Groping in the dark - need help with therapists

[11th-hour]

Hello,

My wife's BPD symptoms have escalated exponentially in the recent few months.  Throughout our 9-yr marriage, we had trouble and conflicts on an almost monthly basis, until recently.  A couple of months ago, a confluence of different stresses caused my wife to attempt to end her life by overdosing on pills.  She did not succeed, and in the course of the week-long intake treatment, the doctors changed her medications around drastically.  Since then, the rage episodes have gotten much more frequent and a deal more nuclear.  There are short periods of reconciliation, which don't last for more than 24-48 hours before the nuclear winter enfolds us once again.  I have two kids, both pre-teens, who are greatly affected by the explosions.  I started reading the Eggshells book, and just obtained the Essential Family Guide book.  At this point, I have very little in terms of tools on how to deal with this internally or externally, and especially how to shield the kids from the emotional storms.  After reading some, I think I have gotten pretty good keeping level in the face of the storms and not returning the fire or trying to logic my way through them, as I used to do in the past.  However, I know I have to find a therapist I can work with on a continual basis, so I can have somewhere to go for specific questions and advice.  My wife is aware of her diagnosis of BPD since the intake experience, but obviously, has no conception of what she's doing when she is in the rage state.  She just started seeing a therapist this week who works at the Behavioural Health unit she was admitted to before.

It's so difficult to know what to do when the rages occur. If the kids are in the house, they hear much of it; she will also try to threaten me with police for weirdest reasons, or threaten to publicly shame me for most random things she could fantasize up.  She is constantly high on a certain medicinal herb (originally obtained to deal with headaches), which doesn't help with her disposition even an iota, but makes her even less logical or cooperative.  I am blamed for all the ills of the world and, with time, they only compound.  I have so little hope left at this point, that sometimes it seems that even a thousand therapists will not turn this tide.

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[Mutt]

Hi 11th hour, 



I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, that must of been a really scary experience when your BPDw tried to overdose on pills

After reading some, I think I have gotten pretty good keeping level in the face of the storms and not returning the fire or trying to logic my way through them, as I used to do in the past.

I'm glad that things have improved for you a little, you're right now JADE'ing ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) with a pwBPD is the right idea, but from the sounds of it your BPDw is dysregulated, a pwBPD can't self sooth or self regulate, it takes a pwBPD longer to return to baseline, we can try the tools and sometimes the tools don't work, all we can is try. I'm not sure if you stay in the line of fire, but set a boundary on yourself that if she goes into that mode try to do something that changes the tempo around the house, go clean the garage, your car, do outside work or run out for an errand. JADE is a tool that helps to stop the conflict, you can also try to validate her before the conflict starts, a pwBPD have really slow esteem, low self worth, self hate, self loath and are hyper critical on themselves.

Validation doesn't mean that you approve everything that she says or does, in general people want to be  heard, you can validate her and just package your truth a little different, package it at the end. A pwBPD are wired differently than you or I, our feelings are followed by the facts, it feelings equals facts for a pwBPD, if you put those two together you can see how it's difficult to communicate, it's not your fault. It's the nature of the disorder, you're reading books, you're looking for help online and you want to get a T ( therapist )

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Lastly, do you have EAP through your workplace ( Employee Assisted Program ) do you have an insurance card?  You should have several appointments available to you, a T is supposed to be someone that is non judgemental and unbiased, if you find one that is biased with pwBPD, I'd suggest to find another T that syncs with you.