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Author Topic: Emotional abuse from someone whose partner has BPD  (Read 420 times)
Mary2468
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« on: March 19, 2017, 04:06:56 PM »

My brother is married to a women with an entrenched personality disorder. For reasons I don't understand my sister-in-law is very fixated on my family, often expressing hatred for us and fabricating stories about our behaviour. My parents and I have grown used to her sending us emotionally abusive messages, but most recently my brother (her husband) has started sending the emotionally abusive messages and believing her false stories about our behaviour. It is breaking mine and my parents hearts. Does anyone have similar experiences? Or know why my brother is behaving in this way? He does not a personality disorder & has no history of mental problems or abusive behaviour. They have 3 young children, all under 5.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 07:02:23 AM »

Hi Mary2468,

Hi this must be very frustrating for you. But it is typical BPD behaviour. Those with a PD often feel jealousy, if you have anything they don’t. They also tend to isolate their partners, such that they control the message and propaganda. This propaganda is then used to keep their partners isolated and loyal to them.  A BPD is also extremely skilled in getting others to do their dirty work, there’s even a term for it, “flying monkeys".
 
For example each time my BPD mother gave me a noticeable bruise, when my father came home she would beg him to take the belt to us, probably to cover her tracks. Half the time she just wore him down, so he pretended to do it. But she was always well behaved when relatives were around. So I would encourage you to keep contact.

This is easy to say but hard to do, but don’t be too upset your brother is doing this, he probably thinks he’s doing what’s in his wife’s best interest and he will be working off false news, alternative facts or whatever you want to call it. He will probably never get any piece unless he does this for his wife. But as his wife has your brother 24/7 it is unlikely you will win the propaganda war.  However there are many techniques to better deal with someone with BPD, to help you avoid more of the wrath. Just give us some examples of the behaviour and we can suggest some techniques for dealing with that.  I hope this is of help.  
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Mary2468
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 05:47:58 PM »

Many thanks for your response Happy Chappy. Unfortunately my brother has cut off contact with me and this means I am unable to see the children. His rational for doing this is that I won't accept that there is something wrong with me, and it is 'patronising' to suggest his wife is suffering with a PD, & by not accepting her propaganda about me and my parents I am proving that i 'don't care about him' as apparently mine and my parents behaviour is 'ruining' his marriage. I don't know what to do as my parents and I are kind decent people & never done anything intentionally to upset her. She is fixated on things that happened years ago, for example 6 years ago at her wedding she did not like the shoes I was wearing and she keeps on saying to my brother, which he believes, that no one respects me (quite untrue!). Therefore I don't really know how to move past it, as i don't want to accept her lies and twisted stories about myself and parents.
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blueleaf

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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 07:20:42 PM »

Hi Mary2468,
  I'm new here too, so I can't give great advice.  But I just wanted to let you know that my mom, who has BPD traits, has been constantly telling all of us how evil and underhanded my dad's mother and sister are, for at least 30 years.  I started to believe it about my aunt (because I didn't know her well).  She's a master of twisting the truth and getting a rise out of people.  My dad constantly opposed her, which lead to a very unstable family. 

I can understand if your brother is undergoing something similar.  My dad actually had to write letters to my aunt to disown her and call her to reprimand her (he warned her ahead of time).  I'm so sorry that you seemed to have lost your brother over this.  I truly hope it's temporary, but I honestly don't have any clue on how you should deal with this. Hope you can find help soon!
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 04:00:54 AM »

Hi Mary2468,

I’m sorry that you’ve been cut out in this way. I hope you realise this is standard procedure for a BPD to isolate their partner, especially if they feel under attack. So if it’s any consolation, your behaviour was probably irrelevant.  Your example of the wrong shoes, could be aimed at anyone, as it’s subjective. But it’s the skill of the BPD that turns this complaint into a major issue. Probably the best thing you can now do, is keep the door ajar. Send birthday cards etc.

You mentioned that you cannot accept her lies, which is a very natural stand point. But be aware a BPD must win, so much so they will destroy everything around them before and still not admit defeat on pain of death. So I doubt she will allow anyone to see her husband that she doesn’t see as on her team. It's know as black and white thinking.

Also a BPD cannot accept blame. So they leave us with very few options. But the good news is that there are known techniques for dealing with a BPD, that help us get the best out of them. So sounds like you’re in a circular argument with your BPD, here’s a way of dealing with that:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

Also we need to choose our words carefully with a BPD, so here’s a way of doing that:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

A BPD will give us little choice, they must control absolutely. They make great Dictators. But you can maybe make subtle hints to your brother. Maybe recommend films or books about someone with BPD. Maybe you can draw parallels with famous people with a PD (e.g. Madonna, Trump etc... ). But if you  are currently barred, then that’s limited. My BPD would open everyone else mail, listen in (on an extension) to phone calls. So be aware of all that. But one final thought, a BPD loves a celebration about themselves, so I’m sure if you make a fuss over her birthday whilst making it clear you are now on her teem etc... she may soften. But I do appreciate this goes against the grain, but so do BPD. But feel free to use this forum to talk through any more frustration. Best of luck, play the long game.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2017, 06:33:10 PM »

This is heartbreaking. I experienced this with my parents - BPD mom. It was one of the ways she influenced my relationship with my father at the end of his life. She told him lies about me. He acted as if he believed her. I'd like to think he didn't but I don't know. I don't blame him. He was old and sick and 24/7 of her badgering him would overwhelm anyone. If there is any consolation it is that I hope it brought him some peace. I was despondent.

It helped me to understand the drama triangle. My mother had to have something to be a victim of. My fathers role was as rescuer. If she presented someone as her persecutor, the rescuer/victim bond was strong. It also took the focus off their issues as they both looked at a common persecutor to blame. I think that other women are seen as a threat to a woman with BPD. Of course the love a husband has for his mother, sister or daughter isn't the same as marital love and doesn't compete with it. Yet I don't think my mother was content if my father felt that way about his female relatives.

Although your brother may feel he has to make this choice - it is important to not see him as a victim. He is responsible for making it too. That is hard to accept. However you must not see him this way or attempt to rescue him from her. This is my own opinion but it fuels the drama triangle and the bond between them.

In my experience a good position is neutral and non reactive- even if you are feeling hurt. If you cut contact- you prove her right that you don't care about him. If you keep pushing-  they will push you away. Brief and occasional and not emotional communication helps keep the door open. This means Christmas cards, happy birthday texts " thinking of you on your birthday". Send small Easter treats for the kids. Even if your brother and his wife throw them out or send a nasty reply - don't react. This isn't for them/ it's you taking the high road in this mess.

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DaddyBear77
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2017, 04:15:20 PM »

I know this thread was posted a while ago, but it really struck me, so I wanted to reply.

Mary2468, I am a brother very much like yours. My wife has undiagnosed BPD and NPD traits. She expresses almost relentless hatred and contempt for my brothers and my parents. She has demanded that I "come to my senses" and realize how horrible they are. She is convinced that my parents (specifically my mother) has a single-minded goal of destroying our marriage and "winning me back." I'm distilling the message down to it's most basic components but understand that the process of wearing me down has been ongoing for almost the entire 17 year length of our relationship / marriage. It's like the proverbial frog in a pot of water that is slowly brought to a boil.

At several points in the past 17 years, I've been complicit in joining her attacks. The week before our wedding, my soon-to-be-wife demanded that I call my parents and tell them to change their hotel reservations because their room was too close to ours. My parents ended up needing to move to an entirely different hotel because of that. In the past 4 years, I've written and sent three separate letters / e-mails telling my parents "in my words" how horrible they've been to me, my pwBPD, and our relationship.

I make no excuses - I am personally responsible for every action that I've taken. I am accountable for my actions, and as I try and repair the relationship with my parents and my brothers, the road is hard and slow. There is so much pain, and although my parents are really bad at expressing their feelings, it still comes out. My brother is different - he's really hurt and he has vented (respectfully) several times.

My advice - don't give up. Don't accept bad behavior, but don't respond with anger. Let him know how much it's hurting you. Don't bottle it up. Don't hold it back. Things might get worse before they get better. Only your brother can make the choice to stay or leave.

I am sorry for your loss and I feel for you in this time of pain.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2017, 05:37:40 PM »

Daddybear- did you mean those things when you wrote/said them to your family? Or were you only doing it because you thought you had to do it to make your wife happy?


This is a hard thing for me to understand.



 
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DaddyBear77
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2017, 07:27:11 PM »

Daddybear- did you mean those things when you wrote/said them to your family? Or were you only doing it because you thought you had to do it to make your wife happy?

It's a little complicated.

I started out firmly believing that there was / is nothing seriously wrong with my FOO. If my pwBPD hadn't been in my life, I would never have stopped contacting them. Would I have issues I needed to work out? Sure. But certainly nothing insurmountable.

But isolation and constant exposure to the intense criticism from my pwBPD led me to blow things WAY out of proportion. Is my pwBPD right? Does she know something I don't? You doubt yourself.

And then, when D3 was born, things took a whole new twist. The threat was "cut off contact with your parents or else I take our newborn and run for the hills!" What do I say here? I thought really long and really hard about leaving, but in the end, the prospect of divorcing, fighting for custody, well, I decided to stay.  She asked me to PROVE that I had gone NC, so I wrote my first email while she watched and approved every word. Luckily, my parents saw through it, and when I went behind my pwBPD's back and re established contact, they were so happy. This cycle repeated 2 more times until finally I am still in contact.

So I guess the answer is no, I didn't believe it. But I felt I had no choice.

Does that help?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2017, 06:01:04 AM »

You've brought up an important thing. If the person with BPD doesn't like the relationship- he or she may say negative things over time- sometimes just a snippet- but they add up. They can cause self doubt, and over time influence how their spouse perceives the person they cared about.

My mother didn't like my father's FOO but we kids did and so do my kids. I think it irked my mother that my kids did. She knew better than to flat out paint an aunt of mine black to me, but every once in a while she'd slip enough remarks in to where I would think "is that true". However my mother also blatantly lied and it is hard to know if what she says is true or not.

She has said all kinds of things about me that are not true to her FOO and my father. Eventually I realized that these people didn't know me at all. They only thought they knew me through what my mother told them. Trying to change this image seemed like a losing battle. They'd hear two versions of "reality" -  hers/ mine and not know who to believe.

I tried, desperately, for my relationship with my father. But really- I didn't stand a chance. I learned later that he limited contact with his own FOO even before my parents had children. We speak here about boundaries but my mothers wishes seemed to be the center of our FOO.

They say" hurting people hurt other". The pwBPD is hurting and their partners want to help soothe their hurts. But without boundaries it can cause them to hurt others who care about them.

For Mary- your brother is being hurtful but I doubt he knows the extent of it or if he can see clearly through the FOG to know. Keep the door to your relationship open-he may want to reconnect one day. To Daddybear - if your FOO means anything to you then please try to be kind to them, even if it's not easy to do.

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