Does BPD = emotional abuse?

[Jej]

Hello, just a quick one. I have told my partner with BPD that I think he is emotionally abusive in our relationship. He shouts daily, always criticises, puts me down, never really has a positive word to say about me, dismisses everything I achieve or even fails to acknowledge it.  Partner says its to do with the illness that he doesn't realise he's doing it. I'm reluctant to accept that as feel it will just give more licence for him to act out. Any thoughts, advice please as I'm growing increasingly tired of feeling unhappy every single day. Thank you.

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[Meili]

My opinion is that even if BPD does cause people to rage and act in abusive ways, it is not an excuse for doing so.

People who present traits of BPD typically have maladaptive coping mechanisms and that is where all of the raging and insults seem to stem from. They also seem to lack impulse control and allow things to come out of their mouths that a non would never say.

But, just like everyone else, emotions are just emotions and they do not dictate our actions unless we allow them to do so. pwBPD typically do not have the tool set to deal with their intense emotions though and thus react to them.

But, there is some good news here. First, they can learn to act differently. And, secondly, you can learn to react and respond to him differently so as to mitigate the situation.

Not escalating fights by listening with empathy and not being invalidating will go a long way to stopping things before they become problems. Also, defining and maintaining boundaries will help to protect you from abusive behaviors.

There are some basic tools in the sidebar to the right of this page that will help you learn more about these things.

[Iris8]

I can understand where your coming from - I find it hard to tell whether it is the illness or the person speaking. I often find that the criticisms are closely related to something the BPD person is feeling about themselves. For example she often tells me I am stupid and incapable when she is angry about a situation she cannot control. I try to remember that the criticism is mostly a reflection of her anger about her own life, and has little to do with my actions. But it is impossible to brush it off completely and I generally feel really upset about it. I think it is good to remember that you don't have to listen when they are being mean - I try to walk away and say we will talk later when they feel better.

[Portent]

I would say almost always. The main difference between BPD and anti-social personality disorder is IMHO how the person acts out their anger. The pwASPD is physically abusive  the pwBPD is emotionally abusive.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I'd say it's definitely emotional abuse, based on results. As the earlier commenter said, just because a mental illness is the cause for a behavior, that doesn't justify the behavior.

If having a clear definition of abuse would help you to make decisions about this relationship, then I would encourage you to educate yourself about the dynamics of abuse.  One good resource for this is the ASPIRE initiative.  They have a website with a whole list of educational and support resources, designed for different age groups. There are good definitions of abuse, including verbal/emotional abuse.  This might help you determine whether your partner's behavior qualifies.

But whether it does or it doesn't, you're still unhappy and that is a situation that needs to change. I think the labels are less important than the way this is making you feel and the toll it is taking on your sense of self. If you want to stay in this relationship then something clearly has to change.  If you haven't yet, you might want to read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's very pragmatic and has real strategies for dealing with BPD behavior. It's helped my brother a lot in his relationship with his BPD wife.

I wish you the best!

[Jej]

Thank you all, I have read Walking On Eggshells, nothing is helping at the moment to be honest. My unhappiness is just too strong, and I am very weary of it all. I've been trying to listen, care for years, that gets thrown back in my face repeatedly. I understand only I can decide what to do. Thank you.

[Meili]

Hey Jej,

I know that it's tough and tiring. I remember those days when I just wanted to walk away from it all. Like you, I was completely drained and weary. In fact, I did walk away for a bit to regroup, re-energize, and do what I needed to do for myself. We must take care of ourselves first and foremost after all.

One of the things that we talk about around here is a Therapeutic Separation to Restart the Relationship. This is different from a trial separation in that the focus is healing to have the strength to keep moving forward in repairing the damaged relationship. A trial separation is when people split to see if terminating the relationship is what they want. Are you to the point where you think that you need to try a therapeutic separation?

Before you take that step though, I'd like to ask how your boundaries are and what you are doing for yourself to take care of you?

[Jej]

Hello Meili - I have tried to and do reinforce my boundaries. Say I won't be sworn at, that I don't like it, won't be shouted at, won't do everything for him. It had a slight impact at first, now it just triggers him, in a, "you can't tell me what to do kind of way". I feel better away from him, less anxious, more confident, but there are children, so will not trial separate. He has talked about going away until he's better in the past and I said no. I would never initiate that, but if he suggested if again, I don't think I'd fight this time. I do little for myself, my children come first - always my time goes on them, and I often feel guilty about taking any time for me.

[once removed]

hi Jej,

its natural in a relationship that when one party changes their approach, the other party does too. often times when we introduce boundaries, our partners will rail against them. this is called an extinction burst (more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) and it doesnt necessarily mean you are doing the "wrong thing" but it may mean that doing the right thing is hard on you and the relationship at first, and may require reiteration and pushing through, along with positive reinforcement.

additionally, and unfortunately, you can say you wont be sworn at or shouted at, but this doesnt necessarily mean he will respect your boundary, and firm boundaries center around our responses to behavior we wont tolerate.

there are some really good examples of practical and applicable setting of boundaries, even when our partner busts them, here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

[lostandconfused6]

I often struggle to know which to accept. He tells me in a rage that what he is saying then is the truth, but when he's level headed and calm he takes it back and says that's the truth and it just continues in a cycle and I never know what to believe. Then it goes into his intentions are concrete even if his words and actions don't always match his intention. I'm left with my head spinning.

I believe this goes back to the rapid mood swings, quickly changing feelings, and black and white thinking. I'm left with the question of what to believe the black or the white or none of it?

[hope2727]

According to the psychologist I saw yes it does. He forwarded me to this website which is somewhat extensive and difficult to navigate but I find useful. It reminds me to not allow or excuse abusive behaviour.

It is by a psychologist who does research in the area of abuse in relationships. Check it out if it helps. I have used it as a resource in my research for my Masters degree and its been very helpful.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html

[Pedro]

Following recent conversations I have had with a colleague I confided in, they believe I have experienced emotional abuse in my relationship. They believe more so  since the relationship ended where my ex gfBPD has commented dozens of times she loves me, given me affectionate hugs/embraces & kisses also, I would concur with that too.

[JoyfulOne777]

I have kids too, so I understand where you're coming from. I also experience the irrational behavior and then later it's totally a different mindset. Since discovering BPD, I've been able to detach my feelings and basically stay totally calm. it gives me compassion for him and the ability to behave like I would if I was a nurse caring for someone with autism or something, or honestly it's just like dealing with your kids when they have tantrums. For the first time ever, I recently didn't go along with a decision that wouldn't have been best for our family. I didn't engage in conversation about it though. He expressed that he was upset, but I basically just handled it the same was as I would when kids throw fits for not getting what they want. I didn't argue or try to defend my answer etc., and I was shocked by how fast he bounced back to being totally happy with me etc. just like my kids did when they were 2!  I also make it a priority to take care of myself. I'm not able to be a peaceful/calm mommy unless I do. I used to go the the YMCA so the kids could go in the child watch and I could exercise/swim/read a book etc. It has to be a priority to take care of yourself, remember that you're basically a mother and a caregiver for someone too. This mindset helps me to make decisions that are good for us all.

[Jej]

Yes, I understand that lost and confused, outbursts, followed by apologies, followed by more outbursts. Its taxing on your sense of self, draining and unnerving. I will look at these links once removed, thank you. I think I'll have to detach emotionally again, and try not to respond to any goading or unfair statements as its just feeding the cycle. He's due treatment, praying it has an effect x

[pearlsw]

Wow. This is exactly what I am living with!

"I often struggle to know which to accept. He tells me in a rage that what he is saying then is the truth, but when he's level headed and calm he takes it back and says that's the truth and it just continues in a cycle and I never know what to believe. Then it goes into his intentions are concrete even if his words and actions don't always match his intention. I'm left with my head spinning.

I believe this goes back to the rapid mood swings, quickly changing feelings, and black and white thinking. I'm left with the question of what to believe the black or the white or none of it?"

I think I feel best when I see/categorize it as "illness". It helps me to depersonalize as much of it as I can. I know it is not easy. And that might not even be the proper way to phrase it. I am open to corrections! I am new here! I tend to hold onto the "white" part as the better version of things, and the "black" part as... .Well, someone not thinking clearly. I dunno. Oh dear. But I know your pain in the depths of my soul.

[lostandconfused6]

Wow. This is exactly what I am living with!

"I often struggle to know which to accept. He tells me in a rage that what he is saying then is the truth, but when he's level headed and calm he takes it back and says that's the truth and it just continues in a cycle and I never know what to believe. Then it goes into his intentions are concrete even if his words and actions don't always match his intention. I'm left with my head spinning.

I believe this goes back to the rapid mood swings, quickly changing feelings, and black and white thinking. I'm left with the question of what to believe the black or the white or none of it?"

I think I feel best when I see/categorize it as "illness". It helps me to depersonalize as much of it as I can. I know it is not easy. And that might not even be the proper way to phrase it. I am open to corrections! I am new here! I tend to hold onto the "white" part as the better version of things, and the "black" part as... .Well, someone not thinking clearly. I dunno. Oh dear. But I know your pain in the depths of my soul.

i'm getting better with it day by day but some of the stuff still hurts and he will flat out tell me i say the mean things for a reason and no i'm not saying it's ok... .the reason is to get me to shut up... .

we have had a lot of good days lately i just can't help but wonder how long before a bad day and there is still a lingering issue with us that has yet to be resolved and although i don't question it to him i still question it in my own head. There is 1 thing to solve it and as someone else in another thread has suggested now may be the time to try to speak about it and if he doesn't want to then don't push... .it just drives me crazy... .but i am very greatful for the good times while they are here