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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Round and round  (Read 686 times)
WhichWaysUp

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« on: April 26, 2017, 04:23:03 PM »

My dear BPD love left unexpectedly a week ago.    She left for her counselling appt. Just as every week.   She gave me a kiss, told me she loves me and headed off to the appointment.  that's the last thing she said.  I love you.  And I haven't heard from her since.

After calling the dr. Office, local hospitals, the jail... .i found out she is with my replacement... .who is also her husband.

As least she is ok, right?  That's what I keep telling myself.

We worked together many years ago.  We ran into each other almost 4 years ago.   Despite her being married, She came home with me that night.  She told me the marriage was over. As the days went by, things seemed great.  Magical even. She said she'd never been happier.  Well,  For 3 weeks anyway.  Then because I wasn't in the mood to go out one night... .A car suddenly pulls up in my driveway.  Out she goes to get into the car with the man.   

2 weeks later she wanted to talk.  After talking I told her she could stay on my couch as she professed to having nowhere to go.   Not long after we were involved again.    It was wonderful.  Electric.  Powerful.   We were ok for almost a year.
(I think so anyway).   But she wouldn't get divorced, although saying she wanted to marry me.     Then it started.   Every 5-8 months she would leave going back to the husband.  She would stay 1-4 weeks then want to return.    Promising each time that THIS time she wanted to stay.

For the past 6 months she has been in counseling and on meds. I thought there was hope.  But she left again. 

I want to just let her go for good and have no more contact.   But I also want to see her and to embrace her.     I feel so wrong for wanting to be with her.   I feel wretched for being involved with a married woman.   But... .I'd do it all again because I love her.    What the hell is wrong with me?
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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 05:21:12 PM »

Hi WhichWaysUp,  

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm sorry that you're going through this. For all intents and purposes she did say that her marriage was over, she also chose to be in a r/s with you. It's completely normal that you want to her, she didn't give you closure, as far as you knew it was just a routine appointment.

I suggest that you read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You'll find that you'll fit right in here, many of us can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.  Hang in there.

PS The lessons are on the right side of the board  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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WhichWaysUp

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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2017, 04:07:56 AM »

Mutt,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and for the kind words.   I have been "lurking" on the site and messageboards for some time.  To try to learn more about BPD, and for the comfort that I'm not the only one dealing with such harmful chaos in their life.      My BPD gf and I were supposed to be moving into a new place this weekend.     But she took off.     We have to leave our current apartment because of the disruption of her suddenly leaving in the past.   This will be the 3rd consecutive living situation that I have to leave due to her abrupt departures.    Logically, I know I should be relieved she's gone.   But emotionally, I'm  a wreck and miss her tremendously.    And I'm frustrated with myself for feeling that.
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2017, 04:39:39 AM »

Hi WhichWaysUp,

I'd like to join  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Mutt in welcoming you to the community. Being left so abruptly is very painful; I'm sorry that happened to you. I can relate to the feelings you have. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. The good news is that you don't have to act on them—let them move through you as best you can.

It's only been a week, so missing pwBPD is a perfectly understandable way to feel. Your thoughts and feelings are likely to take a bit of a rollercoaster ride. It's normal and you'll find that the members here understand.

I think step one is to pause, take a breath, and try to shift from reacting to responding. Your relationship seems to be operating on somewhat predictable cycles. What do you think you can do to break the pattern?

Self-care is extremely important at times like these. Are you getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, WhichWaysUp?  Are your friends and family supportive?

Keep posting. It can really help to see your situation written down and receive personalized responses. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole
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WhichWaysUp

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« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 06:36:01 AM »

Heartandwhole,

Thank you.   Your feedback is helpful, reassuring, and appreciated.   This Web site is a blessing because when my Pw BPD leaves... .well, it's very embarrassing.    I confide in a couple of family members but usually make up a story to explain the situation to everyone else I need to.   I'm ashamed i do that.     What  complicates further is that I myself am bipolar.    Processing emotions is not my forte at times like this.  And I'm sure that contributes to our problems in the relationship.     But as my PwBPD and I have discussed in depth -     We will have issues and need to work through them.    Unfortunately she seems to just abandon the relationship every 5-8 months without fail and without warning.     I know my anxiety gets ratcheted up during this time as I wait for the inevitable.     Which in turn probably helps drive her away.   So it's a vicious cycle.  She claims she always regrets leaving within days though.

 My hope has been with both of us having mental illness, that we could help support each other, understand what each other is going through with empathy and compassion.     The thing is... .she can be great.  When she's "on"... she's "on".   No one I'd rather be with.   But when she disengages. ... i just don't know who she is.       I know that with our issues, we're better off apart.    Well, my head knows that anyway. Smiling (click to insert in post)   My silly heart says...   Love can overcome.   If we both care enough we can make it work.     I want to heal but I know I'd take her back.   And I know it wouldn't work.    I'm very conflicted.
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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2017, 06:43:35 AM »

Heartandwhole,

I know that with our issues, we're better off apart.    Well, my head knows that anyway. Smiling (click to insert in post)   My silly heart says...   Love can overcome.   If we both care enough we can make it work.     I want to heal but I know I'd take her back.   And I know it wouldn't work.    I'm very conflicted.

I mean you aren't wrong. If both people in a relationship make a commitment to work on difficulties, communicate, and be a little selfless while maintaining their own self worth then it can always work. But this is an illness. A personality disorder isn't just like a cold. It is who that person is. Logic doesn't do it. A commitment in the moment doesn't do it. Because the next time they are triggered their brain goes down the same neural connection highway it has used 1 million times before. It won't stop to think of alternatives. And we are all the same in that context.

I struggled with this too. And this second go around I practiced more empathy, understanding, patience. But she became depressed and whatever feelings came up from that she invariably got to me in her bad memory file book and that was it. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know the pain. All too well. You aren't alone.

I won't tell you to not try again. Heck, everyone told me to stay away the 2nd time. I avoided these forums because deep down I knew what I would hear if I told on myself, and I wanted to believe it would be different. Keep posting, keep talking, keep sharing. Talking gets to the emotions which fuel the longing, reminiscing, etc. Talk about that stuff and you kick out the fire   
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2017, 08:16:39 AM »

These posts sound all too familiar. I got involved with a woman that said her marriage was over, and 2 months in told me that the divorce finally went through.  but her situation never changed. She said she owned the house, that he wouldn't be staying anymore but could use it when he watched the kids, plans were for me to move in. But nothing happened, she had to report to him for the 6-12 months we hung out. I was just blinded thinking they weren't married but truthfully they were either in an open relationship or he just knew he couldn't control her and she'd be back eventually. Its horrible that I miss the fun times... .aka sex. but it is so peaceful being able to go home and take a deep breath and relax when I go home after work, go to the gym once in awhile if I want to, talk to my family if I want to... .I guess I was naïve and never thought people could lie like this to another persons face and that's still what bothers me most... .The last thing that bothers me is just not knowing what was true... .
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2017, 08:18:08 AM »

Hi WhichWaysUp,

Excerpt
this.  And I'm sure that contributes to our problems in the relationship.     But as my PwBPD and I have discussed in depth -     We will have issues and need to work through them.


On the subject of cyclical patterns and neural pathways, I have a mood disorder too, you can change the neural pathways by changing your learned habits but it takes work in therapy. I agree with you that you can can't work on yourself while your in a r/s but not everyone is there, maybe she's not ready to work on herself? I know that it can be frustrating when someone doesn't see their own self defeating patterns.
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WhichWaysUp

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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2017, 05:37:12 PM »

Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond, help, offer advice... .and quite frankly just being there.

So anyway, as previously mentioned, my dear pwBPD cycles between me and another man, the father of her kids.  Has been this way for nearly 3 of our 4 years.   She (comes home) back for 5-8 months before abruptly leaving.  Her longest stay was a year. Usually leaves around holidays.  She spends 1-4 weeks "there".     Then comes home always saying she missed me just days after leaving and could never stand to leave me again.

She is currently "there" now and has been for a week.   Her phone is shut off to service.  Still has wifi though she hasn't gone on facebook since leaving.   She has cut me off.   

I'm home now.   I've had a few drinks after work.  I'm looking at the letters and cards she wrote me throughout our relationship.     Saying I'm the perfect guy for her.  How when she's "there"  she's not happy and just pretends to be.    How she wants to be together with me always and regrets her disorder that makes her leave me.  That when "there" missing me is the worst pain she's ever experienced.

I can't get a hold of her now.   I'm tempted to take photos of these letters and cards and send text them to her guy.      See how that creates chaos for them.       Would it bring her back?  Maybe.   But I'd be an ass for doing it.     Of course she's already made me feel like one by leaving. Lol. 

I'm just so hurt and realize I that i just want to lash out.  I don't want them to be happy.    But i do also want her back. And if she is coming back... .sooner is better.   Would you do it?


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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2017, 04:10:24 AM »

I'm just so hurt and realize I that i just want to lash out.  I don't want them to be happy.    But i do also want her back. And if she is coming back... .sooner is better.   Would you do it?

I wouldn't. And I understand your feelings of wanting to.   As you say, it may or may not bring her back. It could also backfire and cause her to pull away. It can be very hard to have a relationship where your loved one is having another relationship at the same time, or at least at regular intervals.  

Did she ever cut you off before when she spent time with her husband, or is this the first time?

heartandwhole
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« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2017, 01:59:48 PM »

This is the first time she has cut off all contact.    I got a call from the police dept. Today.   She wants to come get her stuff.     That has never happened before either.          I am truly bummed out.      This has a feeling of finality to it.
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2017, 02:06:59 PM »

This is the first time she has cut off all contact.    I got a call from the police dept. Today.   She wants to come get her stuff.     That has never happened before either.          I am truly bummed out.      This has a feeling of finality to it.

That's the hardest thing to accept my friend. The day she sent me the email she sent our HR department to notify them we weren't in a relationship anymore was the day I knew. But I didn't stop trying to talk to her, have her see logic of the situation and what she was running from. It hurt. It still hurts. Just keep talking about it. It is gonna get better.
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« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2017, 01:02:18 PM »

Today is the lowest I think I've been.   Tomorrow she comes at noon with a police escort to get the last of her belongings.    She hasn't contacted me since ditching/bailing/walking out on me.   I had to hear from the police that she wants to come get her items.   Things were fine between she and I before she left...    There is no need for police involvement.   This is so absurd.    To rub salt in the wound I assume my replacement will be driving her to my house.    And I have to sit through this farce.    I honestly wonder what I've done in life to deserve this.   All I wanted was to share my love with her.   I'm far from perfect but i loved her the best way I knew how for nearly 4 years.  I believe tomorrow may be the last time I see her.  My heart breaks, my head hurts and my soul aches.
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« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2017, 01:37:42 PM »

I was left suddenly and coldly as well. He asked me to move in and now I'm struggling to find a place to live .  He also filed a false protection order on me and get this had his attorney tell me the only reason he broke up was due to low self esteem and I deserved better.

I was dumped because I requested some time to sort out my life and was upset he was making no effort to leave 2nd life and sleep in his bed.

I also contacted his mom to let her know he was declining and threatening to kill himself he said it was harassment.   
Just yesterday I checked his social media and guess what the reason I was dumped... .well now he is pushing to get back into the world again.   

So I can relate to how you feel. My x was transgender and I accepted him... .there is a stigma I carry and can't speak to many about it... .

I'm two months out and if he were to contact me whe our orders are up in July I can't say I wouldn't talk to him.   The bond they form with us is very strong, so go easy on yourself and know you did everything you could... .they can't change even while in therapy. My x is in therapy too and on meds.   Keep posting here and just know we all understand
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« Reply #14 on: April 29, 2017, 01:44:42 PM »


I'm so very sorry.  I posted my reply and then saw this.  It will hurt like heck but they are known to involve the police and courts.  If you ever need to chat feel free to msg me .
Normal people don't behave like this... they do this because they live in fear at all times.  We can't comprehend it... .it is gut wrenching pain and you feel like your heart is ripped out.  As someone posted to me on my latest post healthy people can make amends and apologize they don't cut and run.

These people cut and run .  Be cautious she doesn't get a protection order out on you .  Stay strong
Today is the lowest I think I've been.   Tomorrow she comes at noon with a police escort to get the last of her belongings.    She hasn't contacted me since ditching/bailing/walking out on me.   I had to hear from the police that she wants to come get her items.   Things were fine between she and I before she left...    There is no need for police involvement.   This is so absurd.    To rub salt in the wound I assume my replacement will be driving her to my house.    And I have to sit through this farce.    I honestly wonder what I've done in life to deserve this.   All I wanted was to share my love with her.   I'm far from perfect but i loved her the best way I knew how for nearly 4 years.  I believe tomorrow may be the last time I see her.  My heart breaks, my head hurts and my soul aches.
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« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2017, 05:52:15 PM »

I honestly wonder what I've done in life to deserve this.   All I wanted was to share my love with her.   I'm far from perfect but i loved her the best way I knew how for nearly 4 years.  I believe tomorrow may be the last time I see her.  My heart breaks, my head hurts and my soul aches.

The replacement is going to wonder what he did in life to deserve this too at some junction in life. He's probably anxious too, I just wanted to say that you don't know for certain if this is going to be the last time that you'll see her but you may feel very differently about her when and if that day comes. That being said.

She has an escort, can you get one too? Can you call a friend or family member to be there with you tomorrow so you're not going through this by yourself, someone for support. I can understand that it may feel embarrassing, if you have someone that you're close with i'm sure that they'll understand. Hang in there.
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« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2017, 02:24:34 AM »

Can you call a friend or family member to be there with you tomorrow so you're not going through this by yourself, someone for support.

I think this is a great idea, too, WhichWay. Let us know how it went today. 

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« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2017, 05:31:12 AM »

Thank you again for all the support.

Less than 6 hours away from when she arrives with her police escort to retrieve her items.  I'm extremely anxious.     My sister has volunteered to be here with me for when it goes down.  Of course my sister also wants to knock the block off of my pwBPD for the way I've been treated. Lol.  But she has agreed to behave.

I really hope this can be drama free as its going to be difficult enough.     I wonder whether she'll even speak to me at all.   If not that could feel crushing.   I wonder if she'll even get out of the car or just have my replacement load it all for her.      I've decided to move her things (there's not much)  to the outside front of the house.    It should make things go quicker and then she won't need to come into the house at all.       I'm dreading this.
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« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2017, 05:49:41 AM »

I can fully understand your anxious feelings. It's a very strange situation to be in.

I'm glad your sister is going to be with you, and the idea of getting the stuff out of the house is a good move, too, in my view.

Courage! Hopefully it will be a lot simpler and drama-free than you are imagining. 

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« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2017, 09:04:42 AM »

Is the replacement her current husband or some one else?
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« Reply #20 on: April 30, 2017, 09:31:44 AM »

90 minutes to go.  Anxiety on overload.   The replacement is the current husband.        I'm trying to stay busy.    Not only did she take off with no notice, I'm left with the task of packing her things.   I didn't think of how painful that would be.   I'm even taking care with the fragile items.  It's surreal.   
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« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2017, 12:03:33 PM »

Less than 6 hours away from when she arrives with her police escort to retrieve her items.  I'm extremely anxious.    

Stop, take a breath and tell yourself "this will pass"

Good luck and let us know how it went.
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« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2017, 05:19:59 PM »

So on Sunday she came with the police for her items.   I had them outside for her.  After nearly 4 years together she didn't say one word to me.

On a Wednesday I went to work.  She was at home because I financially supported her.   Money was tight but she was going to counselling once per week and taking prescribed medication.  So i thought it worthwhile.

I came home from work.   She made and served dinner happily.   We made love.   Watched some tv.  Cuddled and talked.  Then went to sleep.

We awoke on thursday, a day off for me and the day of her counselling appt.   Before the appt. She kissed me, told me she loved me.   Then walked out the door.   She went to the appt.  But never came home.  She moved in with the replacement.       I haven't heard from her since.   No call.  No text.   Her last words to me were I love you.

Some days I hate her.  Some days I miss her terribly.
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« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2017, 05:26:35 PM »

4 years is a long history, this will take time to process, it's normal to miss her. She would probably feel embarrassed to say something in front of the cops if she vilified you. She will feel shame for having left you the way that she left, many of us on this board didn't get closure, I completely understand how that feels. That's tough the way that she ended things like that, I'm sorry that it happened this way.
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« Reply #24 on: May 06, 2017, 03:58:51 AM »

WhichWaysUp,

What you've been through is absolutely heart wrenching. I'm sorry that happened.   The suddenness of being left like that is like nothing else.

As painful as this is, her getting her stuff is another step toward freedom for you. Do you think so?

What can you do for yourself today that will bring some peace and comfort?

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole
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« Reply #25 on: May 06, 2017, 06:05:16 PM »

Sadly she is telling you what you want to hear, we've all been there when our BPD partner tells us how great we are and then turns on us.

You talked about both your mental health issues to one another, she had no intention of supporting you through this as she is BPD and it's all about her and what she wants. That's what they do.

My ex said she loved me, cared for me, I was the best thing that happened to her yet she turned on me again and again and it hurt every time but she didn't care.

After the break up she was in a bad way and asked if I could go round, I told her I'd go round if she promised not to be nasty or say hurtful things. Which she agreed.i went round and held her and she cried and cried and cried, and then turned on me.

They don't change, they don't care, and you can go back or take them back and it will remain the same.

Please think through what you'd doing and look after yourself.

Sadly I'm telling you she won't change. How long can you sustain this pain and upset.
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« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2017, 04:05:20 PM »

Struggling today.  Been 3 weeks since she left.   Have not heard a word from her.   After 3 weeks she has read my Facebook messages that I sent on the day she left.  But she has not responded.  I dont know whether im disappointed or relieved. She has not blocked me nor have I blocked her. We sit in limbo.    I know that I should block her and go no contact.  But i haven't yet.    After 3 weeks she still has not updated her contact information with medical practices and transportation companies.     I am getting all of her calls on my phone still.     I don't know why she hasn't updated it.  Is it because she wants me to know where she is?   I have learned that she has been prescribed an additional anxiety med. This week.    So her leaving must be bothering her.   I don't want to be recycled again but I miss her terribly still.   She has always stayed (come home) for 5-8 months.  Then leaves for 1-4 weeks before returning.    I don't want the cycle to Continue.   But will I say no if she contacts me... .i don't know.  I hope so.
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« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2017, 04:22:29 PM »

WhichWaysUp... .I can only tell you from my personal experience, from research, from therapists and from reading what others post on message boards - try not to figure out "why" or "what" when it comes to her reactions or lack thereof. There is no way of figuring out the why or what. If she has BPD, there is no logic, just her own reasons to fill her own needs. Hang in there and find support from friends, family, therapists and others here. As the FOG lifts, things become more clear and you will see where you are only following her lead in the dance. Be strong and I wish you the best!
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
WhichWaysUp

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« Reply #28 on: May 15, 2017, 01:48:03 PM »

As I've mentioned,  over 4 years she has always stayed (come home) for 5-8 months.  Then "leaves" for 1-4 weeks, before returning home to me.

She's been gone for 3.5 weeks with no contact.  Until today.

I received a two word facebook message:
 "I'm sorry".

My first reaction was surprise to hear from her.  Then I was relieved.   Not happy, but relieved.   Not sure of the significance of that.

But then I was annoyed.   "I'm sorry" seems whoa fully inadequate.    Sorry for what exactly?  - for actually leaving?      Sorry just for the way it was done?   Sorry for involving the police?  Sorry for not being in touch for nearly a month?

But she did say sorry.   Does that show contrition or are they just empty words? 

Still not sure what I want out of this. Uggghh. If I were sure what I wanted, she'd be blocked.   But she's not.  I've left the door ajar.    I'm peeved at myself for not being able to take this final step in blocking her.   

My heart still clings to misguided hope I suppose.   

I'm grateful to these boards and the members here.    It's a tough topic to discuss with most friends and family because they just can't "understand" the intensity of these relationships.

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« Reply #29 on: May 24, 2017, 03:08:23 PM »

Don't know if it's good or bad.    I heard from her today.     She sends me a Facebook message telling me to Check my email.

She offers me an apology, an explanation,  tells me loves me.  But says that she can't be what I need and she feels I didn't want to be what she needed.

The message is mostly normal.  It's about 5 weeks too late and it's definitely something that should have been said in person.   

But...

I'm really conflicted on this.   Receiving this 5 weeks after she left kind of picks at the healing  scab.    But reading her giving a coherent explanation (although i receive the brunt of her blame) is a first. 
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