Being the chosen one...join the club

[AustenJ]

I thought I was THE ONE to rescue her, to fix her, my love and compassion could conquer all... .I had this... .until I didn't.

As the FOG begins to lift... .finally... .maybe... .

I was discussing with my therapist about how I thought I was the "one" for my xBPDgf... .I was willing to "roll up my sleeves" and work hard for her... .taking care of her and doing things for her that I wouldn't even do for my wife of 16 years... .wash her piles of filthy dishes, pick-up her disordered apartment, organize her disorganized life... .I was like a parent to her... .

Borderlines have this unique ability to initially make you feel like the "one"... .you are their soul-mate, their one true-love, their knight in shining armor... .

But the harsh reality is that you are only the "one"... .of dozens... .in order for me to begin to heal from this intense relationship, I must now realize that there were dozens of men before me and there will be dozens of men after me that my ex will dub and treat as "the one."

I was always confident in my abilities to love unconditionally and to treat others with empathy and compassion... .which is good now, because the person that needs that empathy, love and compassion is myself as I try to repair myself and my marriage.

As the FOG lifts, many things about my relationship with a borderline and about myself, begin to become clearer, and I begin to see.

[Duped 1]

So true. I was the one, the soulmate, the one she had been waiting  40 years for, etc. She told me I might be the one within 2 weeks of dating and was pressuring for a ring within months. She even told me she would be looking for "the one" during one of our breakups-classy lady huh?

It's interesting that so many of them use the exact same language such as "the one". They are not looking for a decent human being to be a companion in and equal relationship. They are looking for some impossible magic being to fill the void in their empty soul. Something that is not possible and that they will only rage about and destroy once they realize the next "one" isn't perfect either.

[Mutt]

Hi complicated,

I was always confident in my abilities to love unconditionally and to treat others with empathy and compassion... .which is good now, because the person that needs that empathy, love and compassion is myself as I try to repair myself and my marriage.

A pwBPD want a caretaker, a helper and fixer, you're correct with taking care of yourself first, you're the only person in this world with the responsibility of taking care of you. I'd also like to add that the helper qualities are good qualities to possess, you can channel those qualities with helping others, like volunteer work.

[Reforming]

Hi complicated

It sounds like you're doing some good work in therapy. Well done - that takes guts and strength.

My view of these type of relationships is that we choose each other and then blame each other afterwards. A lot of people do this and many of them aren't disordered.

You've written about your marital frustration, your health concerns and your father's early death. I can that all of these could well play into what's happened.

I don't know your exes FOO but I would imagine that she also had issues that have shaped her behaviour and choices too

You both made choices here didn't you?

I had a relationship with a much younger women after my long term relationship ended.

If I'm honest with myself I was drawn to her youth and to her dependency. And when there's a big age difference there's usually a big inequality in experience. I'm not talking about sex here - I'm talking about life experience, knowledge and power.

I think this is common dynamic when there's a big age difference.

I don't think this women was borderline but she definitely had issues. But then so did I.

Thankfully we were both self aware enough to recognise that our attachment wasn't healthy and our relationship ended pretty amicably with causing each other major harm.

In my case it was helpful because it pinpointed my own tendencies. Rescuing is one of them

You have also described your own compulsion to rescue and mentioned that your brother and your nephew who have had similar experiences with BPDs are also professional carers.

You may already be doing this but it sounds like there might be pattern there that's worth exploring with you T

Does your wife know about your relationship with your ex?

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

[Lucky Jim]

I was always confident in my abilities to love unconditionally and to treat others with empathy and compassion... .which is good now, because the person that needs that empathy, love and compassion is myself as I try to repair myself

Hey complicated, Agree w/Mutt.  These are positive attributes that have value in a non-BPD context, do don't beat yourself up.  It sounds like you are gaining insight into your situation.  When one serves as a caretaker for another, it generally means that one is ignoring or avoiding self-care.  You are on the right track, in my view, by focusing on loving and accepting yourself, just the way you are.  You're human, so give yourself a break.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

you thought you were the one for her. did you think she was the one for you?

[Rayban]

"The One" or my personal favorite and   for the future "Soul mate " Is what she liked to use through out our time together.

The thing is she was concious of the fact that in early thirties she was burning through relationships one after the other. She knew something was wrong, and even admitted that her best friend encouraged her to seek help to understand why. What did she do? Nothing. The massive shame and her mental disorder won't allow her to accept the truth so along she goes playing the sweet little victim who is unlucky at love attracting all these bad people who won't help her. ... .Makes me sick.

Her Sickness pushes her to the point of switching from one group of people to another. From male to female, from younger to older, from professionals to unemployed. Just one happy merry go round of blaming and trying to find the one.

I wonder if this will ever stop? Maybe if she seeks treatment? Otherwise this pattern has to get old ... .No?

[Duped 1]

What did she do? Nothing. The massive shame and her mental disorder won't allow her to accept the truth so along she goes playing the sweet little victim who is unlucky at love attracting all these bad people who won't help her. ... .Makes me sick.


I can certainly relate here. She is forever the innocent victim. She said maybe God cursed her and just wanted her to be alone. Never any personal ownership or responsibility. EVER! And the pattern repeats and repeats... .

[AustenJ]

Once Removed-

She was absolutely the one for me! Even though it was totally irrational in that she wanted 5 children so they could take care of her... .and I was way past being a father... .except to her... .

[marti644]

Yep we are all in the same boat her. "She chose me" even with all my various problems.  Nice.