do they come back if they were the one who left?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

what happens if they are the one who left? if they initiated the abandonment?
i thought their worst fear was me leaving. so why would they erase me out of their lives. i cant deal with seeing him move on. it ruptures every fabric of reality for me and whether any of the kindness, the "i cant live without you"s were real. him coming back, breadcrumbing, would be some sort of proof for me that he understands his part. so far, 3 months of radio silence.

[wolfie123]

what happens if they are the one who left? if they initiated the abandonment?
i thought their worst fear was me leaving. so why would they erase me out of their lives. i cant deal with seeing him move on. it ruptures every fabric of reality for me and whether any of the kindness, the "i cant live without you"s were real. him coming back, breadcrumbing, would be some sort of proof for me that he understands his part. so far, 3 months of radio silence.

[Alz123]

From what I understand, it is possible for them to come back, but less likely than in a non BPD person because they have difficulty with object permanence (the ability to hold someone in mind even when not around them). It's also a protective strategy - the fear of being abandoned is so strong that they will do the rejecting to avoid the risk of being rejected.

It's so bloody painful isn't it

[Alz123]

The rest of my message didn't post for some reason.
What I went on to say is that it's so hard for a non BPD person to understand how someone can suddenly be so cold.

When he said 'I can't live without you' he probably did mean it. Unlike narcissistic PD, BPDs do feel love in their way. Unfortunately the feeling of being so close to someone is also a threat to them because of the fear of losing it, so they will often do the abandoning first.

Try to look after yourself and get the support you need. I know it's hard when every fibre in your being probably wants to hear from him but all it does is prolong the pain.

[Tupla Sport]

BPD ex no.1 came back once. She was the relatively healthy one. I would describe her "BPD wound" acting up as a bratty teenager. She sometimes went on full-blown tirades on how bad everyone else was but it was always relatively grounded. We tried being friends after dating on two different occasions but I found that she was weird and high maintenance even as a friend and she found me manipulative. She did text me once after a few years of no contact. Not sure if she meant to test me, she sent the text in English which is not our native language. Could have been testing me, could have been trying to contact someone else. The first time she dumped me and the second time I dumped her.

BPD ex no. 2 lives in my neighbourhood and I see her around sometimes but I strongly feel I'm never going to hear a peep from her. Her BPD wound manifests more like the classic emotional toddler with absolutely no control. She monkey-branched with a then-good friend of mine. It's tiresome seeing her around but I haven't mustered the will to move out because I like my current apartment. She dumped me.

[Under The Bridge]

They may come back or try to keep some sort of contact - even non-direct contact such as 'liking' your FB posts. This let's you know they're still 'out there' but without them messaging directly.

BPD's do fear being alone and it's the irony that their ability to drop partners almost instantly leads them into doing the very thing they fear.  Having said that though, some may come back because their relationship with any 'new' person has failed.  They can treat previous partners like a 'substitutes bench' - all people who are potentially still available if nothing better is on the horizon.

Not the way people should be treated but BPD doesn't allow for logical thinking and can make the sufferer very scheming and mercenary.  The thought of 'My needs at the time always come first' is the first law of BPD.

I never knew if my exBPD was seeing others during our many breakups and it was always me who ended up chasing her and getting back together, despite me being the innocent one.

So they may indeed come back but always be aware it might just be to avoid being without anyone. Also remember BPD is a repeating illness and they can leave again.

[capecodling]

I’ve had several dBPDexs and mostly they do come back.  I noticed the ones where I caught them cheating red handed or saw too many of their secrets were more likely to do a hard discard and never come back after that, but that was usually after several rounds of break ups and getting back together.  I only had 1 out of probably 5 I’ve been involved with who did a hard discard on the first breakup, but even she would show up and see what I was up to occasionally without interacting with me directly (at the same social events, etc) before she finally disappeared from my life forever, but it was obvious she wanted
me to chase after her so she could ruthlessly discard me again and fortunately I didn’t take the bait.  The others were a lot nicer, they at least tried to be cordial in the end and provide some form of closure, although the BPD version of closure is not very satisfying at all.

[Under The Bridge]

she would show up and see what I was up to occasionally without interacting with me directly (at the same social events, etc) before she finally disappeared from my life forever, but it was obvious she wanted me to chase after her so she could ruthlessly discard me again and fortunately I didn’t take the bait.

Know exactly what you mean. My ex would break up with me then start coming back into the pub where we used to go. She wouldn't speak but she was letting me know she was still there and l would end up chasing her, ignoring the red flags.

Probably knowing I'd chase her only made her worse and she'd break up again and again. No idea what she was doing when not seeing me - she might have been seeing others then only coming back to me when the new thing fizzled out. With BPD's it's always a case of 'out of sight out of mind' and it's like you never existed.

She eventually threw such a horrific tantrum where she was so detached from reality that I realised I didn't know her..and didn't want to know her any more, so when she broke up with me I didn't chase. I heard later that she'd come into the pub looking for me but this time I wasn't there.  If she'd been genuine about getting back together she could have contacted me in any number of ways so it was obvious she wasn't really bothered.

You'll never get any closure with a partner who can't appreciate your feelings and can discard you in a second - in their mind they've never done anything wrong.