uBPD sister ripping my sanity

[Pushover_Pleaser]

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her, I am terrified of her influence on the others in my family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her (yes I have read that book too). I am unable to let go of the fact she has acted out like a child and made a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (basically she threw a fit and is refusing to talk to me or go to my wedding). She has made this narrative in her mind of my life, my relationship and my happiness. She is under the impression that I am not happy, I am in a bad relationship, and that I am isolating myself from my family. None of these are true but this is what she has been saying behind my back for months now. She is telling our family how bad my fiance is and how I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to try to defend myself because her famous saying is "if you get defensive, it must mean it's true". She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Your sister is doing to.you exactly what my mother does to her sister.. My mum turned on her sister massively a month or so ago and my brother and I are struggling to cope with her behaviour. It's hard for my aunt because she frets about my mum potentially going through with suicide threats, my mum has caller display and so like to not answer the phone to her sister or half sister just so she can make them panic!

The sad thing is that unless any professionals are willing to step in push my mother into some serious therapy, I think we're screwed and just have to minimise contact as much possible otherwise she'll just keep being mentally abusive to myself and my brother

[CC43]

Hi there ladies,

Putting aside the volatile emotions and victim perspective of BPD for a moment, I've observed that BPD often involves unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes I think it's as if pwBPD live in a fantasy world, with a heavy dose of childish, "magical" thinking--believing that they should command everyone's attention, and that others should cater to their every need, without regard for other people's circumstances.  Their conception of an interpersonal relationship is too demanding, too INTENSE.  An example might be that the pwBPD believes that close relatives should always remain "available" to her--to talk, to entertain, to give her money, to help with logistics, to solve daily problems or take her on vacations.  Another example might be that she expects parents to spend all their disposable income on the adult BPD child, because they "owe" her.  She might have the expectation that the childhood home should never change, and that family members should never move away, let alone marry (or remarry), or devote time to their own families.  Another expectation might be for a Prince Charming to knock on her door, sweep her off her feet and set her up in a palatial home, where she has no responsibilities for upkeep or income contribution.  Since these expectations are unrealistic, childish and partly delusional, the pwBPD feels constantly disappointed and aggrieved.  And so she might lash out, accusing you of "abandoning" her, not helping her, not catering to her every need like she was used to in the past.  She'll say you're a terrible person, selfish, narcissistic--and that your life and home are horrendous, your friends are evil, that you should be punished and rot in hell . . . and maybe she'll threaten you too.  Immediately after that she'll try to "punish" you by cutting off all conntact.  I think this is a reflection of her childish expectations that set her up for constant disappointment, which leads to petulance, tantrums, rages, threats and/or bouts of depression.  On top of that, she's seething mad when others seem happy and hit life's milestones, because it's a stark reminder to her that she is not happy nor hitting milestones.  It's almost as if she's stuck, while others close to her are moving on, and she's not happy about that.

Look, nothing you do will change your sister.  The only person you have control of is YOU.  I'd say, if your sister is ripping apart your sanity, then you deserve a break from her.  You don't have to explain anything to anybody, just take a break.  I'd say, let her calls go to voicemail, and don't listen to any messages if you can't handle them right now.  You don't have to read her texts or emails, either.  If something were truly important, trust me, you would find out some other way (for example, your parents or other family members would reach out to you).  And if you're worried about what your sister is saying about you behind your back, I'd say, try to stop worrying about that.  Your family already knows your sister has her issues.  My guess is that they already know she's prone to lying (or extreme exaggeration).  You do NOT have to defend yourself.  I'd say, try to focus on YOU.  Get busy with your life, so that your disordered sister doesn't occupy so much headspace.

[GlobeTrotterGirl]

Couldn't agree more CC43, my aunt is everything my mum wishes she was, my aunt is a vivacious, outgoing lady who has lived a life having many interesting hobbies such as wing walking with an air acrobatic team, body building, modelling. She's outgoing and my mother hates that! My aunt coped amazingly losing her husband suddenly a year after my dad died too and that will no doubt stick in my mind throat. To make it worse, my ain't and I look alike, are just like each other in personality and are very close so again she hates it! What she does is to try and invent back stories that she had a horrific childhood to excuse why she is the way she is and make my late grandfather out to be Josef Fritzl but she was in a household of 4 adults and 3 other siblings and nobody saw anything bad happen! Interestingly my Gran had the same traits and used to make my granddad's life hell at times!

[Notwendy]

She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

I'll propose an idea that this emotional reaction you are feeling is due to the situation now, but also something hurtful in the past.

BPD mother would do the silent treatment when we were kids if she was angry at us. This was hurtful and scary at the time. If I experience something similar in the present, I also react very emotionally to that. I feel as if it must be my fault somehow and that I have to somehow fix it.

Something like this happened during the time my father passed away. BPD mother was angry at me, told her family members and some family friends to not speak to me. I have no idea what reason she gave them. What also shocked me was that they seemed to believe her. I did grieve the loss of these relationships. I think you may be feeling some grief about this.

I also think some of this grief was about losing the illusion of what I hoped and thought my family was. If they truly could just cut me off like that, what kind of relationship was this?

For BPD mother though- I think this is a common push pull pattern. Just as she'd push me away, later she'd pull. You feel like it's somehow your fault. It's not. It's a pattern.

You are also seeing a family pattern. Family members take on roles that may be dysfunctional but that keep the family in balance. When one family member changes their behavior- all family members feel a sense of discomfort. They may try to get the family member back in their pattern- but if that person doesn't- they may get angry, even cast out that member, and reconfigure themselves into a new grouping.

That happened when I also didn't want to be the rescuer, emotional caretaker and began to have boundaries. I felt these were positive changes for me but my family was circled around BPD mother's feelings and moods.

You are making positive changes for yourself and changing the cycle of dysfunction for you and your future family. Your sister is reacting to this but it's not anything you are doing wrong- it isn't your job to manage her emotions. How to cope? Therapy helps and I recommend it, to help you navigate these changes. Your fiance is supportive but he's not a professional experienced with these dynamics, and so therapy can help too. If your sister doesn't attend your wedding- it's on her- and it may be more peaceful for you if she doesn't. Also prepare for her possibly showing up, and what you would do if she escalates. (have someone designated to step out with her if she does).

[Pook075]

She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. 

Can I ask a question?  Why?  Why must you be the one to rescue her?  And when you complete the task at hand, how long until she needs another rescue? 

From the sound if it, that happens every few months.  That means you're not actually rescuing her from anything- you're placating her and it's letting her mental illness to become more extreme, more enabled.  That doesn't benefit anyone, especially you, and it's tearing you apart over something you have zero control over.

Instead, why not try a different tactic?  If your sister becomes abusive, tell her not to talk to you that way.  If it continues, tell her that you're walking away because you don't want to argue.  And afterwards, don't second-guess yourself or wonder what you could have done differently.  There's nothing you can do for your sister, but there's a lot you can do for yourself.  You have to learn to let this stuff go and not carry your sister's burdens.

Your sister is sick and she's responsible for herself.  You are responsible for you.  Those are two completely different things and you can't continue to accept her abuse and allow it to ruin your week, your month, etc.  Maybe that relationship needs some distance before it can be healthy again, and maybe she bad-mouths you horribly for considering such a thing.  That's fine though, she's mentally ill and making bad choices.  Let her live with them.  You don't have to make bad choices with her.

[Notwendy]

Can I ask a question?  Why?  Why must you be the one to rescue her?  And when you complete the task at hand, how long until she needs another rescue? 

This is true. When we enable someone, we don't actually help them in the long run.

In the context of family systems though, the role of rescuer is still dysfunctional but has a function in that family. If the pwBPD is being rescued and enabled, it relieves the overall pressure- temporarily, even if the situation does repeat itself later and isn't good for the person being enabled in the long run. When one person steps out of that role, other family members feel the discomfort and may react negatively.

Through personal work, therapy, I also gained the understanding that rescuing/enabling isn't helpful. However, in my family, it was the expected role. My father had the main role but we kids were co-enanblers. Approval from my parents was contingent on this, and kids in general want parents to approve of them.

It may not seem logical in the context of being an adult but for a child, to have parents angry at them is scary. I can relate to being scared of BPD mother and also not wanting to disappoint my father. The expected "being good" for me in my family was to people please and enable. Logically, this dynamic was the parents' doing, not the child's doing, but enabling BPD mother was the family expectation. It appears that rescuing/enabling the sister here is also a family pattern.

To change this is an emotionally healthy step but the original family is still working on their previous dynamic. The sister, (and my mother) reacting to this   "rocks the apple cart" in the family. It's changing a long standing family rule and so is scary and emotional.

It helps to have a therapist to work with for support on making these changes.

[wantmorepeace]

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her

Pushover_Pleaser, I so relate to the emotional state you are describing here.  Mostly, I just want to tell you that I get it and I feel for you.

I also want to say that while my sibling still takes up inordinate space in my brain,  and even though my emotions tweak some time, on average my emotional state has improved in a way I didn't expect.  In case it's helpful, here are some of the things I've realized/told myself that have helped: 1. I'm doing the best I can in a wild situation. 2.  What I say doesn't make a difference in the long run. 3. It's okay for her to think whatever she wants to about me -- doesn't change my reality or hers. 4. I have compassion for her but I can't cure her. 5. I deserve happiness. 

I've also done some things to calm my nervous system -- no caffeine, soothing tea instead, aromatherapy, meditation, coming on this board.

Sending you good thoughts.

[zachira]

Weddings of a close family member can be terribly triggering to people with BPD. You are terrified about the negative influence your sister can have on other family members, in other words how many people she will be able to use as "flying monkeys". I have been dealing with many "flying monkeys" in my own large extended family. It can help to make short statements like are commonly used in advertising because of how effective they are, like stating briefly something your fiance does that shows he is really a nice guy and you feel lucking to be marrying him. Talking at length about what is going on, can make it less likely you will be believed, though perhaps you would rather not give any attention to what your sister is doing, which can sometimes be a more effective alternative.