Husband not who I married

[l2climb]

I have read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and am fairly certain that my husband has BP qualities. I am exhausted and feeling like this is not what I signed up for nor where I wanted to be at 45. I am in a financially secure space myself; he has been unemployed for almost 2 years. We barely talk anymore. Kids involved--he has 4, 2 of which still live at home 1/2 time (mom's the other 1/2). My 22 y.o. is at home for the next 4 months... .

I don't know that I love him anymore. I know I don't like him. He has become fixated with anti-Muslim politics, not at all what he was like when I met him. He has joined a men's group, upon my recommendation, but it seems to be reinforcing crappy behaviour not identifying extremely dysfunctional behaviour. What 53 year old man with 4 children allows himself to be unemployed for 2 years? I am sick of never doing anything unless i plan and pay for it. I am financially successful, which I have worked very hard for and have not always been. This is the time of my life where I am supposed to be relaxing and enjoying fruits of my labour but instead I come home every night to someone I don't know anymore and someone who is a drain on me.

This sounds so ugly, I know. It is. I have seen him go through divorce to first wife, and it was ugly. Ours doesn't involve kids that we would fight over, but he will make it ugly, I know it. I will be cut off from kids (1 of whom I've co-parented since she was 1) and he will not leave the house (I have asked when he has been raging and he tells ME to leave instead, refuses to leave.) I am unwilling to do couples counselling until he recognizes that these issues are his, not mine. He tries to project all of his own stuff onto me... .don't know what else to write other than this has been going on intensely for almost a year, getting worse at Christmas, and now just silent but stressful.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi l2climb, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I know that it can be hard to talk sometimes, I just wanted to let you know that this platform is a place where we can share our thoughts and feelings without being invalidated or judged for it, we get a lot of that from our pwBPD and we need an outlet, we need to be able to talk to others that understand what we're going through. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, we can't tell you what to do, we can help you with what's trouble you. I also know that being in a place where there's a lot of ambivalence is tricky to navigate through, it can feel pretty depressing, you're not alone.

We all project, it's top the nth degree with a pwBPD, it protects the ego from anxiety and stress, I'm not saying that I approve of it, but it's something that a pwBPD cannot control. I have some advise for you, you can read up as much as you can about the disorder because it normalizes and it also explains the reason why he behaves the way he does, he doesn't have control of it, on the hand a mentally ill person should take care of their mental health. You also have a right to be happy. I'm glad that you decided to join us.