Hi bgirl
Good discussion. I like the part about discussing what's important to you and looking after that, as well as the effect the counsellor is having on your wellbeing.
I too felt on guard around my ex. Not so much in the sense of a guard against
her, but more about looking at everything to see that things don't set her off. My ex dysregulated regularly, sometimes violently, and contrary to what could be a "good day"--so my state was often like carrying a blanket everywhere to put out fire. You're not alone on this one.
For now, I hope to help by offering that this blanket felt like paper at first, but when I started to get better at handling my partner effectively, the blanket became durable and effective too. Her tantrums started losing large amounts of their power.
Well done on seeing that the communication between the two of you leaves lots to be desired, and that it's not all on you. This is especially difficult to distinguish when being blamed or FOGged-out. Yes, I do think I relate on your described change in how you treat his feedback. After some time of being blamed heaps for things, we may actually start to question how far we've drifted from reality in these relationships. I think when this person makes you feel crazy, when you start to doubt the validity of your feelings, it causes you to sink deeper into uncertainty. It may cause you to lose touch with your sense of self.
So what helps here? I think it's coming to terms and accepting that BPD traits cause a lot of false accusations. Some people phrase this as the non coming to terms with an idea; the idea that what the pwBPD says is completely unrelated to the dialogue or the relationship itself. It's weird because how can content be so disconnected from what is actually underneath? That is also to say, it existed before your relationship did.
If you can accept this, I think it makes it much easier to
accept a criticism, but without consenting to it, and without showing your disagreement of it. Acceptance here will mean simply that something is causing your partner to criticise, and
allowing it to occur without feeling an urge to react on it or give in to defending your position. It's hard to do, but I think it's very, very worth it. Recall that acceptance does not equal consent.
E.g., if my ex says, "It's because of you that we fight so much". To me, I know roughly that her BPD traits are causing repeated--often circular--criticisms. I accept that she may express this for some reason. It can be an array of things (flight from pain). It can change over time (drifting sense of reality). I can simply see that relationships are not 1+0, but 1+1. I don't try and teach her this. I just let it be. Then I can choose my response. Over time, this becomes quite automatic. To me that's hopeful because it doesn't take as much effort. It ends up being, "OK, this is a dysreg" → mindful myself: OK → "which response do I want now".
I hope you'll comment on FOG as heartandwhole suggested.
Oh... .I like your focus on accountability of your own stuff.
