Here we go again...

[Intotheforest]

So, I have been off this board for a while. I have a sibling who I suspect has uBPD and uNCD - or at least has behavioral patterns that reflect these disorders. I have personally worked through all the things with her and with my family (who enable her), and a big part of that was establishing clear boundaries with her and her family and developing independent relationships with other family members. There are so many things, but the gist is that she is always in a battle - and the battles are always huge. She is at the center as a hero fighting for the morally just. She has been victimized and then comes out fighting like hell. The pattern has repeated itself the last forty years, with increasingly high stakes. She involves and sometimes centers her kids in these battles, to the point that they see her as their savior. And I have to say, they have been through some really tough stuff. And there are times she's perfectly pleasant. So there are times, not as many as there used to be, that I wonder if my boundaries are appropriate and I question if I am just being cold-hearted by not running to her aid when the next battle comes up. That's where I'm at now. She just got done with one major battle last year, had a couple smaller ones pop up, iced another sibling out of family gatherings (like she did me), and is starting up a whole new battle that everyone in the family is gearing up to run to support her in it again. And once again, I feel like a jerk. This battle (and most of hers) has always had some merit, so of course I want to support where I can, but like all things, it is taken to the absolute extreme. But, then I'm reminded of all the manipulation, narrative re-structuring, idealizing and devaluing of me in particular, insistence that I said and did things I never did, extreme claims, memories of her emotional responses to facts rather than facts themselves, telling me I deserve to suffer, and all the grandiose claims. I have worked through all of the past hurts, have established and maintained strong boundaries despite the fact that the rest of the family does not acknowledge her behavior as problematic. I think I've come to realize that I am responding to the behavioral pattern and the rest of my siblings are responding to each battle as they come up. I've always said I want her to have peace in her life. I don't know. Feeling gross because here we go again.

[Intotheforest]

It's the never-ending battle mode for me - and the expectation that with each new battle, everyone comes running with unconditional, unquestioning loyalty - and the anger when you fail to respond unquestioningly. And, the ways your hesitation to blindly accept is met by others as a character flaw. On repeat. Couple that with the fact that you want to be supportive in the moment from battle to battle, but recognize that this exacerbates pattern that is harmful to all involved. So you get to be the bad guy. On repeat. Yuck.

[Notwendy]

She is always in a battle - and the battles are always huge. She is at the center as a hero fighting for the morally just.

I question if I am just being cold-hearted by not running to her aid when the next battle comes up. That's where I'm at now.

I think I've come to realize that I am responding to the behavioral pattern and the rest of my siblings are responding to each battle as they come up. I've always said I want her to have peace in her life. I don't know. Feeling gross because here we go again.

I think what you recognize is a behavioral conflict pattern, clothed in some kind of "moral battle" but is actually dysfunction.

It may help to separate the dysfunctional pattern from the presumption of "morality" and see that this is drama which puts her at the center of attention.

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You want her to have peace in her life but you also can want peace for yourself. We are the ones to choose that for ourselves. She's the one in constant battle. You don't have to be.

There are many ways to help with injustice and we can choose our own causes and how to help. Let's say for example, her current issue is she's feeling like someone was injust to her, and hurt her and is rallying against domestic violence. You don't have to step into her drama but if this is a moral cause for you, you can donate to a local shelter or organization that is effective in helping with this cause. She doesn't decide your moral actions- you do.

What you do to act morally in the world is your choice, and not your sister's to decide for you.

[Intotheforest]

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.








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[Intotheforest]

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to be perceived as the "bad guy" and then have other family members in aliance with the pwBPD. It seemed that BPD mother perceived people through her projections. She saw people as being "on her side" or "not her side".  If she was angry at me, if I had boundaries- I was "not on her side".

For me, I had to form my own internal "ethics"- what I thought was being a good person and hold on to that as best as possible, no matter what BPD mother was thinking.

I didn't know what people in her circle were thinking about me.  I didn't try to clear the air- what good would that do?- whatever she said to them- they already believed her, so I didn't say anything about her. I just stayed cordial and polite around them.

You know who your "village" is- the people who see you for who you are and not as the "bad guy". These are the ones to be close to.