms from those accounts and he tells me that there is nothing, and my response is that means that you have not had the money invested.  I have organized it all for him and had our accountant call him to just get an ok to follow the same investment profile that my 3 kids accounts have and he told them that it sounded like I was trying to do something shady and hung up on them, I have asked him to call numerous times, I have proved to him that my 3 accounts are more than triple the amount of his accounts and asked him to please call to have them invested as its for the benefit of the kids and he responded "spending time with their dad is for the benefit of the kids".  I have finally thrown my hands up and am opening my son another account in my name and will transfer the money there instead so I can make sure it is being taken care of correctly.  I have concluded that he is afraid that this will make me look good in the future, being able to give them these accounts to hopefully help them get started in life, so would rather ruin it than actually contribute to them as well!  He can afford way more than I can, so giving this to them would be nothing to him!  But...he is too selfish!