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Author Topic: I want out so badly  (Read 488 times)
neocarbunkle

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« on: March 24, 2017, 04:03:45 PM »

Hey everyone 

I have a lot to say, so I am going to try and sum it up as best that I can.
  • My wife is Japanese, we met in Japan, she doesn't speak English, we speak Japanese together. She got a green card and now we are in the USA.
  • When I was dating her, I knew she was overly shy, more concerned about her appearance than most girls, and really struggled in social situation.
  • Leading up the wedding, she had freak outs and out bursts of anger and I attributed that to being a Bride-zilla.
  • After getting married, I learned that she took medication and that I would be responsible for managing it for the rest of my life, because she will abuse it. Also that she had something I would translate as ":)isabled Person's Card" in Japan.
  • Her rage quickly became very common and very violent. At first she would attack me a lot, but she changed that to hurting herself. When she does go into a rage, it really like the poltergeist. I have to physically restrain her while she tries to bite me!
  • She completely and wholly hates my entire family, and will often go out of her way to remind me.
  • She is unbelievably self centered, and we never go where I want to go, eat what I want to eat, or do what I want to do. She never asks how my day was, what I am feeling, what kind of dreams I have in life, etc.
  • She also suffers from major depression, social anxiety, and body dysmorphic disorder. She yells at me if I try and look at her naked. That combined with the terrible way that she treats me and her completely and utter disinterest in sex, has completely ruined any sort of romantic life.
  • She does not have the mental capacity to support herself. She can't drive, she can't go the the grocery store by herself. She can't work. She can't even figure out how to use the can opener!
  • She regularly says the most hurtful and painful things to me, and if I try to stand up for myself, she gets angrier and angrier. She has told that she expects me to just shut up and listen to it.
  • For three years I have begged, pleaded, bribed, and screamed so that she will understand that I want a divorce. She refuses to acknowledge it. When I bring it up, she will be really angry and then later act like nothing happened.
  • The only other human relationship she has is her mother, who lives in Japan.
  • Her mother is an enabler to her bad behavior and blames everything on me. She has threatened (I know she can't do it) to sue me if I abandoned her daughter. She once said that she and my wife should go to my parents house and kill themselves in front of them because I am such a terrible person.
  • She once mockingly told her mother all of my deep personal secrets.
  • My wife was recently released from a psychiatric hospital because she went into a particularly bad rampage and I called the police.

I want an end to all of this, but unless I just don't come home one day and deal with the unavoidable fact that the police will tell me they found her dead body in our apartment, I can't get out. I have no reason to think that she will ever get a job, make friends, have a life, or have any way of having anything that I don't do for her. I don't know what to do. I just can't stand to be around her. It is Friday night right now, and I really don't want to leave the office... .


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Sadly
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« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2017, 04:22:17 PM »

Hello and welcome here,
I am so very sorry you find yourself in this situation, it sounds awful. To be honest I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am hoping someone more experienced will come along soon to help as to me there seems to be far more going on with your wife than BPD. it must be very frightening for you. Just hang on in there and help will come. Take strength from the fact you are now not alone with this.
Love from
Sadly   
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2017, 05:19:27 AM »

Hi neocarbunkle,

Welcome

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds extremely stressful. It's really understandable that you have feelings of wanting out. In your shoes, I know I'd feel the same.

You've found a great place for support. This site has members who have been in similar situations and understand the challenges. There are also loads of tools and resources that can help. You are not alone! There is a way through this, and we'll walk with you.  

You've said you want out, but at the moment it's not feasible. For that reason, I encourage you to check out the Improving board. That might sound counterintuitive given what you've written, but the reason I'm suggesting it is because there you will find tools that can defuse this situation and help you be able to leave work without a knot in your stomach, and knowing that you can handle what might be waiting for you at home.

What are you doing for self-care, neo? Eating right, getting enough rest, exercise?

It's important to rally as much support around you as possible. Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
neocarbunkle

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2017, 08:18:10 AM »

Thank you for your kind words.

It is really hard to do self care, because I get so little time away from her. It's like how dare I go out and do something while she HAS to be home all day by herself. I don't have any friends or family where I live. My new job has more flexibility, so I am going to try and start seeing a counselor again. In fact, it was another particularly bad weekend and I think I might call the counselor today... .

There is a lot more than BPD going on. Honestly I didn't know it was possible for people to be this mentally ill.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2017, 03:16:56 PM »

In fact, it was another particularly bad weekend and I think I might call the counselor today... .

I think that is a great idea. It can help so much to have a knowledgeable, empathic, and objective ear.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
bananas2
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« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2017, 03:18:26 PM »

Neo - Hello & welcome to the family.

I'm so terribly sorry you are going thru all this. What an awful burden to bear. I can't stop thinking about your post since I read it this morning. I read your post bc the subject line "I want out so badly" truly resonated with me. I too am in a situation where I want to escape, but can't. I'm disabled & can't live on my own & my abusive BPD husband contributes almost all the income & provides my health insurance which I so desperately need. I am equally isolated (few friends and family nearby).
It is a great step for you to try to start seeing a counselor again. I hope that you make that a priority as a step towards self-care. I hear that it is difficult for you to find time for self-care, but I can't stress enough how important it is. Since you don't have much time for yourself, there are things you can do that take very little time. Create a positive inner dialogue. Talk to yourself in your car on your way to and from work and tell yourself that you are strong, competent, caring, loving, and deserving of love and respect (even if you aren't getting that respect right now). A positive inner-dialogue is essential to well-being. You can even make a "self-care kit" - physical items that soothe you. If your only time alone some days is in the bathroom, then keep it there. For example, my "kit" contains stress balls, play dough, song lyrics, poems, etc. Think about things that make you happy, put them in the kit, & enjoy them in the few moments you have to yourself.
I agree with heartandwhole that posting in the "Improving" board is a good idea. I often post there even though I want out of my relationship. Bc if you can't get out, the only thing you can do right now is play the hand you've been dealt. It doesn't have to be about improving your r/s, it can be about improving you, helping yourself & minimizing conflict.
I hope you find some solace here on this board. Feel free to private message me for extra support if you need it.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2017, 10:35:15 PM »

Hi neocarbunkle:     

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you and to express how sorry I am to hear about your situation.  It can be tough to decide what to do and it has to be distressing to not have any family and friends close enough to reach out to.  I'm glad you are thinking about some counseling for yourself.  It can be very helpful to have a professional to talk to.

Quote from: neocarbunkle
There is a lot more than BPD going on. Honestly I didn't know it was possible for people to be this mentally ill.

I'm not someone who is able to diagnose mental illness, but when I read your first post, I had to wonder if there was a lot more than BPD in play with your wife.  You indicate she doesn't even know how to use a can opener.  I'm sure there are can openers in Japan.  Do you have any thoughts about that?  Could there be an IQ issue?

Quote from: neocarbunkle
After getting married, I learned that she took medication and that I would be responsible for managing it for the rest of my life, because she will abuse it. Also that she had something I would translate as ":)isabled Person's Card" in Japan.

It has to be disturbing for you that this information was not shared before marriage.  Have you talked to a lawyer, so that you can consider all your options?  Just wondering if when something so profound as the degree of her mental illness is withheld, whether there is some legal option for something like an annulment.

If you wanted children, it would seem like it wouldn't be possible without doubling your distress.  If you wife can't take care of herself, she cant't care for a child.  Then there would be the possibility of passing on the mental illness to a child.



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neocarbunkle

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2017, 02:03:34 PM »

Naughty Nimbler,

There is definitely some sort of learning disability going on. For the longest time she would constantly ask me how much things were at stores in the US, even though $1 = 100 yen (for the most part). All she had to do was ignore the decimal point... .She can't deal with numbers in any sense, and you can imagine how difficult that makes budgeting.

The biggest kicker about the marriage is that I am a religious guy, and in my religion there are legal civil marriages but there are also religious marriages. I legally married her with the express intent of having a religious marriage six months later. But once the wedding was over, she stopped going to church. And in her more BPD moments, has called my religion a cult. Out of all of the things she has done, that one might hurt the most.

I should talk to a lawyer, and it is on my to do list. But rather than the legal aspect of leaving her, I am worried about the practical aspects. When she was hospitalized, they couldn't do anything for her because it was so hard to get a translator.

OncehadMoxie,

That also is a very bad situation to be in. Not to get on a political topic, but it sure would be nice if we weren't forced to stay in jobs/relationships we don't want to be, just because of insurance. The pay at my last job was terrible, but the insurance was good and my wife needed surgery.

But I can imagine the feeling of powerlessness you must have in that situation.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2017, 06:31:54 PM »

Hi again neocarbunkle:   

Quote from: neocarbunkle
The biggest kicker about the marriage is that I am a religious guy, and in my religion there are legal civil marriages but there are also religious marriages. I legally married her with the express intent of having a religious marriage six months later. But once the wedding was over, she stopped going to church. And in her more BPD moments, has called my religion a cult. Out of all of the things she has done, that one might hurt the most.
I'm so sorry.  I can hear that your religion is important to you.  I can understand how much of a disappointment it must be for you that your wife quit going to church and then calls your church a cult.

Have you spoken to a church focal, to perhaps give you some religious counsel, in regard to your choices with your marriage?

Do you think your wife understood the principles of your faith, or was she telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get married?  Did your wife follow a different religion in her past, before marriage?

Do others in your church speak Japanese?  Might her inability to speak English be part of the problem?
Quote from: neocarbunkle
I should talk to a lawyer, and it is on my to do list. But rather than the legal aspect of leaving her, I am worried about the practical aspects. When she was hospitalized, they couldn't do anything for her because it was so hard to get a translator.

Any chance she can learn to speak English?  Lots of apps, online classes, etc.

Have you tried to find a therapist for your wife who speaks Japanese? 

You have a unique situation, due to the fact that your wife is in the US with a green card. While considering your options, you may need to consult an immigration attorney.  Should you make a choice to divorce, your wife might have to go back to Japan to live with her mother/parents. 

You have a lot of things to think over and consider.  Have you had a chance to get to a therapist yet?  Not only will a therapist be helpful, by giving you someone to talk to, the therapist can help guide you in making some decisions.

I think someone suggested that you might want to post on the "Improving" board to communicate about using some of the communication skills with your wife, to help improve communications.  Even if you choose to not post there, you can still go there and check out some of the lesson links in the right hand margin, or the Lessons Thread that is tacked to the top of the threads.

Have you tried using any strategic communication skills with your wife, in the past?



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neocarbunkle

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2017, 03:29:47 PM »

Naughty Nibbler

I think my wife just lacks the capacity to think deep about anything. I have spent so many hours trying as hard as I possibly could to explain things as easy as possible, and she just stares back at me with either confused or disinterested eyes.

We are super lucky and found two people in our church who speak Japanese, but while she isn't against going to church, it is just such a low priority compared to things like shopping to her.

I really want to get her a therapist or a counselor, but it is slim pickings. I actually found a counselor who speaks Japanese, but my wife HATES her. When my wife was in a psychiatric hospital, she basically didn't receive any treatment because they could only get a translator one time for half an hour. We have an appointment with a psychiatrist and hopefully they will help set up a therapist, but everything will have to be done through a translator.

I honestly feel like I'm just stuck here in this situation until the day she succeeds in killing herself.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2017, 10:41:16 PM »

Hi again neocarbunkle:  

Quote from: neocarbunkle
We are super lucky and found two people in our church who speak Japanese, but while she isn't against going to church, it is just such a low priority compared to things like shopping to her.  

That's great that you found a couple at church that speaks Japanese!  Even though it might be frustrating and like pulling teeth, keep trying to get her to church.  Perhaps over time, she can feel comfortable with this couple and a friendship can develop.  How about getting the couple to join you and your wife to dine out for a meal, after a church service?

Quote from: neocarbunkle
I really want to get her a therapist or a counselor, but it is slim pickings. I actually found a counselor who speaks Japanese, but my wife HATES her. When my wife was in a psychiatric hospital, she basically didn't receive any treatment because they could only get a translator one time for half an hour. We have an appointment with a psychiatrist and hopefully they will help set up a therapist, but everything will have to be done through a translator.    

In case things don't work out with a referral from the psychiatrist, here are some possible ways to find a therapist:

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY
After you enter your zip code, look at the menu to the left side.  If you click on the plus sign for "more", you will find mental health categories such as "borderline personality".  You can, also, select "Japanese" as the language.  Click on that search criteria. You should get a selection to check out.  When I use this search strategy, I get several pages of psychologists and can then look at individual profiles for further info.  Not all of those listed from the query will fit your need. Things will differ in accordance with where you live.  If you live in a small city or rural area, you will need to broaden your geographical search.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/
 
THE LINEHAN INSTITUTE:
You can find a DBT therapist in the U.S. with this resource.  Since DBT is a common therapy used for those with personality disorders, therapists certified in DBT should be a good choice for a non dealing with someone with BPD.

One other way is to find a therapist, is to locate the best hospitals in your area for psychiatric care.  Call each one and ask for the Psychiatric Unit Nurse Manager or Medical Staff Administrative Assistant.  Ask for some names of psychologists who treat personality disorders (best to not narrow it down to BPD, but be more generic).

How about some therapy for you?

It will help you to get back some level of a social life.  :)oes your church have a men's group you could get involved in.  Most churches have opportunities to mingle with other members.  Sometime, it's for the purpose of studying religious doctrine, other times it can be for the purpose of supporting some church activities or causes.  

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Panda39
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« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2017, 06:56:01 AM »

I honestly feel like I'm just stuck here in this situation until the day she succeeds in killing herself.

Hi Neo,

I wanted to give you something to read about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to read.  My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and he was in the FOG when I first met him and is very common with many on these boards... .I hear this happening with you too.

You obviously care about your wife, and are a good guy trying to do the right thing both for her and yourself but that is hard to do when you can't see through the FOG. 

You have a lot going on and this is just one piece of the puzzle but I have found seeing some of the dynamics going on behind the surface really helpful in finding better ways to deal with the situation/relationship.

Link to more on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I also wanted to point out the box to the right each item there is actually a link to more information -----> (The Improving Board will also have a similar box)

With all that you have going on just take it one thing at a time... .IMHO you start with you, get yourself to therapy, make it a priority.  It's like the oxygen mask demonstration on an airplane, you have to take care of you by putting your mask on first before you are in a position to help anyone else.

Hang in there,
Panda39
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cj488
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« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2017, 07:08:44 PM »

www.mkp.org may help you. 48 hour weekend to start.
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