Pretty devastated...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi people, this might be a long story but I feel terrible about how everything's gone so I don't know where to begin really... .

I met her at work, she was my manager and worked with me for a year and a half before I gathered up the courage to ask her out, which she agreed to. She always seemed a bit 'different', and there was something I always liked about her even though she wasn't really the type of girl I'm normally attracted to, couldn't explain it... .

The week before I asked her out, we were at a leaving party for another person we both worked with and I should of seen the red flags really but her ex, who she supposedly finished with in February was there and they were outside talking, or arguing I don't know (this was August time) and he looked like he was about to cry. At the end of the night, I was expecting her to drive me home but as she was giving her ex a lift, I refused. This was before we were together so it kind of felt like a kick in the guts but anyway I drove home drunk rather than get in the car with him.

The week after, I started seeing her. It seemed too good to be true straight away and after 3 weeks I'd moved into her house (she lives with her Mum). Everything went well to begin with apart from a few warning signs that I missed, i.e her storming out of the cinema on my birthday because I asked her why she was so distant and her punching me in the face one night in November. It was after November that everything went to ___ basically, in the 10 months I was with her I had 5 different jobs and got in trouble with the police on numerous occasions. I found myself obsessed with trying to keep her happy and I still don't know why or how I ended up like that.

When I felt like things were finally going well, she'd always get moody and say 'I need space' and it would always be two days where she'd apparently be down and staying at home in bed. I just thought she was depressed all along and never realised she could have BPD (a phychiatrist pointed it out last month).

She always said things felt different with me, I dunno if she said this to everyone, probably. Anyway after about 6 or 7 break up/make ups about the most pathetic and stupid things, she finally ended it with me in April. She said she needed space again and I said "should I come get my stuff then", thinking we'd talk about it but instead she put all my things in bags ready for when I arrived there. I was gutted but I still thought we could work it out but the week after that it was like she'd flipped a switch. She totally ignored me, never answered my calls, texts, never even opened the door to me when I knew she was in the house.

How do you treat a person so badly? I mean yeah, it was only 10 months I'd been with her but I was with her 99% of the time and she just cuts me off like that? I couldn't understand it. Anyway after about a week of calling, texting and showing up, I had enough and I was overwhelmed with it all. I know it was stupid, but I took 60 pills intending on killing myself. I'd never felt so ___ in my life that someone could just walk away without any guilt or remorse after the things we'd been through already.

After that she came to the hospital but disappeared pretty quickly, she said she'd think about it and told me to give her time to think, which I did, it was painful but I did it. Anyway after two days she said what I already thought, "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough for this." the following week she visited her aunties for 3 days and during this time she texted me things like "I miss you lying next to me" etc. She agreed to meet up with me for a coffee when she got back.

The coffee we were supposed to have ended up with us going back to hers and having sex, like nothing ever happened. The day after she came to see me for an hour and the day after that the same thing again, sex at hers. I thought we were actually making progress but she said "I can't trust you, we can be friends and try to work on trust".

The confusion of it all is what drove me crazy, why pick me up and put me back down again? It's sick. Anyway, the week AFTER this, I was apparently asking too many questions, she wouldn't meet up with me for even 20 minutes and kept making excuses that she was taking care of her Mum. I kept showing up at her work because I felt like I needed answers but I got none, only pure hatred and her treating me like ___ as usual. I said some things I wish I'd never said and stuck my finger up and left. She deleted my number and blocked it and now I cannot contact her at all.

Sorry about the length of this post but I'm still scratching my head over all of this, I still haven't heard any real reasons and I'm sat here feeling like the most useless piece of sh** on planet earth. After my failed suicide attempt, I saw a psychiatrist and explained to him everything that had happened and the way she acted, her family history that I knew of and mine and he said I had been emotionally abused and that she likely had BPD, which I read up on at that point. It all fits in with the things that she did and how badly I feel.

What are the chances of her realising she let a good person go or will that be the end of it?

[msh28]

Hi people, this might be a long story but I feel terrible about how everything's gone so I don't know where to begin really... .

I met her at work, she was my manager and worked with me for a year and a half before I gathered up the courage to ask her out, which she agreed to. She always seemed a bit 'different', and there was something I always liked about her even though she wasn't really the type of girl I'm normally attracted to, couldn't explain it... .

The week before I asked her out, we were at a leaving party for another person we both worked with and I should of seen the red flags really but her ex, who she supposedly finished with in February was there and they were outside talking, or arguing I don't know (this was August time) and he looked like he was about to cry. At the end of the night, I was expecting her to drive me home but as she was giving her ex a lift, I refused. This was before we were together so it kind of felt like a kick in the guts but anyway I drove home drunk rather than get in the car with him.

The week after, I started seeing her. It seemed too good to be true straight away and after 3 weeks I'd moved into her house (she lives with her Mum). Everything went well to begin with apart from a few warning signs that I missed, i.e her storming out of the cinema on my birthday because I asked her why she was so distant and her punching me in the face one night in November. It was after November that everything went to ___ basically, in the 10 months I was with her I had 5 different jobs and got in trouble with the police on numerous occasions. I found myself obsessed with trying to keep her happy and I still don't know why or how I ended up like that.

When I felt like things were finally going well, she'd always get moody and say 'I need space' and it would always be two days where she'd apparently be down and staying at home in bed. I just thought she was depressed all along and never realised she could have BPD (a phychiatrist pointed it out last month).

She always said things felt different with me, I dunno if she said this to everyone, probably. Anyway after about 6 or 7 break up/make ups about the most pathetic and stupid things, she finally ended it with me in April. She said she needed space again and I said "should I come get my stuff then", thinking we'd talk about it but instead she put all my things in bags ready for when I arrived there. I was gutted but I still thought we could work it out but the week after that it was like she'd flipped a switch. She totally ignored me, never answered my calls, texts, never even opened the door to me when I knew she was in the house.

How do you treat a person so badly? I mean yeah, it was only 10 months I'd been with her but I was with her 99% of the time and she just cuts me off like that? I couldn't understand it. Anyway after about a week of calling, texting and showing up, I had enough and I was overwhelmed with it all. I know it was stupid, but I took 60 pills intending on killing myself. I'd never felt so ___ in my life that someone could just walk away without any guilt or remorse after the things we'd been through already.

After that she came to the hospital but disappeared pretty quickly, she said she'd think about it and told me to give her time to think, which I did, it was painful but I did it. Anyway after two days she said what I already thought, "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough for this." the following week she visited her aunties for 3 days and during this time she texted me things like "I miss you lying next to me" etc. She agreed to meet up with me for a coffee when she got back.

The coffee we were supposed to have ended up with us going back to hers and having sex, like nothing ever happened. The day after she came to see me for an hour and the day after that the same thing again, sex at hers. I thought we were actually making progress but she said "I can't trust you, we can be friends and try to work on trust".

The confusion of it all is what drove me crazy, why pick me up and put me back down again? It's sick. Anyway, the week AFTER this, I was apparently asking too many questions, she wouldn't meet up with me for even 20 minutes and kept making excuses that she was taking care of her Mum. I kept showing up at her work because I felt like I needed answers but I got none, only pure hatred and her treating me like ___ as usual. I said some things I wish I'd never said and stuck my finger up and left. She deleted my number and blocked it and now I cannot contact her at all.

Sorry about the length of this post but I'm still scratching my head over all of this, I still haven't heard any real reasons and I'm sat here feeling like the most useless piece of sh** on planet earth. After my failed suicide attempt, I saw a psychiatrist and explained to him everything that had happened and the way she acted, her family history that I knew of and mine and he said I had been emotionally abused and that she likely had BPD, which I read up on at that point. It all fits in with the things that she did and how badly I feel.

What are the chances of her realising she let a good person go or will that be the end of it?

[roberto516]

I'm sorry msh   I can relate to the cold distance, the little crumbs of attention, and then the discard again. I'm learning more and more that once they feel hurt they will never be able to put it behind them. Holding onto anger and resentment is a cornerstone of this disorder. Mine pulled the "I can't trust you" as well. Mine would go on weekend breaks with me anytime we argued.

If she comes back I think you know she is not good for you. No partner should ever make you want to take your life. Partners can make us cry, hurt us, make us feel pretty bad. But that's normal. To feel that kind of an extreme is a real sign in my opinion.

I think mine is done. There can't be any more recycles. I said so many mean things. Things to validate to her that I am not good. She has enough ammunition to use me as the sob story for her next victim. Just like yours does. If she does try to come back just remember that you are in control.

I'm not one for vengeance or revenge but you can tell her "no. leave me alone please." and come out clean on the other side. Ours ended with me the beggar twice. And I had moments where I felt in control and could leave. But she always lured me in enough so she could turn the tables on me, and put me in a begging position. If she comes back; do it for all of us here who blew the chance. And tell her to go you know where 

[msh28]

all I have been wondering is will she feel any guilt at all for the way she had treated me?

after all I did and all the good memories will she really never speak to me again? if that is what it is is I can't promise I won't be seeking revenge for the way that I feel.

[roberto516]

all I have been wondering is will she feel any guilt at all for the way she had treated me?

after all I did and all the good memories will she really never speak to me again? if that is what it is is I can't promise I won't be seeking revenge for the way that I feel.

The revenge that I am trying to enact is to live a good life. I always promised her trips and adventures once I get settled financially and payed off my student loans. She dumped me right as I paid them off. So what am I doing now? Going to New Mexico, New Orleans, a cruise (solo but it will be fun), and Europe. I don't care if she knows I'm doing these things or not. I know my revenge of living well will turn into self-love for myself again. So please don't do anything drastic. It will not end well for anyone.

To answer the first question. I think they do feel guilt at times. But it's fleeting. You have to remember if she is BPD or has a majority of traits we can't even begin to comprehend their thought processes. My ex said she was sorry for hurting me, and she'd have to live with that. But that was fleeting. Now she's back to blaming, and rage. It's not something we can understand.

When I allowed the first recycle it was predicated on me begging like a fool. When she finally realized I might be leaving for good she wanted me back. Do you know how many apologies I got for her leaving me at my darkest point of my life? None. Not one acknowledgment at all during the recycle that she hurt me, or wanted to make it up to me. I did everything to make it up to her (Crazy right?)

She will probably rationalize it away, or more than likely just suppress those feelings. She probably isn't capable of feeling them. All they seem to know is high periods of anger, depression, and anxieties. But remember they are self-centered. So those feelings are always caused by someone else in their minds.

It's probably not what you want to hear. I know I hate hearing it myself. I want some acknowledgment that it meant something. Sadly, when they reach out to reconnect it's only because they want something. It has nothing to do with us. We are merely the vessel for which they can achieve what they want.

[msh28]

I just want to know that it wasn't me, if you know what I mean.

All of the blame was put on me and even after she ended it she said we'd be friends but tried to avoid me like the plague. Every time I tried to call her she'd block it, she's blocked me from every form of social media... .

I feel like the worst, most useless person on the planet to be thrown in the bin like that especially when the day before she told me she loved me. I guess it was all a joke to her... .

So every good memory I have of the time we spent together, does she not have the ability to remember that? or will she just totally hate me in order to justify how badly she treated me?

I still think about her every day but it's like she doesn't even care if i exist anymore... .

[once removed]

hi msh28 and

im really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. members have found themselves asking many of the questions you are asking now. these tend to be volatile relationships and we often find ourselves confused, disoriented, heartbroken, in the aftermath.

learning about BPD can go a long way in terms of depersonalizing what is very hurtful behavior for us. i encourage you to read through the lessons directly to the right ------>. they address many of the common questions we have, and many of the common wounds we struggle with. additionally, a great place to start in the aftermath of a relationship with someone with BPD is our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD. i struggled with many of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

now that youve found us, how can we best support you, msh28?

[msh28]

If she has blocked all forms of contact is there any chance she will change her mind in the future and want to talk to me again or is that it? permanently?

I don't get how a person can be so cruel to anther human being, it really is disturbing.

[roberto516]

If she has blocked all forms of contact is there any chance she will change her mind in the future and want to talk to me again or is that it? permanently?

I don't get how a person can be so cruel to anther human being, it really is disturbing.

Sometimes they do. Mine did. I was sure she was done. And then I was recycled. I was sure she was then done again. Apparently she wasn't getting my texts last week so she was sending me messages trying to be funny. I found it weird that I was sending these things, and she was replying trying to be funny and nice.  That was actually another recycle attempt. But I didn't fall for it. Literally last week when I told her that I planned to try dating again she texted me "Well then we are back together, and I want have of your 401k" I literally told her that I would never fall for it again. I have a strong feeling when she starts this new job in June, and starts feeling better she will try to reach out again; maybe. I had got her tickets to a yoga fest weekend end of august with me. Yesterday when I spoke to her she asked about it, and I told her I was still going even though it was a birthday plan for her. That's when she said to "leave me alone i'm blocking you". So even that was a fishing attempt and maybe over the summer she will try again because of those tickets.

Other people here have been discarded, and never heard from the ex again. I'm 100% positive I won't be recycled anymore. Because once she works the new job she will have many more coworkers (she has 3 now. all women) so she will find someone to date there (her MO seems to be dating coworkers since she doesn't meet guys anywhere else).

She might come back. But do you really want that? Or do you just want to see that you meant something? It's what I wanted. Just for her to reach out and want to talk to me. Which she did to start the recycle. But it led me to another discard and more pain.

To go back and answer your first question of "was this your fault?" You probably played a part in it. We all have faulty relationship behaviors. Now the key is were you trying to better yourself and the relationship through actions? If you did then you couldn't do anything else. The trend seems to be that we, the nons, attempt to repair the relationship and make sacrifices to strengthen the bond. Usually that just results in our partner taking all we give, and giving nothing back to the relationship. No matter what happened there was nothing you could have done.

All relationships involve 2 human beings. Humans with faults. In a real relationship you talk about those things, and find a way to work through them. But that involves 2 people. We were dating emotional children.

And yes, people can be cruel. But I feel bad for them. They want love so bad, but they don't know how to get it. They lack empathy, care, and the ability to put love into the relationship. What she is doing is protecting herself from her emotions. It's worked well for her in the past. Sadly, your ex and mine can't see that the coping skill is also what is destroying their relationships, and making them always feel empty.

I wanted to reply to one more thing. When I was recycled I was stunned (floored!) that she saved all of the videos she had of me on her phone. I guarantee you they are deleted now (maybe). So they do have the ability to remember. But it's black or white. When you are painted black there is no way they will consider the good times.

And you aren't worthless. You are a loving human being. It's a shame that the nicest people seem to be the ones that are prey for emotional vampires. It's not your fault. You are not worthless. You tried your hardest to love someone who was unlovable, and not capable of loving back. I struggle with this too. But don't beat yourself up.

Stay strong my friend. I hope this helped.  

[Mavrik]

Sadly that's the way BPD's are and they don't feel it like us and she will have moved on already.

Who knows if they get back in touch, she may do if things start to go bad for her, why do you ask? Will you reach out to her if she does

Mine was in a bad way and asked me to go round, I told her on the phone that I'd only go round if she promised she wouldn't turn on me.

She agreed and I went round and she turned on me.

So be careful if you do reach out as she'll bits you back

[RomanticFool]

A pwBPD lacks empathy therefore they don't understand that their actions are causing pain to other people. Think of a 3 year old child, because that is the emotional development stage a BPD is stuck in. How does that child behave? Selfishly with no thought for anything other than their own needs. That is how a pwBPD behaves. No amount of trying to shame them regarding hurting you will make them change their behaviour. I have found the only way of doing it is by setting boundaries. Or the most effective way, which I have just done, is to walk away.

Many pwBPD do have a habit of coming back into our lives and recycling relationships, but not all. If they do they recycle you, a pwBPD usually still behaves in exactly the same way and leave once they are triggered by something like an abandonment fear, or an 'engulfment' fear, or even boredom.

I'm sorry for what you are going, it is a very painful process detaching from a pwBPD. Read more on this site about the disorder and keep posting on here. Do not despair friend, you don't know it yet, but you just took your first step on the road to emotional freedom and a better life.

[Mutt]

Hi msh28,

PwBPD have empathy, think of it this way, feelings are two thousand fold for a pwBPD, there's also comorbidity, meaning that gthere can be several mental illnesses concurrently, many pwBPD have anxiety and depression there could be other Pd's too, going back to Once Removed's point about reading about the disorder, there is a reason why she acted the way that she did. A pwBPD are overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety, chronic feelings of shame, now if you were in her place, would you find it hard to think about what someone else needs when you have so much going inside?

Did your P say that she was BPD because of push / pull? I think that she was telegraphing that she was feeling engulfed when she said that she needed her space, that could of happened after you moved in with her, even closer proximity.

Also, did your P ask you if you're done with the r/s? Are you wondering if there's a chance you'll get back together?

[msh28]

Well I told the psychiatrist everything that had happened with us and that is what he thought. I couldn't work out why it was all so hard to cope with, I've never dreamed about suicide over a girl but it was the way it was all done.

The Sunday we were fine and then all of a sudden the next day it was like she flipped a switch and suddenly hated my guts like I was the worst person on the planet.

I have tried to contact her by text and calling her but she never replies I imagine she's found someone else now and that's why she's cut me out of her life completely. A week ago, she still had me as a contact on WhatsApp but now she's even blocked me on that.

The confusion was her reason for ending it, she said she loved me but she couldn't trust me and no matter what I said or did it wouldn't convince her. The thing that's cracked me up so badly is that even after she ended it (April 11th) she met up again with me on the 22nd, 23rd and 24th and had sex with me each time but then each time she hated me again. And no matter how hard I tried to say the right things or get closer to her again, she kept ignoring me and getting more angry at every attempt of asking questions.

Why she's done this to me I don't know, I'm having very strange dreams about her still, I feel like the worst person on this earth and she doesn't even know I exist anymore. I feel like if I died that day it would have been less painful.

The worst feeling is knowing that if I didn't move in with her so soon, it would have lasted longer but I think where she had no space, she just started to hate me over the silliest things.

I really don't know where to go from here... .

[msh28]

And yes, even with how badly she treated me during the break up I always wondered if there was another chance for me but sadly I think I have blown it now with her blocking me from contacting her. I think she hates me even though I did nothing wrong... .

I just want to know that I meant something at least but I don't even have that.

[RomanticFool]

Mutt,

I  read about BPD prior to finding this site and it stated that a lack of empathy is the key feature. They are stuck at the development stage of a 3 year old which is before empathy is developed. For a Narcissist it is 6 years old. Are you saying this is incorrect?

I can't actually remember where I read that but having googled several psychological publications I can find little to do with having no empathy. If it is incorrect then members on this site need to be made aware as we are all citing this lack of empathy as a key feature.


I have just read a study that concludes pwBPD have lower brain activity in the areas important for empathy.

https://psychcentral.com/news/2015/08/31/low-empathy-associated-with-borderline-personality/91612.html

There is an excellent article on BPD here: www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/BPD-ekleberry.htm

No mention of a lack of empathy but talks about dysregulation in just about all areas of their personality:

Linehan proposes diagnostic criteria for BPD with specific patterns of behavioral, affective, and cognitive instability and dysregulation:

Emotional dysregulation:  These individuals are highly reactive and generally experience episodic depression, anxiety, and irritability; they also have problems with anger and anger expression.
 

Interpersonal dysregulation:  Relationships are chaotic, intense, but nevertheless, hard to give up. Individuals with BPD engage in intense and frantic efforts to keep significant others from leaving them.
 

Behavioral dysregulation:  Individuals with BPD evidence extreme and problematic impulsive and suicidal behaviors. They often attempt to injure, mutilate, or kill themselves.
 

Cognitive dysregulation:  There is indication of nonpsychotic forms of thought dysregulation including depersonalization, dissociation, and delusions that can be brought on by stressful situations.
 

Self dysregulation:  Individuals with BPD often have little sense of self; they feel empty. BPD is a disorder of both the regulation of and the experience of the self. (Linehan, 1993, p. 11)

[roberto516]

And yes, even with how badly she treated me during the break up I always wondered if there was another chance for me but sadly I think I have blown it now with her blocking me from contacting her. I think she hates me even though I did nothing wrong... .

I just want to know that I meant something at least but I don't even have that.

You are me when this all happened. I would have typed the same exact thing. I can tell you now that I don't blame myself. I have some regrets that it happened this way. But I don't hold the blame anymore. I did before. Like you.

You meant something for her, at a time. Sadly, like all of us, it wasn't a meaning that was predicated on a commitment to put mutual work in, through thick and thin, etc. etc.

It really helps to grieve, and allow yourself to be sad. That doesn't mean sit there and ruminate on the memories, what if's, etc. It means telling yourself you are (fill in the emotion), and then just sit with it. Notice how it feels physically when you feel that way. Tell yourself it's okay that you are sad. If you can focus on the emotion and not the details you will find yourself improving.

But it sounds like you just need to grieve and go through this knockout punch. Like we all did. Nothing anyone said to me helped in the beginning in a way that I felt immediately better. Just know you aren't alone. Look at the support! And that's okay to be sad and grieve. 

[msh28]

I just want to know that it wasn't all my fault, to be honest... .

I can take the fact that she no longer wants to be with me but the way it all happened has left me scratching my head over it, still. "I love you, but I can't trust you". Well if you had feelings, would you not have spoken to me AT ALL in the weeks after dumping me?

Every time I call her, she hangs up, she's blocked me from all social media, so has her Mum. What is the big issue in sitting down and talking about things like adults? I can't understand it, it's sick.

Part of me wants to see her and ask for answers and part of me feels like driving my car straight through her front room for what she's done to me.

Will she do the same things in every relationship or was it my fault? She said I told too many little lies (which I did but that was months and months ago) and suddenly she doesn't trust me. It ended with our relationship status on Facebook being deleted, something I'm sure she did but she'll never admit it. She told me it was me, even though I had photos of us on my page so what would be the point?

[roberto516]

 there is a reason why she acted the way that she did. A pwBPD are overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety, chronic feelings of shame, now if you were in her place, would you find it hard to think about what someone else needs when you have so much going inside?

This is why it's difficult for someone with traits to talk about how they are feeling/give an explanation. As you are overwhelmed with feelings right now your natural inclination is to want to figure it out/talk about. Someone with BPD traits first inclination is to make the pain go away.

I can't help but see myself in you, and it's just a lot of rumination going on. That's okay.

The answers are going to have to come from you. Not giving her answers. Giving yourself answers. She is a 1000 piece puzzle, and no matter how hard we try we will always be missing pieces. You won't ever get the whole picture. You'll gain a great sense of her personality through reading the research, and knowledge section of this site. But the answers you have to find for yourself. Why do you feel this way? What's causing you to feel so hurt inside of you? Etc, etc. But that takes time.

Sadly the questions you have won't be given answers by her. I tried for 5 months. Imagine 5 months of trying to seek closure. Nothing... .absolutely nothing that made any logical sense.

Last thing, she probably will do it with other men. The only way she won't is if he is able to give her what she wants for longer than you were able to. But all humans have their breaking points. You seem some posters here were in relationships for decades. But eventually, everyone has enough. It's not sustainable. I'm the most loving, selfless human being I know. I could only make it about 18 months before I had to beg her to put some effort into keeping us together.

[msh28]

Is there any chance of her talking to me again in the future?

I did say some nasty things to her, but I'd like to think I'm still in her mind somewhere.

[bayview]

If she has blocked all forms of contact is there any chance she will change her mind in the future and want to talk to me again or is that it? permanently?

I don't get how a person can be so cruel to anther human being, it really is disturbing.

Do you want this "cruel" to change her mind and contact you? If so why?
I would say if she doesn't you would be a lucky person to escape sooner than later.
My daughter has wreaked havoc in the lives of 2 very innocent men. It was so very sad for us to witness. We cared for her 2 spouses a lot. We treated them like our own sons. So much pain they endured. Spouse #2 is still living in the thick of it knowing full aware she is having an affair with a new source of supply. We have had to step away as it is too painful to watch. His codependency is very strong. They have a child together as well. I wish she would leave her 2nd husband to put him out of his misery. He isn't going anywhere until she discards him. She won't do that until she is secure the new guy is solid. Her first husband even warned 2nd husband what was going to happen but he was in the love bombing phase with her. It doesn't end well and the longer it drags out the more pain and destruction takes place. I wish you well.   

[Mutt]

Hi msh28,

Is there any chance of her talking to me again in the future?

I did say some nasty things to her, but I'd like to think I'm still in her mind somewhere.

I'd suggest to read up on splitting, a pwBPD have a difficult time seeing the world and the people in it an integrated, your either all good or all bad, in reality people have both good qualities and bad qualities, that's why she liked one minute and hated you the next. You got close to her, people split the people that they care about most. You're seeing a P, talking to a support group, all positive steps, can you elaborate on what you mean by you're not sure where to start?

I was married with kids with my ex with BPD traits at the end she was absolutely determined to leave and she did, she stopped communicating with me too, we had a young family and lived together for several years, I've had depression for most of my adult life, I was really depressed after she left, there was a point where I wanted to take my own life, you're not alone with these thoughts. I've had them too, I have depression under control for now, i'm guessing that you're getting yours treated if you're seeing a T?

[msh28]

I have no job now, no money, no self esteem, nothing. She said we'd always be friends but since she split up with me it's been like she doesn't even remember I exist... .She knew most of my most intimate secrets and everything and I know a few of hers (unless that was a lie too) and she just walks away, ignores me and cuts off all contact from me like I'm nothing.

I even tried contacting her though her mother to see if she was okay and she blocked me too. How hard is it to send a message, does she HATE me that much that I'm not even worthy of a text message?

[once removed]

its natural that you would want some form of explanation from her. theres a lot of pain here, and her behavior feels difficult to comprehend.

reaching out seems to be having a compounding negative effect. often times, when a relationship ends, and we reach for explanation, or soothing words, it is seen as clingy, and pushes the other person away further. i suspect, given the nature of BPD, and her feelings at the moment, that reaching out is reinforcing her feelings. in turn, it leaves you feeling even more rejected.

this is really hard, and painful stuff. i know it threw my world upside down that the love of my life suddenly treated me like her worst enemy. youre in good company now, with people who understand, and can tell you that there is hope, and that things do indeed get better.

keep reading, learning, and posting. we are here for you at every step of this journey, and we know how hard and overwhelming all of this can be.

[msh28]

It just feels like she is dead but I know she's alive. Why won't she just talk to me? Is there something she is hiding? I mean I have taken all of the blame and I didn't even do the dumping.

She's acted like I'm a piece of dirt straight away after ending it with me. I know I shouldn't of demanded answers but what else would anyone do in that situation? it's just not normal... .

Will she eventually talk to me again or will I be forever hated because I asked why?

[once removed]

It just feels like she is dead but I know she's alive.

i felt similarly. it was a surreal feeling. the world was a dark place.

we cant know whats in her head; youre in a better position to speculate on that than we are.

Will she eventually talk to me again or will I be forever hated because I asked why?

this is impossible to say. the question is whether you intend to wait to find out. are you wanting to rekindle the relationship? if so, the Saving board would be a better fit for relationship repair.

[Mutt]

Hi msh28,

Are you done with the r/s? Many of us asked ourselves what could I have done differently to avert the break up. If there is something that BPD behaviors teach us with all or nothing thinking is that there are no absolutes.

I've read different posts from members where they heard from their ex again in a week, a month, years or even decades after they were split black, you can look at this from a a couple of different angles, you can focus on yourself and learn the r/s tools over on saving or focus on yourself, grieve the r/s, mend your wounds and do the self work on leaving.

[msh28]

I honestly doubt I'll ever rekindle anything when she hates me like this. Her ex was trying to rekindle things with her and they lasted a lot longer than me and her did and she wouldn't have anything to do with him either.

I just want a text message or a phone call, anything to let me know that I wasn't a waste of time and that she doesn't hate me so much that all the things I did for her and the things we spoke about meant anything at all to her.

At the moment I really do wish I wasn't here living this never ending nightmare which nobody understands but me. My own family are sick of me now and I just don't know where else to turn.

I can't beg her anymore than I have already and apart from that all I feel is spite. I can't understand hw anyone can treat another human being so cruelly for doing nothing apart from love them.

All I want is some form of communication.

[msh28]

Hi msh28,

Are you done with the r/s? Many of us asked ourselves what could I have done differently to avert the break up. If there is something that BPD behaviors teach us with all or nothing thinking is that there are no absolutes.

I've read different posts from members where they heard from their ex again in a week, a month, years or even decades after they were split black, you can look at this from a a couple of different angles, you can focus on yourself and learn the r/s tools over on saving or focus on yourself, grieve the r/s, mend your wounds and do the self work on leaving.

Well it is pretty much done and I think I did more damage by asking for answers which I couldn't help. She expected me to just walk away without a real answer or a reason why and I couldn't understand why she was being so cold and ignoring me straight away, I couldn't do it.

I was only with her from August April but it was so intense we moved in together after 2 weeks, which, looking at it now is probably where I went wrong but I couldn't help it at the time. I'd known her for about a year and a half before that as I worked with her, we always got along and now all of a sudden I'm being treated like I'm the worst person on earth and other guys who've worked with her for a matter of weeks are treated like God's.

As far as the relationship goes I think it's done, who knows. I'd take her back even after all of this pain she's caused me but I don't think she will change her mind now, I just feel I deserve some form of contact for the good times we had and the things I did for her and the encouragement I gave her.

There was no need for it to be ended like that. Especially when deep down she knew she could of trusted me. That's something I think I'll never get my head around, whether or not she was honest in not trusting me or whether it was something else entirely - I.e her overlapping, falling out of love with me, cheating etc.

Is she likely to reach out despite the horrible things I said to her?

[Mutt]

Hi msh28,

My advice is if you're really done with the r/s, I'd let go of any ideas about getting back together to speed up the healing process.

[once removed]

this is where learning more about the disorder can really come in handy.

these are defense/survival mechanisms which are complicated, and complex. the behavior feels very personal to us, but it is processed by our exes differently than we tend to imagine.

i know. that takes very little sting out. but i found some solace in the early days of my recovery by learning more about the disorder. it helped me to answer my questions (i had thousands) and give me a sense of resolve and resolution.

have you read the article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD? how did you react to it? are you struggling with any of the particular ten beliefs that can keep us stuck?

[msh28]

Yeah I am struggling on all of the 10 beliefs.

I am blaming everything on myself but somehow I don't trust her reasons, "I love you but I dont trust you" doesn't sound like a proper reason to walk away from me when I gave her nothing to not trust me over... .

I can't help thinking there was more to it, I couldn't satisfy her (ed problems she knew about but said it must be her) or something similar. She thought I was making it up even though I have been going to hospital appointments since November as I think I have damaged something (another worry now) she said I made her feel hideous.

The thought that that could of been the reason (even though she has never previously said that to me) is making me sick to the stomach as there was nothing I could do about it.