I had not given myself the time to find my own self and normalcy

[SuperJew82]

I was just out of a crappy divorce. I'm 34 and a professional, house, single father of two kids ( full time )... just the everyday family guy type. Totally not flashy - Jeans and T-shirts, I keep a low profile, make great money but drive an economy car - because I'm a little cheap like that.

I was a target because I had my shields down from my recent divorce - I had not given myself the time to find my own self and normalcy. I fell in love in what she was selling. She was a pretty 28 year old single mom. She was educated and into everything I was. The ex was not even in the picture at all ( har har har ). She was in a crappy situation and I was excited about coming together as a team - a family. She fit the empty puzzle piece exactly.

Borderlines do have a type: If you are willing to give them attention and overlook all the red flags - it's open season!

It was like the Universe was finally saying " Hey Roger, you know all the crappy stuff you made it through... .well I'm going to balance it out for you... .don't thank me"

Then the universe made a big farting noise with its omnipotent hand and shouted " sucker! "

-roger

[Skip]

I was a target because I had my shields down from my recent divorce - I had not given myself the time to find my own self and normalcy. I fell in love in what she was selling. She was a pretty 28 year old single mom. She was educated and into everything I was. The ex was not even in the picture at all ( har har har ). She was in a crappy situation and I was excited about coming together as a team - a family. She fit the empty puzzle piece exactly.

Many members got into these relationships at a time when they were down and susceptible to adoration and having their self esteem built up. And you are right, if you didn't take the time to go through divorce recovery and latched onto the first attractive prospect, you can get caught.

I fell in love in what she was selling.

Is this the case, really? People with BPD are notoriously impulsive and idealistic, not planned an deceptive in meeting new lovers. Would it be more accurate to say this was too wounded people coming together and hoping for a once-in-a-lifetime relationship to a second chance?

Remember, we did some immature and naive things ourselves in these relationships and our challenge now is to face life with a high level of emotional maturity and a greater level of understanding of human behavior. We want to be more mature in the breakup (and beyond) than we were in the relationship.

Then the universe made a big farting noise with its omnipotent hand and shouted " sucker! "

Or, you lined yourself up with a really emotionally immature partner and got caught up in the fantasy. I did too. We all did.

We can learn to read people and ourselves better. But we have to get past the "I was a victim of a con" thinking. pwBPD are notoriously weak, impulsive, inconsistent. The signs of an emotionally weak relationship were all there... .but we pushed them aside.

[marti644]

I hear you Super.

It's not the most fun thing to bite down on to know that you were suckered by the world's greatest con artists. My pride is so wounded. Figuring out how to rebuild it will likely take years. I'm concentrating on building those shields again and learning what makes me tick.

I agree with Skip though: they have no idea they are doing it. It's not in there nature. Nothing is predictable. And we were weak too. We incite their weaknesses and explosions with our rescuer behaviour. It's only a matter of time. I am trying not to think about her, she's lost and she has to save herself. Honestly what I have learned about those with BPD gives me very little hope that she will ever find solace. At least I have a chance to be better and find real fulfilling love, not the shadow of love that BPD's are only capable of. I feel there is consolation in that.

Hang in there man.

[Mutt]

Hi SuperJew82,

It was like the Universe was finally saying " Hey Roger, you know all the crappy stuff you made it through... .well I'm going to balance it out for you... .don't thank me"

You know this is a pretty good topic of discussion because as I read your post I was thinking about the emotion connected to that when you have found the person of your dreams and the rug gets pulled from right under you.

I was depressed and I had severe anxiety when I met my ex wife, I didn't understand what feeling depressed or anxious was at the time. I was told to stuff my feelings in when I was growing up so it was difficult to identify with feelings.

My ex lifted my anxiety and depression when I met her, she gave me everything that I ever wanted, we got married and I thought that this was the person that I was going to grow old with, then things started going south in our marriage, it was a death spiral, destructive behavior in a r/s from both sides. It's like Skip said we were both wounded, sure I felt less anxious with my ex but there's no cure for anxiety and depression, I take medication for both now but I hadn't dealt with my emotional bagaggge, where you go there you are.

It must of been a double whammy for you, I recall being a newly wed and all of the hope and dreams, divorce is one of the most difficult things to go through in life, we could feel like we failed, we're inadequate, disappointment, anger, betrayal a long list of difficult emotions. You probably felt like this was your lucky break, you found the one, maybe you felt like you made a mistake with your ex wife but your pwBPD likes everything that you like, you're a perfect match.

I completely understand how hard it is when your hopes and dreams are taken away, it helps to validate those feelings, process the emotions, are you working with a T? What are the underlying emotions?