unbelievable

[BPDstinks]

What kind of short straw did I draw!  I have TWO (I use the term family member loosely) my daughter has BPD (I have written books about HER) my granddaughters' (NO relation to me (my son's "fling" (his daughter is my blood relation, I have taken all 4 "under my wing" and call them my grandchildren, the 2nd oldest I am very close to) mother has BPD; I have dealt with her for 8 1/2 years, back and forth, "you can see the kids, you can't see the kids, on & on" (the longest stretch of no contact was 10 days) way back in the beginning I cried and begged; fast forward, they live very close to me, I see them very often; she is on baby #4 and her moods are OUT of control....I pretty much "lay low", however, there have been 2 episodes back to back that have me REELING (basically, she will change the plans with the kids so much, that I get confused) (I work full time, at a very hectic job) or she will call me, while I am at work & ask me ridiculous favors (can I take a break to come & jump her car (at 7 am (I start work at 7 am) and when I cannot do these things, than I am "not allowed to see the kids" (her words, "I only want to do the fun things" (there is so much crazy talk, I could go on for days"; this past Friday, was easy peasy....take my oldest granddaughter to get her nails done (I don't think a 10 year old needs this, but...) and dinner), 4 phone calls later, I end up taking the "friend" (the friend NEVER has money, the friend's mother is never anywhere to be found) the friend is IN my car with NO money, so, I call granddaughters mom, saying, where is the money (I will pay for a burger here & there but...nails? I don't get my nails done....) oh my goodness, the heavens above opened up (this turned into a litany of I ruined a bday party (in January, (that I took over b/c she was SO nervous) (an overnight pool party (these girls were SO bad the manager called me, yes, I was very nervous) etc. on & on, it was like everything she said was HER, (I was disorganized (I am NOT) confused (not) poor (not), etc.  I was literally so frazzled at the end of this...it makes me want to NOT see the kids & I love these kids, she did the I can see them once a month, because I am do disorganized with the plans (I offered to take them to the zoo...it does not get much easier than that) I am to the point, I am just going to wait, if she offers, does anyone know HOW to deal with such a person? this is the worst she has acted in the 8+ years (I do not doubt is is hormones) (oh, and she is moving, AGAIN, for the 10th!) time....it was just hurtful and cruel (I hate to EVER say, the other 3 are NOT related to me, but....I feel like my fighting to see them is falling thin

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

I'm so sorry!!!  Serious short straw.  Do you have support?

[BPDstinks]

I actually have a therapist who specializes in children/young adults with BPD!  I think I can "handle" her pretty good & know when her moods are "escalating" however, in all honestly, work is wild & I am trying to manage my OWN life...(she does not work...I am quite sure 4 kids are aLOT, but, I had 3 kids and worked full time, as some do, so....) I am just going to see if she ASKS if I want to see the kids and pace myself....I always feel bad for them, however, my therapist said, they have been raised on chaos, so, are "used" to it....seems sad to me (HER mother, is very nice, however, she does not even know how to handle this...we used to take turns, however, she told me her "nerves" cannot take it)

[CC43]

Hi there,

It's sad, but the unbelievable is utterly believable when it comes to BPD.  Generally speaking, her expectations of others are unrealistic.  My guess is that when she called you, she fully expected you to drop everything and jump her car--and when you declined because it was inconvenient for you, she went ballistic, because it just didn't enter her mind that you would be busy with your life.  She thinks, HER life should always come first, HER problems are YOURS to solve.  And so she spirals, incredibly angry.  Further, she probably thought that when she showed you just how angry she was, you'd change your mind and help her.  When you declined, thinking she'd understand because you were at work, she was doubly wounded, and so she'll punish you, probably by not allowing her kid(s) to see you.  She became so angry that she couldn't think straight, let alone find a viable solution to her minor problem.  She could wait for her husband to come home (I assume she has a husband since she's pregnant but I could be wrong).  She could ask the nextdoor neighbor for a jump.  She could call AAA.  She could take an Uber for the day.  But no, in her mind, you were evil incarnate, selfish, narcissistic, a let down, the ruiner of her entire life.  All because her car battery died, as if that's a major crisis.

I think you did the right thing.  You're allowed to say NO, when you're too busy or inconvenienced.  The thing is, your daughter has to learn that others have the right to say NO, and not take it like a personal affront.  With BPD, she hears something like, "NO, I don't love you, you're incompetent and your day is completely ruined," instead of "NO, I'm too busy right now, but I can stop by after work if you still need a jump then."

As for 10-year-old girls getting manicures and the pwBPD in your life expecting you to pay for it, I probably wouldn't have gotten the manicures.  I think salon manicures are expensive and also inappropriate for girls that young, unless they are choosing to spend their allowance money that way.  I would have said, Let's go to my house and we'll have a manicure party.  I have nail files, clear nailpolish and French tip marker, and the girls could trim and paint each other's nails, maybe even paint some Polka dots or squiggles, or add some aluminum foil flecks.  In a pinch I might have given them a budget of $5 to pick out a polish at the drug store.   No way would I have shelled out around $100 including tips.  Chances are the girls would have more fun and more interaction with each other at a "home manicure party" than if they had gone to a salon.  Best of all, they could show off their own miniature works of art.

Regarding the statement that you only want to do the fun things--Yes, that's what grandmas are for!  Why wouldn't you want to do the fun things?  You're not the parent, she is.  You shouldn't have to do the chauffeuring, doctor's appointments, PTA meetings, disciplining, caring for sick kids, etc., unless you choose to.  You should get quality time with the grandkids.

As for the frequent moves, that sounds familiar.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that her "living situation" is constantly causing her distress.  She has moved around five times in the last year alone.  My guess is that she thinks she needs a "fresh start" and a "change of scenery" to feel better.  Sometimes I thinks she spends so much time moving residences to avoid dealing with her life head-on, such as working regularly at a job.  You see, she'll spend a lot of time searching for a place.  For her, moving day stretches into moving week or longer.  She'll need a few additional weeks to "settle in," whereas most people unpack boxes in the spare hours between working and sleeping.  It's almost as if moving has become her "occupation," in the vain attempt to make her life better.  But the problem isn't the "living situation," it's with her.  Even so, I think that for her, changing residences feels like fleeing from her everyday problems.  I think it's linked to her general issue of unrealistic expectations--that her life will magically become better when she moves.  Alas, she's constantly disappointed.

I guess my advice is to know that your daughter's problems are NOT your problems to solve.  In fact, if your daughter says, Jump, and you ask, How high?, you're training her to expect ever more and more from you.  If you feel resentful, that's a sure sign that you're over-functioning for your daughter.  I think you might benefit by being less available to your daughter to solve her everyday problems.  I call this "slow walking."  Instead of taking a personal day off work and rushing to do your daughter's bidding, you might slow things down.  I gave an example above:  "I can't jump your car right now, but if you still need one at the end of the day, I can swing by after work."  Chances are she'll find another solution before then.  The only way she'll learn some resourcefulness is if you give her more time and space to calm down and think through solutions that don't involve calling Mom and having a meltdown.  Granted, she'll probably be mad at you if you decline to do her bidding like you used to.  But she's mad at you already.  Just know that it's not your fault, it's your daughter's BPD and her unreasonable expectations.  Chances are she'll reach out to you again soon enough . . . probably when she needs something yet again.  And you have the right to say NO if you don't want to.

Just my two cents.

[js friend]

Hi Bpdstinks,

What cleared up any confusion when it came to me having my gc by udd was to have and maintain boundaries.

Without them my udd would accuse me of being selfish if something/anything came up and I couldnt have them....I was being "selfish" if I was ill, had to work late, and other times she said that I should be the one to go over and pick them up .....So I made the change and told udd to bring GC at a certain time and that they must be picked up by a certain time.

Grudgingly udd accepted my boundaries but she also complained to anyone who would listen and sulked about this new arrangement with it by not speaking to me, then she began to bring them late or picking them up late with no phone calls even out of courtesy to let me know that she would be running late.

I think if you are feeling "frazzled" it means that you are doing more than you can mentally handle and it is time to lay down some boundaries with this woman. It is ok to say "NO" from time to time without feeling guilty(or made to feel guilty about it)

At the moment you are of some assistance to her and you are being kept in place with these threats. I would try to have a more relaxed approached to seeing your GC and  make yourself less available. This woman knows that your Gc are your weak spots and is using this to control you.

Try to remember also that boundaries are there to help YOU. You dont have to answer every phone call, you dont have to respond to every text, you CAN ask for money as a  contribution for days out for the GC, it is OK to accept only a certain number of date changes before you say no more.

You have to start putting yourself first and looking after your own mental by introducing boundaries. She wont like but think about how much longer you can be expected to do this. You have your own life to lead and at the moment she has no respect for it.

[BPDstinks]

CC43!  You always have such good advice!  Well...I should clarify (it sure sounds like it is...she is not related to me, a tinge!) my son (who does not even see his daughter) (this family is a hoot!) is father to ONE child, the 10 year old...so, basically, I just love all 4 of them, like they ARE related to me (I really dislike the mom & tolerate her to see the kids) (she is NOT married, (no judgement, just stating a fact, 4 dads) I will really try all of your valuable suggestions....I DO cave when it is the kids!  Just seeing her phone number makes my heart pound

[BPDstinks]

js friend....thank you!  well....my boundary attempt has been:  Mondays I text her:  these are days I am available....fill in blanks; she has a newborn, so, I never mind picking the kids up/dropping off....it is just the back and forth with the plans or telling me at the last minute they are NOT going, etc.  basically, she is just rude....is it BPD? who knows....I really would just like to have as little to do with her as possible.  I am going to try the relaxed (I admit, I am an anxious person, so, this lack of planning does not work for me!) approach & wait for her to ask me (than, I think of the things the kids like to do on the weekends & I feel bad, sigh) (I suppose I should remember, they DO have another grandmother! (HER mother!)

[BPDstinks]

did you ever thing...why should ANY of this be SO hard!

[js friend]

did you ever thing...why should ANY of this be SO hard!

Yes..... All the time!