uBPD sister ripping my sanity

[Pushover_Pleaser]

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her, I am terrified of her influence on the others in my family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her (yes I have read that book too). I am unable to let go of the fact she has acted out like a child and made a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (basically she threw a fit and is refusing to talk to me or go to my wedding). She has made this narrative in her mind of my life, my relationship and my happiness. She is under the impression that I am not happy, I am in a bad relationship, and that I am isolating myself from my family. None of these are true but this is what she has been saying behind my back for months now. She is telling our family how bad my fiance is and how I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to try to defend myself because her famous saying is "if you get defensive, it must mean it's true". She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Your sister is doing to.you exactly what my mother does to her sister.. My mum turned on her sister massively a month or so ago and my brother and I are struggling to cope with her behaviour. It's hard for my aunt because she frets about my mum potentially going through with suicide threats, my mum has caller display and so like to not answer the phone to her sister or half sister just so she can make them panic!

The sad thing is that unless any professionals are willing to step in push my mother into some serious therapy, I think we're screwed and just have to minimise contact as much possible otherwise she'll just keep being mentally abusive to myself and my brother

[CC43]

Hi there ladies,

Putting aside the volatile emotions and victim perspective of BPD for a moment, I've observed that BPD often involves unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes I think it's as if pwBPD live in a fantasy world, with a heavy dose of childish, "magical" thinking--believing that they should command everyone's attention, and that others should cater to their every need, without regard for other people's circumstances.  Their conception of an interpersonal relationship is too demanding, too INTENSE.  An example might be that the pwBPD believes that close relatives should always remain "available" to her--to talk, to entertain, to give her money, to help with logistics, to solve daily problems or take her on vacations.  Another example might be that she expects parents to spend all their disposable income on the adult BPD child, because they "owe" her.  She might have the expectation that the childhood home should never change, and that family members should never move away, let alone marry (or remarry), or devote time to their own families.  Another expectation might be for a Prince Charming to knock on her door, sweep her off her feet and set her up in a palatial home, where she has no responsibilities for upkeep or income contribution.  Since these expectations are unrealistic, childish and partly delusional, the pwBPD feels constantly disappointed and aggrieved.  And so she might lash out, accusing you of "abandoning" her, not helping her, not catering to her every need like she was used to in the past.  She'll say you're a terrible person, selfish, narcissistic--and that your life and home are horrendous, your friends are evil, that you should be punished and rot in hell . . . and maybe she'll threaten you too.  Immediately after that she'll try to "punish" you by cutting off all conntact.  I think this is a reflection of her childish expectations that set her up for constant disappointment, which leads to petulance, tantrums, rages, threats and/or bouts of depression.  On top of that, she's seething mad when others seem happy and hit life's milestones, because it's a stark reminder to her that she is not happy nor hitting milestones.  It's almost as if she's stuck, while others close to her are moving on, and she's not happy about that.

Look, nothing you do will change your sister.  The only person you have control of is YOU.  I'd say, if your sister is ripping apart your sanity, then you deserve a break from her.  You don't have to explain anything to anybody, just take a break.  I'd say, let her calls go to voicemail, and don't listen to any messages if you can't handle them right now.  You don't have to read her texts or emails, either.  If something were truly important, trust me, you would find out some other way (for example, your parents or other family members would reach out to you).  And if you're worried about what your sister is saying about you behind your back, I'd say, try to stop worrying about that.  Your family already knows your sister has her issues.  My guess is that they already know she's prone to lying (or extreme exaggeration).  You do NOT have to defend yourself.  I'd say, try to focus on YOU.  Get busy with your life, so that your disordered sister doesn't occupy so much headspace.