UBPD mother broke into our home, police involved

[flower211]

I'm writing this in the hopes of getting support and validation for my husband. His mother (my mother in law) came into our home yesterday evening without being invited, began going through her son's office and belongings (in a move of spite to take back anything that belonged to her that he had borrowed).
My husband- her son- got very upset when he came down the stairs and saw she was inside our house, taking things. (She rang the doorbell, and my 6 year old, thinking it was his neighbor friends, unlocked the door, and she barged right in). He shouted at her to get out of the house, that she needs to leave. She refused, and he began to nudge her towards the door (all while she is now holding a revolver that is hers and some books), as she was walking backwards, she tripped. At this point, I come downstairs cuz I hear him shouting and her screaming and sobbing hysterically, "Stop it! Get your hands off of me!" And I see him catch her and fall with her onto the ground (to break her fall). At this point all our children are involved, standing around watching this scene in horror (they are 8, 6, and 3). I shoo them into the next room (they don't need to see this, poor traumatized kids) and she leaves, smashing into our garbage cans outside as she backs up in her jeep.
This situation is complex. My mother (who I suspect has a quiet, mild BPD along with major depression) is living with his mother. Mother1 (his mom) has decided she hates my mom (I'll call her mother2) and has been demanding we take her in to live with us (no can do- already had her stay here for 4 months, and she refused to work, wrecked my car and lied about it- again... .complex). I called my mom after this was over to ask if she knew what was going on. She told me she was barracated in her bedroom with the chair up against the door in fear, that mother1 had been pounding on the door so hard she almost broke it down. My husband didn't want to call the police. You see, he works with his father (his mother and father are seperated, but still married) and he didn't want to make even bigger waves.
Then he gets a text from his father saying he's in deep "crap", his life is over, how dare he treat his mother this way, etc etc. That's when my husband finally agreed, "Let's report this to the police." So we called, they came over. We explained what happened. It turns out, SHE called literally 5 minutes before we did, claiming her son (my husband) assaulted her, that he hit her and kicked her on the ground (all bold face lies, we were all here and saw what happened). The cop charged her with Disorderly Conduct, a class 1 misdemeanor. She will now have to go to court. He suggested we file a restraining order, which is free. The cop then went over to mother1 and mother2's home to check on my mom, told my mom if mother1 threatens her or hits her again (she has once already), to call him immediately or dial 911.
My husband... .I found him on the ground in the bedroom laying on the floor, sobbing. "Why would she do this to me? Why would she want to ruin my life? Why doesn't my dad believe me?"
Then later, mother1 sends my husband, her son, a text that reads:
"Never call or speak to me again. You are dead to me."

My husband is really struggling with this. I've known she has mental issues and undiagnosed BPD for years, but he never really accepted it. Now that he's the subject of her hatred and character assasination, he is beginning to understand, and of course, it hurts. He's asking me if he's a bad son, did he do the wrong thing?
I'm hoping some of you hear will connect with and maybe reach out to me and him on here so he can see that he is not alone, and that this has happened to others before. That he is NOT a bad person for standing up for himself or his family, that none of this emotional blackmail is HIS fault. That he has rights, that we all do, to safety and peace of mind.
It keeps coming back to that old, "Honor thy father and thy mother" guilt he is having.
"But she's my mother," he says. I have to remind him, just because she's your mother, does that give her the right to cuss at you, to verbally abuse you, to violate your boundaries and spread lies and false accusations about you?

Please send you support. Thank you in advance. <3

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Flower211! 

I am so very glad that you've come and shared some of your story with us! And such a story it is! I am so very sorry, and how your hearts must hurt so much. Extra hugs for you both.   

We really are a family here. There are understanding and kind hearts that will walk alongside of you and listen when you need it. One of the best things to me about our online family is that we are all in the same boat together, facing the issues of a BPD in our lives. Mine was my uBPDm, like your DH (dear husband's).

The column on the right hand side is a good place to start.------>> > Any sentence you click on will open up with more info. Start up at the top. Take it slow and be kind to yourselves. You've had tons of recent drama and will need emotional rest. What kind thing can you each do for yourselves soon? Sometimes for me it is as simple as a quiet walk in the park or perhaps a latte from a coffee shop. What will you pick?

Here is a great link for you to start out with reading since I believe it applies to the current situation. FOG is one of the most common behaviors of a pwBPD. I lived with it for so long. My struggle is less after having been in T. Is that something you would consider to help you walk through what is going on?

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Please keep posting!
 
Wools

[flower211]

  Thank you for your compassion and I'm so very grateful for this community. Yes, I have had years of therapy, as well as Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step meetings to help me discovery my boundaries, my love for myself, and overcome codependent tendencies as well as recognize them in others. My husband has had some therapy, for anger issues (no doubt related to growing up in such an abusive and dysfunctional home) but he hasn't yet committed to long term therapy. It's something I am working on with him, trying to get him to go. He's been through a lot. Anyway, very much appreciate any and all support. 

[OceanMadness]

I'm brand new here, but I just wanted to say, the love and compassion you feel toward your husband is so moving and inspiring. And as a child of a parent with BPD I know how critical that support is to his healing. It speaks to his own resilience that, despite all the negative input he received as a child, he chose such a loving partner to share life with.

Healing is not going to be easy for him as long as his life is so inextricably tied up in his dysfunctional family. I raised my eyebrows that your Mom is living with his, but on top of that, he's working for his father? Yikes. I don't mean that in a judgmental way, just that I can't fathom how he would begin to heal when so much of his identity and his livelihood are wrapped up in his extended family life. I think he could benefit from re-evaluating his boundaries. A PPO would be a good start but long-term therapy will help him begin to see all the ways he has enmeshed himself in this painful situation.

Best of luck to you.

[flower211]

What is a PPO?
Thank you. I love him very very much, and see the hurt he is in. I understand because I, too, have been the target of his mother's annhilitory rage and attempts to assasinate my character by spreading lies and slander about me to anyone who would listen. But this action she took- filing a false police report and trying to put her own son in jail? This takes the cake.
I think I need therapy, as well. I mean, MORE therapy, in regards to this entire mess. I'm not seeing a therapist right now, but I'm going to look into it again. I'm finding myself on constant high alert, hypervigilance. It's an exhausting adrenaline fight or flight mode that I can't shut off right now, and with an autoimmune disease (I have MCTD/Lupus) I can't be like this. I will get sick.
I'm very grateful for this forum and the people here. My husband said to me last night, "Who gets treated this way by their own parents? " I immediately told him about this group, and that he is not alone. That there are others who suffer from the effects of this twisted heart wrenching disorder.
I can't begin to imagine how he is feeling right now. His mother texted him, "You are dead to me." It's sick. But I know she is very very sick and disturbed, as well as on drugs (she has fibromyalgia and abuses morphine and xanax). I don't know how he survived as a child.
My husband is an amazing man with a heart of gold. He has a wicked temper at times, which is something he has gotten help for in the past and is getting better at controlling, but how could you live in an environment with a mother who can praise you one moment and the next abuse the crap out of you, even going so far as to bash his head against a counter when he was only 6 years old. All of these memories from his childhood are beginning to come forward, and I'm encouraging him to seek professional help. I've mentioned DBT, and I'm wondering if this would be helpful for him as well? I understand that BPD is generational, reason being the behaviors of the parent (in this case, mother) shape and mold the behaviors of the child, who, due to the horrific mental, emotional, and physical abuse, becomes broken and fractured inside, thereby possibly continuing the cycle onto the next generation. My husband doesn't have BPD. Of this, I am certain. The fact that he asks if he has it and is concerned, speaks volumes. But he does carry core trauma wounds and he was forced to acquire certain behaviors in order to survive his childhood- behaviors that, as an adult, are dysfunctional. It's the core trauma and behaviors that need healing.

Anyway, I appreciate any and all input and support. I will be showing this thread to him today. Much 

[hope2727]

Welcome. I am so so sorry for your struggle. Please tell your husband he is not alone. Also if it feels appropriate share my story.

I ended my relationship with my father about 15 years ago. I would write out the details but its just another story among many. Suffice is to say that it was a I tried to be a good daughter he was a disordered personality and it was hopeless. There were costs to ending contact. I had to grieve. I lost him my siblings, faced endless criticism and judgement and so on and so forth. My father died last summer. Everyone said I would be sorry when he died that I hadn't made peace with him. I wasn't. I was indifferent. I was at peace. I had grieved my loss long ago. I had to grieve the relationship I wanted not the one I actually had. He was never ever going to be the father I wished for.

Ending my familial ties was hard but necessary. I am better for having done so. My life is lonely but peaceful. I no longer dread the phone ringing or the door bell. I no longer agonize what my family members will do or how they react to my choices and decisions. I just live my life and they live theirs and I have no knowledge of them or they of me. It is for the best.

A counsellor told me that I fill an important role in my family. I am the scape goat. I no longer participate or defend myself so they can all vilify me. This allows my siblings to remain close to one another and reduces their conflict as everything is my fault. So I get to live a peaceful happy life and they get to feel united with a common enemy. So there is a silver lining in every cloud.

I wish you peace and healing. There are some good reads on the book list here and some deal with disordered parents. Please keep  coming back and writing. Perhaps your husband would like to read or write here too. I find it very helpful.

[Panda39]

Hi Flower211,

I want to join Wools, OceanMadness and Hope2727 in welcoming you to the BPD Family    I come at BPD from another angle my SO (Significant Other) has an uBPDex (undignosed BPD ex-wife) and they have 2 daughters.  So I like you am coming at this from the outside in.  You and I have a different perspective because we are not part of the original dysfunctional dynamic... .now that doesn't mean we don't come with our own issues  buuuut, looking from the outside in can be really helpful.

I'm very grateful for this forum and the people here. My husband said to me last night, "Who gets treated this way by their own parents? " I immediately told him about this group, and that he is not alone. That there are others who suffer from the effects of this twisted heart wrenching disorder.

I'm so happy you shared this forum with your husband, I hope he will join us too.  My SO and I are both members and we have found it really helpful to speak the same language, and collaborate on strategies when negotiating his ex.

My husband... .I found him on the ground in the bedroom laying on the floor, sobbing. "Why would she do this to me? Why would she want to ruin my life? Why doesn't my dad believe me?"

Your husband is not alone in having a BPDmom and enabling dad it seems to be a common pairing. (Dad is avoiding becoming the target of mom's rage by going along to get along... .understandable but incredibly selfish when your child then becomes the target)

There is a book you might want to read called Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

This is for your Husband... .
I don't have a BPDmom but have a critical mom that until I was 47 years old, I tried to please, to live up to expectations, believed her negative comments, felt bad about myself because I couldn't gain her approval... .during a life changing year of finding me, I realized that I'm a good person, I'm smart, I just great the way I am.  Her negative comments say more about her than they ever did about me.  It tells me that she is somewhat perfectionist, that the opinions of others is important to her, and that I am a reflection on her... .she isn't capable of loving me or seeing all of the beauty that is just me.  So now I understand she isn't my perfect mom and I'm not her perfect daughter and that's okay I have a relationship with her with that in mind.  Now when she makes one of her critical remarks or cuts me off when I'm talking because she doesn't like what I'm saying I just think... .that's about her and isn't about me.

So Mr. Flower211 (boy does that sound Macho ) Your mom's lousy, crappy, hurtful behavior is about her and her dysfunction it isn't about you and who you are!  Don't buy the garbage she wants you to believe about yourself!

Healing is not going to be easy for him as long as his life is so inextricably tied up in his dysfunctional family. I raised my eyebrows that your Mom is living with his, but on top of that, he's working for his father? Yikes. I don't mean that in a judgmental way, just that I can't fathom how he would begin to heal when so much of his identity and his livelihood are wrapped up in his extended family life. I think he could benefit from re-evaluating his boundaries.

I agree with OceanMadness boundaries are needed to protect your family from the encroachment of his parents (and maybe your mom too) and their dysfunctional behaviors.

Below are some links regarding boundaries that you might find helpful... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

I also want to suggest you read what you can on BPD (in general), I started with my local library and read everything they had in the system.  It really helps to understand BPD, it helps make the chaos that you see with his mom begin to make sense.  There are many books on the topic but 2 that I think were particularly good are Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger and Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr M. A.

Take care,
Panda39