Lack of closure has me reeling

[WhichWaysUp]

As the subject line indicates, it's the lack of closure that I can't seem to move past.   3 and half weeks ago she kissed me, told me she loved me, and left for her weekly counselling appointment.    I haven't heard from her since.    She's alive and well.  Read the saga here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309163.0

The best way I can describe it is that while I wasn't surprised, I was still shocked.  If that Makes sense.      The day before she walked out she did a full food shopping.   She was in counseling.   She was on meds.  She seemed to be making an effort.

I'm just having a hard time believing it. it's truly a what the heck moment.

Everything was normal... .until it wasn't.

[Mutt]

Hi WhichWaysUp,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You experienced a life event less than a month ago, it's going take time to process this  I completely understand and we can feel stuck when our exes's don't give us proper closure, we can give closure to ourselves. Hang in there.

[Mavrik]

I know you probably know this already and maybe don't want to hear it, but it's highly likely thaf you won't get closure.

There were 101 questions i wanted to ask my ex buf was unable to.

They don't care, will blame you anyways and make up a story.

So you won't ever get to know the truth.

[publicdefender]

I completely get this.  One weekend I'm taking care of her with the flu, the next she's ghosted me, avoiding contact, and telling mutual acquaintances that I'm stalking her.

As to the closure, you're not going to get it.  I ran into my ex last weekend and asked if I could speak to her and find out what the heck is going on, and her only response was loud, "It just didn't work!  Get over it!"  If you try for closure they will turn it against you and probably make you look like a fool.

They are all hurting and like any animal looking to get out of a painful situation they will lash out and care only about their survival.  You looking for closure is going to be taken as you wanting to re-open those old wounds from before she even knew you but she now affiliates with you.

[Mavrik]

My ex wanted to meet up after it ended, at the meeting shr turned on me and I asked her a few questions to get closure and she shut down and didn't respond.

Since then she's blocked me on everything and so I can't ask anything.

Like I said they won't allow closure

[CorsaG19]

I completely get this.  One weekend I'm taking care of her with the flu, the next she's ghosted me, avoiding contact, and telling mutual acquaintances that I'm stalking her.

As to the closure, you're not going to get it.  I ran into my ex last weekend and asked if I could speak to her and find out what the heck is going on, and her only response was loud, "It just didn't work!  Get over it!"  If you try for closure they will turn it against you and probably make you look like a fool.

They are all hurting and like any animal looking to get out of a painful situation they will lash out and care only about their survival.  You looking for closure is going to be taken as you wanting to re-open those old wounds from before she even knew you but she now affiliates with you.

Pretty much the same for me as well. Her response was constantly 'we dont work' 'it doesnt work' and 'do you think we actually worked?' I get the feeling this has been her excuse for all the previous ex's as well. There will never be closure. And right now im only on day 4 of NC but i have no desire to try and get any. The longer NC goes the stronger i feel and less interested in trying to find out what the hell happened

[The Teacher]

Dear WhichWay:

I read your "saga" and your post above. I am very sorry she did this to you and that you cannot get closure, but please, believe me, you may be luckier than you think.

I was the replacement for my wife. She had initiated divorce conversations with her husband of 30 years and "found me" on facebook after several decades (we had dated in high school). She lured me in big time. Looking back on it, I cannot understand what came over me that I fell for her. I lived in another state. Within eight months of seeing her every other weekend, I found myself leaving my old job, moving to her state, getting a new job, and buying a new house. the housing market had fallen so I couldn't sell my old house. Now, I had a rental 400 miles away. Even before I moved into the new house I bought, she moved into it, citing how terrible it was living with her husband. She would up surrendering 9 years of spousal support she would have been due from their 30-year marriage. I married her about a month after her divorce was final. She dragged him through hell for 13 months. I am ashamed that I was part of it, being with a married woman and listening to her sob stories about him.

Fast forward 3-1/2 years. I learned what the real person was. The whirlwind romance was over and the BPD had come out. You know the drill. Life with her became so intolerable, and I couldn't get her to focus on her BPD in therapy so I filed for divorce.  That was 10 months ago. She threatened false allegations and I had to leave my home. She claimed abandonment of the home and lives in it now while I pay the bills and live in a studio apartment. She has dragged out the divorce with unreasonable demands and forcing one real estate appraisal after another. The end of the marriage is within sight, but while incredibly peaceful to not live with a person with this disorder, it has not been easy on me. And there will be no closure, either.

Believe me, I know it is hard, but it could be a lot worse. I only wish she had gone back to her husband like your girlfriend had.

The Teacher

[Icefog]

I can certainly relate to the no closure. My BPD ex abruptly left 4 months ago after a 3 year relationship. There was no indication previously that anything was wrong... .in fact I listened to her a few days before tell people this was the best relationship ever... .then done... .by texy message... .then nothing. I asked for a meeting to try and understand why and she said " I'll message you" lmao! As you can guess no message came so I've been doing closure myself. I can concur with others that posted here... .you are not likely to get closure and if you do it likely won't be what you're looking for. I now understand that this was a lifelong pattern of my ex... .classical BPD. She sure couldn't take esponsibilith or solve problems in the relationship so why would I expect her to conclude the relationship in a mature and healthy way? She just doesn't have the emotional intelligence nor the intestinal fortitude to deal with it. Couple that with lack of empathy for anyone and closure or healthy relationships aren't going to happen... .and never have for her. I have come to understand I am just another casualty in a long list of partners, friends, and family that she has done this to. It's pathological behavior that is part of BPD. I know her and I know what she's about... .that's all the closure I need.  It doesn't take away the pain and loneliness but that's my work to do... .just as it will be for my replacement, and the next and the next. People with BPD should have warning signs on them in the interest of reducing victimization.

[WhichWaysUp]

(Copied from other thread. "Round and round"

For over 4 years she has always stayed (come home) for 5-8 months.  Then "leaves" for 1-4 weeks, before returning home to me.

She's been gone for 3.5 weeks with no contact.  Until today.

I received a two word facebook message:
 "I'm sorry".

My first reaction was surprise to hear from her.  Then I was relieved.   Not happy, but relieved.   Not sure of the significance of that.

But then I was annoyed.   "I'm sorry" seems whoa fully inadequate.    Sorry for what exactly?  - for actually leaving?      Sorry just for the way it was done?   Sorry for involving the police?  Sorry for not being in touch for nearly a month?

But she did say sorry.   Does that show contrition or are they just empty words? 

Still not sure what I want out of this. Uggghh. If I were sure what I wanted, she'd be blocked.   But she's not.  I've left the door ajar.    I'm peeved at myself for not being able to take this final step in blocking her.   

My heart still clings to misguided hope I suppose.   

I'm grateful to these boards and the members here.    It's a tough topic to discuss with most friends and family because they just can't "understand" the intensity of these relationships.

[once removed]

But she did say sorry.   :)oes that show contrition or are they just empty words? 

i think shes likely communicating that she finds it ("im sorry" appropriate for the circumstances, and is cracking the door open for communication. its a statement of vulnerability, given its a scenario where she risks rejection.

do you intend to respond?

[WhichWaysUp]

Though I wish I had taken the time to think it through, I did respond in the heat of the moment.  I was brutally honest and exposed my emotional state by saying "My heart breaks, my head hurts and my soul aches".

She has yet to read my response.    It seems she messaged me then withdrew.

[Rayban]

Here is my take.  Closure is difficult to give for a BPD because it means closing the door for good.  Knowing how much a BPD hates to lose attachments, it stands to reason that no closure equates to the possibility of rekindling if and when THEY need to.

In moments of clarity you might get a soft sorry, or admittedce of fault which will usually be accompanied by a ... .but you (insert blame shift here).

In the end, for me, closure came with NC. Giving myself the opportunity to take a hard, long look back and my role in the dysfunction.  I realized like all those exes before me, I couldn't change her. I could only get the help needed for myself to avoid such relationships in the future.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Looking for closure from a pwBPD is an act in futility.

They end things suddenly (well suddenly for us), they move on to a new partner quickly and without a second thought. All of the good memories with us are now nonexistent or bad in their minds. We are bad, they are good.

You cannot try to understand the rhyme or reason of a pwBPD. The word borderline in BPD derives from them bordering on psychosis (a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality). Nothing about a pwBPD makes sense so don't try to make sense of it.

Get off the forums, go for a walk/jog/bike ride. Forget her, move on with your life. You'll see when you're healed that this is the best course of action and you'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Vegan... .-
I have been reading this forum since I found it on 5/11.  I was searching the phrase "unprovoked rage in men".  And that phrase kept leading me to BPD, with those male traits describing my man nearly to a T. 

My lover raged out of here a month ago after a 3.5+ year relationship, and this time, I walked onto the patio, slid the door closed and simply let him leave.  I wanted it to be the last time.  I was worn down by his rages, his lies, his abuse, his theft, and on and on... .the only thing he had not done (to my knowledge) was cheat.  That man has nearly emptied my soul.

Your last post has for some reason provided incredible clarity for me.  You see, my ex has three sons who live out of state.  They're about 26, 24 and 22 now.  I have NEVER met them.  The only contact I am aware of, is supposedly three months after we started dating they met him down at his home in Costa Rica (in 12/2013), but he would NEVER show me the "photos"; and last summer one son called and asked for $5k to buy a car, which I funded and my boyfriend paid me back.  No phone calls, no emails.  My ex tells a story that his in-laws would not permit contact, that they were very wealthy awful people, that his ex-wife had a horrible spending problem, that he took care of the kids completely (I can see him doing a lot - he is helpful).  But saying he allowed them to leave this state and then was not allowed to see the kids, I don't get.  It was the RAGE.  I get it now!

I used to think the rage must have developed as a result of this pain about the kids... but no.  I don't think so.  The rage must have already been there.  His wife's parents rescued her from the BPD husband.  I always had so much discomfort around the lack of conversation about the kids.  I wanted so much to meet them.

There are so many other things... .I loved this man.  But I have to let him go now.  He has left in rages many times before, came right back and I let him.  He tried this time and I didn't let him.  He emailed me two days later, three days later and then texted two weeks later.  His last words were "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want".  I let his words hang in the air.  Because I have to... .

So thank you for really showing me that I will never understand or be able to make sense of why pwBPD do what they do.  The saddest part is that I know he loves me the best way that he knows how... .and he's only staying away because I'm making him stay away, but he'll be fine.  I'll have a harder time.  We're both 59.  I thought I found my dream man after my incredibly painful divorce... .uggghh!

[heartandwhole]

Hi WhichWay,

The shock of the abrupt 180˚ is something I experienced, too. I felt like my heart, my world, was shattered. Not just because of pwBPD leaving the relationship, but for what I had done... .to myself.

This is the dark night where we have to shore up our inner strength. Sometimes we have to white-knuckle it until we can breathe freely again. But you can do this. Keep leaning on your support system; come here and post; read everything you can on this site. Knowledge is power and detachment will set you free. That has been my experience. 

If you can, be extra tender with yourself and let yourself feel. It can be he!l, but I haven't found any shortcuts for that. Most of us will do anything to avoid feeling what we don't want to feel, but if we can't even embrace and love ourselves enough to hold that pain with tenderness and non-judgment, then how can we expect anyone else to be able to do it?

Are you getting enough sleep and exercise, WhichWay? Have you spoken with your therapist, if you have one, about this? This kind of heartbreak requires a lot of support—it's not like a "normal" breakup. It goes much deeper.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I know how much closure would help. It does sound like your gf has felt remorse, and wanted you to know. It's okay to love her with all your heart. Sometimes we have to love from afar, at least for a while. And most importantly, we have to learn to turn that love back toward ourselves. It's not easy. I'm still working on it, too. 

heartandwhole

[Stripey77]

  all

I think Rayban has it right. My ex and I have gone through a number of unbelievably painful STs  - all instigated by him and all just as abruptly ended by him. He's not talking to me atm although to be honest I think that the penny has dropped with him that for once I am the one doing the ignoring. I don't think right now that he would even dare to approach me because he really has upset me, and he knows that I have seen the real him. Anyway, the circumstances of why we aren't talking this time are kind of academic, because in reality both of us have left the door ajar.

To be clear, and because I have told him this, I will never, ever totally turn my back on him. Because I have so much better an understanding of who and what he is, and because I told him I am always here for him and I am true to my word. Of course there are certain 'dealbreakers' but I have never had a moment's worry that my ex will turn violent - if anything, under stress, he turns inward, turns silent and walks out of uncomfortable conversations. The barriers come up, not his fists. I know that he is in turmoil, I know that it is far far too easy to simply dismiss him as a son of a b*tch (as his oldest ex-friend here does) or worse (as many have to me) and whilst I concede that he has certainly behaved in a way to all of us to deserve these names, I know that something far more complex is going on.  I can never ever go back to being his lover because of recent revelations, but I will never disregard him if he wants to talk to me. Sometimes, he has come to talk to me and offered me some profound moments of lucidity and self awareness that have taken me aback. He is aware of there being something wrong... he just doesn't know what it is. And he masks the darkness with copious gallons of alcohol, and as I have now discovered, cocaine. (Not a surprise.) I don't see a total b*stard, I see someone who acts like one, who is in turmoil and who doesn't know why he does some of the things he does.

He seems to be losing friends and not influencing people here at an increasing rate, including close friends of many years' standing, because he has forcibly ejected them and also done some jaw dropping heinous things to them. I have only discovered some of this recently, up until this point I thought it was just me who had been 'dropped'. Although I am the one who's been pushed the furthest by a long chalk, having been blocked on almost every social media and comms channel. If there's one thing that being in love with a BPD has taught me, it's that social media really is NOT REAL LIFE. I keep telling my friends they can engrave that on my gravestone   He blocked me on almost every channel he could a year and half ago and informed me that I was deleted and cancelled, i.e. I didn't exist. This has not stopped him reengaging with me several times since then... .me, the invisible ghost. Being intimate with me, having heart to hearts with me, wanting to talk to me all night on nights out, walking home with me hand in hand... .whilst I remain blocked.  Being deleted on Facebook by anyone now pales into insignificance with me now.  It says so much more about the person doing the blocking.

Anyway, back to the point. I last saw my ex on Monday evening at very close quarters and we momentarily looked at each other... .the night before he went away for 3 weeks' holiday. We ignored each other. But the interesting thing is that there is one other social media app we're both quite active on, which he hasn't blocked me on (or vice versa) and even more telling, the one channel he has always always used to communicate with me on (WhatsApp) remains unblocked. I will not block him. I am fairly sure he's not going to block me. As Rayban says, they need to leave a door ajar.  :)espite everything that has happened, my ex, I am quite quite sure, is going to want to talk to me again at some point.

As I say, I can't be with him again even though every single part of me, and my heart, wishes we could be. I realise that people will tell me that I 'should' block him, but I'm not going to do that.  I miss him constantly. I want him to know that I am here if he needs me. What he doesn't know is that he won't be in my bed again even though I am fairly sure he may try his luck again some day. Everyone here is so used to the pattern, that it's not even me making these predictions... .He stated (before this latest drama) that I am such a wonderful person who he doesn't want to lose from his life, but that he can't give me the r/s... .whilst still wanting to be my sometimes lover. Well he doesn't have to lose me completely, and I have to find the strength to enforce the rest. It's not what I ever wanted but this is where we are.

My ex also very very abruptly ended things with me, doing the 180 in attitude towards me at the end of summer 2015 - just four hours after seeming to be more in love with me than ever. It was that sudden... .I  have been where all of you are. Yet time and again he has come back to me, in a turmoil of trying to tell me to give up on him and keep away whilst still trying to cosy up to me. He can't be my boyfriend but he can't quite put me down. This latest chapter, to me, is just that, the latest chapter. I can't take his ST or walking past me particularly seriously anymore, seeing as I have already been brought back from the dead for him. Of course I have the choice and the power to cut HIM off, but I'm not going to do that. Not least of all because I miss talking to him and miss his company enormously.  There is no 'closure' unless you find it and instigate it yourself.

I so wish that all of this could be different, for all of us. But please don't expect 'closure'. In my experience, it doesn't even really exist with any relationship ending, and the whole notion is over rated. Usually one partner is still going to feel hard done by or totally confused, or shocked, etc. etc. Only time will eventually heal.  

[Stripey77]

I should also add as a footnote, my reasons for wanting to stay connected and civil with him are not just emotional, although they are the driving factor. As I have posted many times before, we live in a tiny, tiny town which, (although the population dramatically increases in summer with holidaymakers), is populated by a very tightly knit culturally mixed ex-pat community. We all know each other, and those of us in a certain age bracket (mid 20s to mid 40s) are all interlinked and work and play in the same areas. Walking past someone in such a tiny town is unnecessarily unpleasant, and last year when it first happened, upset me so much I thought I was going to die from the grief. That's not the case now as so much has happened in between, but it's still very sad and unpleasant. It's also just downright pathetic. Ghosting someone, let alone someone you've mutually expressed being IN LOVE with has never been my choice of dealing with emotional difficulties and I wouldn't choose it now, but it's his chosen method. But now it's almost just boring. Because I know this ST will come to an end (there is no closure  ) I am much more able to cope with it, far far stronger, and able to show him that I am able to crack on with my life unaffected (the last bit isn't true but I make it look like it is.) I walk wherever I want, whereas last year I felt that there were 'no go zones' in town. Isn't that sad? Too frightened to go to the main supermarket in case I saw him and got ignored and felt devastated. Then, I didn't know that he wasn't gone for good, although it felt too surreal to be true.  Even then deep down I thought, he has to talk to me again, hasn't he? This man who was in love with me... .how can I be nothing to him at a click of a finger? Well it turned out I was right.

Now, because I want to live my life here not run around frightened and not feed the BPD monster (I mean the illness, not him) I go where I want. I go to 'his' local bars (what a joke, they are just 5 mins' walk from my house... .everywhere is local, ) and I talk to whomever I choose. I have discovered that the more connections I forge here, the more friends I make and show myself to be a kind and loving person, the more strength I have, the more I am carving a life out for myself. Last year I felt physically sick at the prospect of walking up the high street in case I saw him and he ignored me. Now I do it whenever I want, knowing he is ignoring me, and knowing that it's him who is backed into a corner and starting to look silly and unreasonable.

Don't get me wrong, it still makes me as nervous and wobbly legged as ever, but I have every much right as him to be in these bars or on these streets, etc. My friends have been amazingly supportive and come with me knowing I am scared, with a "f him" attitude. When we sat in 'his' local bar near his home (but not far from mine) just a few days ago, it was him who had the surprise when he walked past and saw me sitting there. Well good, because I am not going to be drummed out of town by his BPD, and anyway, he and I used to go there all the time together. Why should I feel as if it's now out of bounds to me because he's pretending I don't exist?

So my reasons are pragmatic, just as much as they are emotional. I save my tears and bouts of sadness over this for when I am at home and in private, and they are nothing compared to this time last year. I am determined to heal from this and be in charge of my life. Because there is no closure, I have learned to live with his behaviour patterns, pretty certain in the knowledge that he will eventually back down and want to make an approach - particularly when he realises that his treatment of me is not impacting on my life but that I am in fact the one doing the disregarding. Perversely, I have noticed that when I REALLY turn the other cheek and walk past him having given up trying to get him to talk to me, that is when he has come running. Or waited in a bar to jump on me the minute I walk through the door. Or grab my arm. Or turn up under my balcony unexpectedly.  That is the BPD abandonment fear kicking in. I can almost work out how to play this, I'm so used to it. It's not what I want at all, I want to express love and kindness, but showing him my cold shoulder has without exception to date, made him end his self enforced STs.

You really really have to get the 'upper hand' and be one step ahead if you want any kind of control of the situation. Don't let their BPD rule your life, just be aware of what you're dealing with, and remember that our exes are predictable in their unpredictability. Mine really could try to talk to me ... .well... .any time. Who knows.

There is no closure, there is no closure. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the cards you've been dealt, and play with them accordingly. Acceptance is the key to your own peace of mind. We are or have been in love with BPD sufferers, and as such, we have to change our 'expectations' as to how we think they should behave. They're not going to give you the neat ending you desire (which I think it a myth in any r/s anyway), so we all need to find another way to have closure. In my case, it is to accept, above all, that there isn't any. There isn't, so just let that idea go.  This is the key to beginning to heal.

[RomanticFool]

I feel the same way. Closure is something that pwBPD seem to avoid. In my case I started not to trust her. Her lack of a convincing explanation around what she told me hit red flags in my mind. She claimed that her husband had discovered the affair and then said ':)on't worry he doesn't know it's you.' It broke my heart to walk away but I'm nobody's fool. Rather than get into a protracted 'You're lying' - 'How dare you accuse me' type of argument, I just walked. She told me that she couldn't see me for the forseeable future and just cut my losses. Depsite the promises made with words and kisses, I knew it all meant nothing to her in that moment. She wanted out and just like at the beginning of the relationship - I gave her what she needed. Only this time she needed me to go - so I did.