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Author Topic: Love of my life dx. 9 months ago  (Read 363 times)
Keepingreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 19


« on: April 23, 2017, 03:49:19 AM »

Hi, everyone -

This is my first time here. My partner of 6 years was diagnosed in July with BPD after believing he was bipolar for the previous 10 years. Now that I know, all his symptoms and mood changes make so much more sense, but I have had no support or knowledge in how to deal with them. Unfortunately, he has student insurance (he's in a PhD program) that has made finding a psychotherapist difficult; instead, he has recently been seeing a CBT-style counselor and a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression. He hasn't received any real treatment for BPD since diagnosis in a partial hospital program, and I feel like he's just been pretending it isn't there.

Nineteen days ago, I asked him to take some time away from our home. This was incredibly difficult for me to do, as we've struggled through many challenges over the last six years -- my Multiple Sclerosis, financial and work challenges, and four years long-distance (1000 miles). He's been increasingly erratic and moody and unpredictable for several months, usually culminating in late-night yelling sessions at me over perceived slights or emotional meltdowns. My health, my wellbeing, and my work were all suffering; somehow, I heard myself asking him to go.

This man is the love of my life; I am educated, empathic, and professionally successful, but I don't think I can cope with this alone any longer.

I suppose I am looking for support here. Thanks for reading!

- S
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2017, 02:24:35 PM »

Hi Sara1234,  

*welcocme*

I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. A pwBPD are high sensitive people and are constantly scanning for cues for rejection perceived or real, in addition to that, a pwBPD have low self esteem, low self, self loath and self hate. A pwBPD need a lot of validation ( lesson 2 on the right side of this board ) You have a lot on your plate, self care is really important so that you don't burn the candle on both ends when your readings partner is a pwBPD.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Keepingreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 19


« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2017, 04:13:42 PM »

Thanks for your response. Self-care is definitely the component that was missing for myself for a long time. Working full-time while he frequently wasn't working, dealing with most or all domestic labor myself, then feeling taken for granted and emotionally abused perpetually got me run down, led to MS relapses for me, and culminated in the development of an immunodeficiency disorder, which I now have to treat with weekly infusions of immunoglobulin. Even more troublingly, I have had trouble sleeping well, have isolated more frequently than reached out to friends or family, and got used to coming home with a pit in my stomach, waiting to see what kind of mood he was in and thereby what kind of evening or day I could expect (while knowing I couldn't predict anything at all).

Thanks for listening.
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2017, 05:11:13 PM »

I understand, if I gave my exuBPDw an inch, she'd take a mile, it was never enough I had to set firm boundaries which helps when someone feels out of control, it gives a sense of security. Also a pwBPD are stuck emotionally at the level of a child that is 2-3 and don't have a fully developed sense of self. I think that it was a good idea to ask for some space, it'll give you an opportunity to charge up your batteries and take inventory. Have you thought about generally how long you're separating? Are you taking it one day a time? Were friends and family there for you when you reached out?
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Keepingreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2017, 07:14:30 PM »

Thanks for reaching out -- I haven't been on these boards since I first posted and was in a "one day at a time" mentality, waiting for him to decide that he needs psychotherapy and changes in behavior. We saw each other for an evening and it was fine, if sad, then he went on a three-day business trip and returned to his brother's, where he has been staying since April 3.

For the following couple of weeks, he got increasingly emotionally distant and his communications became stilted and detached. I was having a MS relapse and ended up in the ER for treatment. Though thirty minutes away, he didn't express a desire to see me or come to the hospital. One week ago, Tuesday night, he sent me a long, somewhat confusing text message ending our relationship of nearly six years. It was formal in tone, citing that he has become "increasingly aware" that "what he wants to do with his life" is "incompatible" with "who or what I want him to be."

I was shocked. I remain heartbroken and devastated. I feel like I am grieving a death; only in some ways, it feels worse.
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Doughboy
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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2017, 08:00:34 PM »

One week ago, Tuesday night, he sent me a long, somewhat confusing text message ending our relationship of nearly six years. It was formal in tone, citing that he has become "increasingly aware" that "what he wants to do with his life" is "incompatible" with "who or what I want him to be."

That is so painfully similar to what I received mid April... .

"You haven't hurt me like other men. There are some things I have decided are important to me and my future.  It has nothing to do with you being like other men. I just need and want something else."

So similar it hurts to be honest... .
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Keepingreal

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« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2017, 10:02:02 PM »

Thanks for sharing that, Ox. I was reading through some of the posts on the "ex" / "former partner" board, and I saw several that were very similar, too. I was honestly shocked, which is pretty amazing in itself, since I have been in a partnership with this man for six years, five of which now have been impacted by mental instability (albeit more in a "wave" pattern for the first few years, with outbursts / bizarre mood swings followed by weeks or months of "normal" -- it's only gotten really bad in the last couple of years.)

I just reread that last phrase: "It's only gotten really bad in the last couple of years" and I am metaphorically banging my head on my desk. That must be what posters on here mean by the "fog." I am hurting so badly, but I am seeing more clearly than I have in years.

To complicate this EVEN FURTHER, just since my last post, I received about an hour ago a text from him, the first non-practical communique I have gotten from him since my unceremonious dumping one week ago (things like "I will return the car next week," etc.):

"I am having an epic meltdown. I just can't stop crying. All day and night. I feel like my future is gone, and I miss and love you so much I can't stand it."

I haven't responded yet; I don't know what to say. Within half an hour, he had gone online to Facebook and "liked" every photo or post I have made in the last week (I haven't publicized the breakup, they were mostly work-related or Mother's Day-related.).

Is this a thing? A pattern? I can't believe this can get more emotionally painful or complicated, but I feel so sad, both for him and for me, yet so unable to be jerked around like this.
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Lalathegreat
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 301


« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2017, 03:23:10 AM »

Oh Sara... .ugh. Just ugh.

It's amazing to me how similar the things pwBPD say. It's like they have all received a script and had time to study before bringing in the rest of us uneducated folk and we get to sit here in a state of perpetual "What the heck?"
 
And why? Why does it hurt so horribly when we know it's bad for us? I relate to the Sarah McLaughlin song "stupid":

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But your the only one I see... .

I am sending you love and support. I wish I had magical advice but sadly no. I'm just as lost at the moment. 



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Keepingreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 19


« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2017, 03:51:49 PM »

Thanks, Lala - there is indeed comfort not only in knowing that I am not the only person dealing with this situation -- to an eerie degree -- but also in witnessing the narratives of other people in this community. Love and support to you as well!
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Keepingreal

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 19


« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2017, 12:33:40 AM »

It's been a hard week. Just a hard, hard week. I am basically wandering like a zombie around my parents' newly-purchased beach house fielding sporadic texts from my pwBPD. I feel like most of the day, I am walking under water, responding to work emails and doing a bit of work prep for the summer semester, then spending the night drinking just a little too much, smoking a lot of cigarettes, and crying over things that I wouldn't have expected... .and those that would (Why oh why have I watched _PS I Love You_ THREE times in the last week; not only am I a sucker for Irish music (being Irish-American), but my pwBPD has a 2-second extra role IN the movie?)

I feel like the most important person in my life has died, but worse. His texts are all focused on practicalities: when he's getting his stuff from our apartment, when he's dropping off the car that's in my name but that I "gave" him, what he's leaving and taking. Not even a "how are you doing?" after SIX YEARS through everything together.

I am a bit of a mess, to be sure. But I am so, so grateful for this space, and these boards. I would be literally out of my mind over the last two weeks if I had not found them.
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Lalathegreat
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« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2017, 05:00:40 AM »

Late reply Keepinitreal - I hope you are doing ok.

I think everything you're experiencing is part of the normal grieving process. I cried for 10 minutes to the poor clerk at the grocery because I was buying mayo and remembered that pwBPD was always very particular abou using only Best Foods mayo. Seriously? I don't recognize myself!

It's been about a week since this was written - update? Are you hanging in there? Thinking of you... .

Lala
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