embarassed

[strongertimesahead]

It started as a romantic relationship long distance, morphed into a friendship, always tumultuous, frenetic and made only easier by being at a distance.

She has brain surgery to remove a tumour and I was there to support her - and over the last many years I have supported her in her green card process.  She said we would always be "family".

Post surgery she got her green card, began to travel (notably not to see me) and is moving to another city with someone else - someone who is likely a romantic partner.

She refuses to speak to me, calls my questions those of a frustrated old person and has shut me out entirely - the demeanor is cold and calculated.  And on the financial side it appears she has a considerable portfolio of real estate holdings I wasn't aware of (though I know the green card application was partly fabricated).

She calls me "psycho" when I ask questions.

Embarassed, ashamed at my lack of judgement.  This individual is NYC based and very unstable.  I was duped.

Seeing a therapist soon on all this but the damage - emotional, financial, is considerable.

REading these points helped mitigate what I am feeling:
Have you been viewed as overly good and then overly bad?
Have you been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions?
Are things that you have said or have done being twisted and used against you?
Are you are accused of things you never did or said?
Do you feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to?
Are there alternating periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving?
Do you often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions?
Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard?

[GD39]

If you have been with a BPD chances are that most, if not all, have shared your experience.

Have you been viewed as overly good and then overly bad?

HECK YEAH! That is why we get attached to them in the beginning. The ego boost of the "you are the best thing since sliced bread" is amazing. Isn't it?

Have you been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions?

Sometimes it happened several times in a DAY. We could be great in the morning, and going through hell in the afternoon.

Are things that you have said or have done being twisted and used against you?

ALL THE TIME. I could say 5 sentences, all loving, trying to make a connection, and one word would be used out of context just to keep her anger going. Even though it did not make any sense.

Are you are accused of things you never did or said?

See previous response.

Do you feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to?

It was not until I learned about limits that I was able to stop that. Need money? There was an emergency all the time. If it was not that thing it was the other. How I finally  dealt with it. Here is the budget I have to spend on y out. Anything else, its on you. Lied to? See previous sentence. Most, if not all emergencies were fabricated. All a ruse to get more money out of my pocket into hers.

Are there alternating periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving?

Yes! Heck yes! Aren't they wonderful? The problem is you never know when that will happen or when it will end. It got to the point that I don't expect them. When they happen, good. When they end, good. I enjoy the former and don't dwell in the latter. Nevertheless, I know this. Either she gets help, or whenever I get fed up, I will walk away.

Do you often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions?

Many times until I decided I did not have to. I just state how I see things, and I closed most of my sentences with, "I hope you use this information for good, but if you decide otherwise, there is nothing I can do. That is all on you."

Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard?

Again, used to. Now, I just plan how and when I will do thing. Instead of concealing, I just time things. Mind you, sometimes it takes time until you can disclose what you need to say, but concealing it just ends up in resentment. The question for you is, why would you want to stay on a relationship you are not heard? I believe that yes, they would hear, but you have to use different tools than when dealing with the average bear. READ, READ, READ; LEARN, LEARN, LEARN. Its the only way to survive the storm that is a BPD partner / friend. In the end, is all up to you how much you are able to take.