Sometimes rocking the boat brings new insights

[Notwendy]

I've walked on eggshells since as long as I can recall. My BPD mother takes victim mode whenever an issue is discussed. The result is all about her. The conversations shifts to " me me me me me" and all the things I or anyone else is doing to her.


I'm a mom now, and if my kids are upset about something, and they tell me, my instinct is to comfort them. My mother on the other hand becomes very cold and says "it's nothing you had better get over it".

I can recall countless times I was in tears as a child and teen after one of these episodes where I turned to my mother and got this response- leaving me feeling like I had no right to be upset, or inconvenience her, or upset her, or that I somehow deserved her cold or angry response.

I've done a lot of work on co-dependency. I don't WOE around her. There was a situation that she was directly involved with that caused a lot of hurt feelings between me and some other people and I just said it to her as it is. I didn't expect any good response from her. I just decided I wasn't going to pretend I didn't care.

That was one heck of a discussion and all the expected stuff came out of her including all the things I did to her, everyone did to her and that this is all my problem and I should just get over it to " I don't have time for this". Kitchen sinking in one giant sink!

I wasn't upset. In fact, it felt kinda good. Cause all the stuff she said didn't bother me. It felt good because I wasn't walking on eggshells. I didn't take victim perspective either. But I also was able to see this response from the perspective of a parent acting this way to a child and how hurtful it is. This helped me put some things into perspective.

[Peacewithin]

Wow!  It sounds like you've gotten to a healthy perspective.   
I admire that you were able to roll with her reaction and to find something useful in it!

I, too, have always walked on egg shells... .about a 1.5 years ago, I set a boundary with her for the first time in my life.  There has been a huge and prolonged reaction from her, including saying many horrible things to me about myself.  It was extremely painful but also oddly relieving.  My egg shell walking has lessened considerably because now I don't have to be afraid of how she may react... .I've felt the worse and am fine!  And, now that my fear of her has softened, I actually feel more capable of trying healthier communication strategies with her.  Last Sunday, we actually had our first ok conversation in years. 

[Notwendy]

You're doing great! I recall the first time my mother dysregulated and I was not afraid. It's a big step to not have this fear. But I still didn't have the incentive or was brave enough to fully be myself with her. I may not want to be.

She's not been held accountable for her actions. We've all gone along with her way of being in a rage, doing cruel things, and then snapping out of it and all is fine now. I've seen her do this in minutes. One moment she's saying terrible things and the next she's acting like a kitten.

She painted me black to several of her family members who then didn't speak to me for years. Now she wants us all to act like nothing happened at a family get together. Yes I can be composed , cordial and polite but I don't want to pretend nothing happened.

I've learned to use "I " statements. This keeps away from victim mode. So the conversation was like "I will attend but I am uncomfortable around them".

[Pilpel]

Good for you, Notwendy and Peacewithin! I like to hear stories about breaking out of the habit of walking on eggshells.  It's very encouraging for all of us. 

If there is anything good that comes from my uN/BPD SIL it's that she challenges people to toughen up.  People either get rattled by her and avoid her, or they learn to assert themselves.  I talked to an old friend who I've always known to be passive and kind.  She tried to approach my SIL's bullying with grace and gentleness for a long time.  And then finally got to a point where she realized she had to sit her down and tell her straight that she was behaving rudely and that it wasn't okay. I could tell it was a real growing moment for her.  And I think she came to the point of realizing that the most loving thing she could do was not be passive, but boldly speak the truth and set boundaries.   

I imagine most people dealing with someone with a PD have a similar challenge.  For me, the core of what is so difficult about interacting with my SIL is that her reality is always somewhere off from the center.  I have a similar problem interacting with my mom.  Unlike my SIL, my mom is a sweet and thoughtful person, but my mom always stays on her own narrative monologue track, and never really connects with other people off her track.  If I don't share the same reality as my mom, if I contradict her for the 100th time about a story she brings up, if I have something to add to it, she just won't hear me.  Whereas my SIL bullies people into either complying or not contradicting her reality.  Yet, when people are firm with her with their boundaries and their truth, she does seem to listen. 
 

[Peacewithin]

Notwendy... .thanks!  Yeah, being less uncomfortable is about all that I can hope for... .being myself, not a chance.  Fortunately, I've found a lot of other people who do allow me to be myself.  Phew.

[Peacewithin]

Pilpel... .thanks! 

"And I think she came to the point of realizing that the most loving thing she could do was not be passive, but boldly speak the truth and set boundaries." 
- I really like this.  It's such the opposite of what I grew up thinking, but I think it's really true!   

"For me, the core of what is so difficult about interacting with my SIL is that her reality is always somewhere off from the center. Whereas my SIL bullies people into either complying or not contradicting her reality." 
- Soo understand this... .my mom's a bully about her alternate realities 

 

[Notwendy]

The altered sense of reality is difficult. It seems my mother sees herself as a victim in most situations, even when others are trying to help her. She acts as if she wants help, then feels invalidated when people try. So she acts out, then wonders why nobody is helping her.

It's crazy. We do try to visit when we can. But when we are there, she gets angry and verbally abusive. Then wonders why her children don't visit and help more often.

The smallest thing can provoke her. She had lost her keys and after fretting about it, we found them. She then proceeded to put them into her pocket on a very loose dress. I said "mom, please don't put them in there, they can fall out" which invalidated her and started " don't you tell me what to do, I can put them wherever I want to put them" to which I thought- then don't ask me to help find them- but knew it was best to just not respond.

[Peacewithin]

Ugh.