Six years too late? It's never too late.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's the way she processes things that turns pebbles into unstopable forces.  She does that within her mind, and it's why she struggles to forgive, to apologize, to let go of wounds.

That one got me.

Pook/Wendy; as before, very meaningful input. I'm incredibly appreciative. I took myself to my favorite park last night and let some feelings out. I'm quite good at bottling those up. I asked myself a lot of those questions... and if I'm honest, this pattern has been present throughout the duration of the relationship. Somewhere along the timeline I stopped trying to fix it and started trying to fix myself, and she did in her own path, but it was all spaghetti.

The pattern is always how horrible everyone else was. We're just over 24 hours no contact right as of writing this, and the last series of texts (I didn't respond!) were that I'm worst than all of them.

I think what's shaking my brain up right now is that for the last four years I didn't have any of *this.* I just processed in isolation. Woof.

I'm excited for my NEABPD coursework to begin. Learning from ya'll and everyone else is really helpful.

[bluebird314]

It's the way she processes things that turns pebbles into unstopable forces.  She does that within her mind, and it's why she struggles to forgive, to apologize, to let go of wounds.

That one got me.

Pook/Wendy; as before, very meaningful input. I'm incredibly appreciative. I took myself to my favorite park last night and let some feelings out. I'm quite good at bottling those up. I asked myself a lot of those questions... and if I'm honest, this pattern has been present throughout the duration of the relationship. Somewhere along the timeline I stopped trying to fix it and started trying to fix myself, and she did in her own path, but it was all spaghetti.

The pattern is always how horrible everyone else was. We're just over 24 hours no contact right as of writing this, and the last series of texts (I didn't respond!) were that I'm worst than all of them.

I think what's shaking my brain up right now is that for the last four years I didn't have any of *this.* I just processed in isolation. Woof.

I'm excited for my NEABPD coursework to begin. Learning from ya'll and everyone else is really helpful.

[Notwendy]

That one got me.

Somewhere along the timeline I stopped trying to fix it and started trying to fix myself.

The pattern is always how horrible everyone else was. We're just over 24 hours no contact right as of writing this, and the last series of texts (I didn't respond!) were that I'm worst than all of them.

I'm excited for my NEABPD coursework to begin. Learning from ya'll and everyone else is really helpful.

Truly- we can not "fix" another person. Working on ourselves is the better path- to whatever decision that leads to.

The course sounds very informative and useful. Learning about BPD can help us to understand the other person but turning the focus inward is where we can be effective.

One exercise a T taught me is when being accused of something, first consider if it is true or not. If not- then substitute something absurd like "pink elephant" for the accusation. You wouldn't react if someone called you that as you are certain you aren't one. Also, your wife calling you that doesn't make it true.

It's good you are able to have the chance to look at your own feelings.

[Pook075]

That one got me.

Pook/Wendy; as before, very meaningful input. I'm incredibly appreciative. I took myself to my favorite park last night and let some feelings out. I'm quite good at bottling those up. I asked myself a lot of those questions... and if I'm honest, this pattern has been present throughout the duration of the relationship. Somewhere along the timeline I stopped trying to fix it and started trying to fix myself, and she did in her own path, but it was all spaghetti.

The pattern is always how horrible everyone else was. We're just over 24 hours no contact right as of writing this, and the last series of texts (I didn't respond!) were that I'm worst than all of them.

I think what's shaking my brain up right now is that for the last four years I didn't have any of *this.* I just processed in isolation. Woof.

I'm excited for my NEABPD coursework to begin. Learning from ya'll and everyone else is really helpful.

In this moment, you are the worst because that's what she's FEELING.  I keep going back to that word because it's where all the chaos stems from.  She's had those same feelings with anyone she's ever become close to, and eventually they said or did something that changed her feelings.

I only brought that up to help you see the bigger picture.  This isn't a fight you versus her.  This is a fight against mental illness and you're both fighting it at the same time.  She just happens to be choosing the wrong side to fight for.

I wish you luck and patience brother.  This is still a winnable fight if you want it to be.  But first, you need a little R&R to clear your mind and actually be able to think.  Take some time and we'll talk about if the marriage is worth saving another day.

[bluebird314]

Checking in.

Last weekend was incredibly restful. No contact led way to attempts at contact this week and predictable patterns of push/pull and gushes of emotional dysregulation. I've been angry. More angry than before. I got angry with Fruzetti's book High Conflict Couples when it attempted to tell me how to validate my partner; worked myself to the realization that I struggle with validating her feelings  while keeping my own self-respect knowing how false the points are. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the Transactional Model and have been taking steps back during the occasional text spirals to assess what I'm seeing.

I do think that I contributed to her instability by way of not understanding validation... but I'm one half a situation. Resentment after resentment and insult after insult is hurled at me and I take deep breaths and respond with validating replies until she stops.

I can feel a crossroad. I don't know if I can be with this person, knowing how there will never be a recovery within this experience that gives way for my own sadness, my own chronic invalidations, and my valid and personal experience of our marriage. I just... don't see it happening. The only way forward seems to be a world where I go 100% forward as the problem and... enter the same cycle?

Anger/hopelessness. Still sleeping at my office. Mad that the home I just bought is without me. I'm without my dogs and cats and kids and things... so that she can have space? I'm giving her  that space. And I'm seeing the cycle in the text messages. The same cycle.

I'm ________ing exhausted. Separation will not end, yet.

[Pook075]

Remember the hammer analogy I gave you?  When you hit your finger with the hammer, all you can think about is pain.

As you learn to validate and calm situations, your partner will not be in that "I hit my finger with the hammer" mentality all the time.  One a scale of 1 to 10, maybe she ramps up to a 9 in intensity now.  But as you learn to validate, it builds trust and she learns to regulate her emotions much better.

For instance, when my ex walked away, she'd get to a 10 in intensity every time we talked.  Anything I said that she didn't agree with, it was explosive fury almost instantly.  But over time, as I learned to communicate a different way, our conversations haven't passed a 2 in intensity in years.  Same person, same topics...but the trust was rebuilt and I learned to validate.

Of course, I said "my ex" because we divorced.  We could have made it work though if she was willing, because we were past the worst of it and we both genuinely healed.  Our conversations today and friendly and productive.  We laugh, we make fun of our kids.  It's a good relationship and she's still 100% mentally ill and untreated.

I shared that to say that you have options here.  Walking away is certainly an option and nobody would blame you.  It's real work keeping these types of relationships healthy and it's rarely fair for the non-BPD.  But it can be turned around and it can be a healthy relationship if you choose that path.

It's good that you got angry.  It's good that you're having second thoughts.  That means you're actually processing this and seeing both sides of the coin.  Nobody here should tell you to stay or go, that's all on you.  But I'm glad that you're starting to heal and see things a little more objectively.

[bluebird314]

Remember the hammer analogy I gave you?  When you hit your finger with the hammer, all you can think about is pain.

This analogy keeps landing really well. The focus in this week's NEABPD course is a deep dive on Validation, so I'm hoping to gain from that and ask some great, dumb questions.

I'm moving into the tools part of the High Conflict book this afternoon.

I'm also making myself go out and see my friends. They're all wanting to help. It's been 6+ years of this, so I get weary bringing the same problems and cycles to them each time. As if I'm exhausting them by it, even tho they're asking about it.

Back into the caves of self exploration and revelation we go!

[ForeverDad]

I recall my divorce lawyer telling me, "Courts love counseling."  Counseling is a very good thing, no doubt about it.  However, successful therapy does not guarantee that the marriage is repaired and prospers.  It might, or it might not.

He recommended 5 years of therapy for both of us... .He gave us a warning that day, he said 'it is very possible and likely that as you go through therapy that it will cause you to divorce.'

My wife has not improved (personality disorders are a hard nut to crack...).  I have become a much healthier person and recognize my defects and have changed much of them (work in process).  As I became better... .  our marriage got even worse.  I filed for divorce 5.5 years later.

One of our most prolific posters some 5-10 years ago was JoannaK.  In a few of her posts she made an observation that meshes well with your comments.  She wrote that if persons who work to attain some recovery then they would not be the same persons as before and there was a real possibility the relationship would not survive, one or both had changed that much.