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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Where do I draw the line  (Read 385 times)
believer55
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 153



« on: April 18, 2017, 08:58:36 PM »

Even though I know my uBPDh is lying to me and hiding things from me I now find I am completely numb. I act like he is doing nothing wrong and that I am not hurting inside. He continually tells me he is completely loyal to me and loves me more than  himself and then lies to my face. I now know he has joined a website to find women willing to meet discretely in our area. What is wrong with me that I don't get angry or upset anymore and just keep acting like nothing is wrong? I love him - but how much do I excuse as his "condition" when he is a grown sane man who is making these choices?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2017, 12:59:33 PM »

Hi believer55,

Welcome

I can see how that's a cause for concern, overlooking our partner's behaviors, I think that there could be a lot of reason's why, we may overlook it because we think that things are eventually going to change, we want to keep the r/s intact although one partner is introducing or carrying out destructive r/s behaviors, we may have anxiety, worry, fears about having to start over again, can you think of reasons? I think that you'll find many of us here that can relate with you, I'm speaking for myself when I say this but I wanted to keep the family intact and I would overlook her behaviors and actions, I also thought that she might change one day and was hoping that things would correct themselves but I was wrong about that.

Excerpt
I love him - but how much do I excuse as his "condition" when he is a grown sane man who is making these choices?

I think that a place that you can look at are your values, maybe it's not necessarily that you feel like there is something wrong with you but that there is something that doesn't synchronize with your values and your intuition is trying to tell you that but we'd have to take look at your boundaries with your H meeting other women? I think that your thread topic perfectly summarizes boundaries.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
believer55
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 153



« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2017, 01:29:14 AM »

Thank you Mutt for taking the time to comment. I agree with all that you say and as a non-confrontationist I struggle with enforcing my boundaries sometimes. I know he would be absolutely devastated if he even thought I was behaving in such a way. Only last night he was imploring me to tell me how much I love him and reinforce what a great guy he is and he doesn't even see how down I am. I know this is the life for many of us. We were married less than 6 months ago and I thought this may help with his fear of abandonment and his daily need of reassurance. I am just tired and worried what our future may look like.

Thank you again  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2017, 11:07:19 AM »

Hi believer55,

I don't know if you have similar feelings, but I recall thinking that my ex wife may mature when she reaches certain milestones, I'm several years older than her, I thought maybe by the time that she hits thirty she may settle down. She had wanted to get married and I wasn't in a rush because I wanted to give it more time, her behaviors worried me, finally I agreed to it because I had thought that maybe she'll settle down when we get married, it didn't happen, in fact she still has the exact same emotionally maturity today that she did 10 years ago. To a degree, it was magical thinking, I had to accept her for the way that she was and not for how I wished her to be.

I can relate with sacrificing myself and going against my intuition, when your mind, spirit, and body are not aligned you don't feel good, you feel stuck. I'm sure that results may vary with different members, I can recall that it was difficult for me at the onset of setting boundaries, it's like anything else that is new that you learn in life, the more that you do it, the easier that it becomes and it becomes second nature, it becomes an automatic reaction. I had feelings of guilt at the onset, but talking to members here gave me the push and confidence, it felt right too because intuitively I knew that it was the right thing to do. Doing what I thought that was right for me eclipsed those guilty feelings.
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believer55
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« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2017, 02:55:38 AM »

Thank you Mutt

My uBPDh and I are the same age and for all intents and purposes think and feel the same about alot in life. He was so persistant in making me promise to never even look at another man that I thought he too would be loyal and practice what he preached. I now find the hardest part is to admit to him that I know what he is doing but  until then I can not put my boundaries in place. I am acting as if nothing is wrong and as you can imagine that is draining me. I am putting it off because once he knows that I have discovered he is lying to me there will be no going back. No undoing the barrage of emotion that will be unleashed and I feel I do not have the strength to deal with and then the promises that it will never happen again that I will need to either believe or dis-believe... .and then what do I do?  It is all just too much for my little brain to cope with so I accept the status quo and pretend.
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TheMaskDropped

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2017, 10:19:45 AM »

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, and I know how devastating it is. I found out my partner was being unfaithful because a girl he had been grooming for 5 weeks came forward after they had met at a motel and as she put it "he didn't get his way." I know she only came forward to hurt him but obviously I was hurt and went through a bout of depression, never saw this coming, trusted him blindly. Over the next two days found out there was another girl he was sleeping with, and 5 others he had been sexting with and/or trying to meet up. He admitted he had cheated throughout relationships with his previous two fiances. He told me I was different and he really loves me, and didn't really love them. All very confusing.

I gave him an ultimatum that if this happens again I will leave. And I will. I have suspicions but if that can only be expected after what I experienced with him.

I know I can't forgive him again if it happens. I have found where to draw my line and I think you need to ask yourself how much you're willing to accept.
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believer55
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
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« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2017, 08:30:22 PM »

I am so sorry to hear your story Mask   That must be so heartbreaking. I know that infidelity seems to be part of the condition - part of the thrill seeking behaviour I suspect. I think that is why my BPDh is constantly on porn and has joined about 3 hook-up websites. I believe he hasn't cheated but I worry that if the thrill of looking is no longer enough that will be the logical next step.

To my face he also professes I am his first love and he has cheated on other before. He professes he doesn't even look at other women and that the porn use stopped months ago. I know he i lying because I snoop. I have given him ample opportunities to be honest with me and even promised not to get angry etc. Now it hurts even more because he is lying to my face and if I didn't know the truth I would swear he was being honest.

I need to let him know that I know he is still doing it as it is eating me alive. But I know once he knows I will be stopped from snooping and will only have his word... .and at the moment I know he will just lie to me and I won't know what to believe.

I do hope your partner can get on top of his behaviour. Please set strict boundaries for yourself (easy for me to say  Smiling (click to insert in post) ) and remember you are worth being treated with respect, loyalty and love.

B.
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TheMaskDropped

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2017, 11:19:25 AM »


To my face he also professes I am his first love and he has cheated on other before. He professes he doesn't even look at other women and that the porn use stopped months ago. I know he i lying because I snoop. I have given him ample opportunities to be honest with me and even promised not to get angry etc. Now it hurts even more because he is lying to my face and if I didn't know the truth I would swear he was being honest.

I need to let him know that I know he is still doing it as it is eating me alive. But I know once he knows I will be stopped from snooping and will only have his word... .and at the moment I know he will just lie to me and I won't know what to believe.


I completely understand how you feel. As for the snooping, I have done the same and it's such a double edged sword. We have gps on our vehicles and I have checked and caught him at motels but then he panics and drives and insists the gps is inaccurate. I know that I can only deal with this for a little longer and have plans on discussing this and his recent violent outbursts after consulting with our joint therapist. I do believe therapy and hard work can change a person but he isn't committed and only believe he has a problem with anger.

I don't know how your partner is, but mine knows I check the gps but will not shut it off because then he wouldn't be able to check where I am. As for the social media, I do not have access to his accounts but know there is still sexting and inappropriate conversations going on because I ended up in contact with another person. We can not control anyone's actions but our own. Would your partner be willing to work on improving trust in your relationship? I'm so sorry you're dealing with infidelity as well.

I know my partner told me "it was just a blow job" and "we were just flirting" the two times I caught him and had evidence at hand. This shows that they really don't understand the impact their behavior has on us. Although mine also has many NPD traits as well so it's hard to know when it's seeking attention to set up another relationship from fear of me abandoning him, or when it's just his sense of entitlement.
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